Tried to Hubsabd telling everyone I grew up poor

[Einba42]

I know this sounds silly but it irritates me and honestly hurts me a little.

I grew up in what would be considered gangland terrority in my country. Media makes it out worse than it is but no doubt it has its fair share of social and economic problems, it would be called a disadvantaged area. I went to school there as well and it was the only place as a young single person I could afford to purchase my first home. I left as life my improved.

I worked hard in my education, got into a good sector and made a decent life for myself. People I work with or know, really do not believe me when I say I grew up in this part of the country. I don't advertise it.

My husband is the opposite privately educated, family always had money, etc. Now we have children and if people ask where we are originally from, he immediately tells them where I am from. I have asked him not to, as the reality is once people find out they treat you very differently. They can't seem to wrap their heads this middle class person was raised in a 'deprived' part of the country.

Again I know it is silly but we don't live in a Will Smith pursuit of happiness movie. Most people who never grew up in crime run down areas do not have a clue what it is like and find it hard to believe that people from these places could work with them. When my husband says it, it takes away all my hard work in life.

That must be annoying. He is obviously very proud of what you have achieved but you don't to be labeled in that way.
I would keep talking out with him.

Is he proud of you? He should be!

I suspect that your husband recognises the advantages his upbringing has provided for him. He thinks that you’re amazing for achieving so well without the advantages he enjoyed.

He, probably speaks out because thinks that others will be similarly impressed, and is naive about the prejudices that some people hold. Or maybe he’s a little jealous of your success and it makes him feel inferior.

Either way he needs to respect your wishes. Really talk to him about why he isn’t listening. And come up with a response that’s acceptable to you both when people ask where you are from.

If he’s ignoring your request he’s being a jerk and either using your background as some kind of kudos or talking point, or enjoying undermining you. Not ok.

I put YABU because you should be proud to have got where you have considering your background, and I think mentioning it should do the opppsite of take away all your hard work. But if you’ve asked him not to mention it, he should respect your wishes.

I can’t think of a single place in the UK that is so rough that people would react like that… are you not in the UK?

Why is he mentioning your background rather than his own, though? Is he trying to seem more 'street', or to borrow kudos from your origins?

I make no bones of where I'm from (extremely deprived part of a city, on an estate which was notorious for drugs), and I don't find people do treat me differently. DH is from an even grungier part of the same city, though.

Erm I'm on the fence. He's answering where you're both from. He's not doing anything wrong, and there's nothing to be ashamed of at all. I wouldn't lie for my husband, if he didn't want me to say where he's from, I'd say mine then let him say his lie. We have similar with jobs, he hates people knowing what he does. But when he lies people question him about his fake job, and he ends up telling them the truth anyway! He believes they look down on him. But they don't, because no one cares unless it's about themselves.

It appears he has a very limited repertoire of conversation - perhaps he should read the newspapers for alternative topics.

It depends why you think he’s doing it?
I know of someone who tells everyone she meets that her husband is so much better off now he’s met her - he was so poor -‘ our bedroom is bigger than his whole house when he was growing up’ etc .. She tells everyone it was her who encouraged him to ‘better himself’ and ‘without me he’d still be there’.
It feels to me that she perpetuates some kind of ‘ I saved you from all that’ and ‘ You are so lucky to be where you are now and it’s because of me’.. narrative. Do you think this is why he says it?

I’d view it as him being totally proud, unashamed and honest about you. I’d much rather that than a man who was embarrassed to tell people where I was from in case they sneered at me. You’ve proven the stereotype is nonsense. Why would it take away all of your hard work? If anything, it highlights how far you’ve come. And who are these people who treat you differently when they know, and how so? Are you sure that their surprise is the disdain that you seem to be interpreting, rather than interest and admiration for you?

Honestly, I think this is an issue with you. It sounds like you’re ashamed of where you grew up. Be proud of who you are and where you came from. Own it. The type of people who judge people for where they grew up are usually superficial and base their view of success on material things. Let them treat you differently - it says far more about them.
It sounds like you want to fit in and be accepted but you’ll always be who you are and with the background that you had and I imagine you aren’t being fully yourself if you’re trying to hide this part of you. It really is something to be proud of, not ashamed of.

I grew up on a grim looking ,tough estate . 75 % of the residents were happy , hardworking with immaculate homes and gardens .

It was the 25% who spoilt it for the rest . It's true first impressions matter . People make all kinds of assumptions and treat you differently. Some of the things people have said about the estate and the residents in front of me not realising I grew up there are truly shocking.

I managed to buy a house in a much nicer part of the city and When people find where I originally came from they assume I got here through criminal activity , or a lucky lottery win . I have people actually take a step back in from me when they find out where I came from . But that's on them not me . I worked hard and saved hard to get where I am now . I deserve it .

It sounds more like the USA.

It doesn’t matter why he’s doing it, if you’ve asked him not to then he should stop.

You seem to be a bit of a Hyacinth Bouquet OP. Just shamelessly own your roots.

This

I really want to know what area you’re talking about.

I can. I consider myself to be from one of these places. I get it OP, I'm in a similar position to you having grown up in an area of dire poverty and disadvantage and the false assumptions people have made about people from this particular area, who are baffled when I tell them I was born and raised there. The disadvantage was so real that when I was younger and still living in that area, I had to remove the name of the town from my address on my CV/job applications to improve my chances of finding a job outside the town (my job application responses improved greatly after removing this part of the address).

Even after all these years, the occasions when childhood things come up in conversation, when I mention where I'm from people will start spouting all the stereotypical nonsense I was subjected to as a child/young adult.

You should have a proper chat with your DH, OP, to see why he feels it's something he needs to draw attention to given that it makes you uncomfortable and that you appear to have other features that could better highlight who/where you are now. Why do they get to feel like they can't believe that you are from that area? Are they really that narrow minded. Why does your husband want people to focus on something tthat has negativity attached to it? Is he narrow minded too?

Unfortunately, I can say many people I have encountered are narrow minded. In my case I'm not even embarrassed by where I grew up, it's just deflating when you feel you have to convince people you (and most of the people who still live in those areas) are not a stereotype, especially when you've worked so bloody hard. I would be upset too if my partner ignored my requests to stop using my childhood as topic of discussion, especially around people who hold it against you.

I grew up poor and we had little money, coming from a third world country to UK and getting to the middle class is a huge achievement which is hard to imagine sometimes for people like me. I am quite proud of my struggles and background and so should be you. Don't worry about what others think, you have done well then most people around you to get up in the socioeconomic ladder 💐

Is he ignoring your requests to stop? What was his response when you asked him not to?

Thank you everyone. I know it sounds ridiculous and sticks and stones. As one of the comments mentions when people find where you are originally from, they look like you are one of those drug gangs and are going to steal their possessions. Unfortunately, we live in a world where people judge and automatically make assumptions. That's why I don't advertise. I've learned over time its not worth it.

I have spoken to my husband, and he doesn't get the issue. I think some people are correct his naive, and I think he might think it's a little cool.

I do not want my children to have this battle when they are older.

Agreed that's why I was determined to live in a nicer area . I didn't want people looking down on my kids and prejudging them especially as they got older . First Impressions do matter no how much we think it doesn't.

Some people are small minded, snobby jerks. Fuck em!