How to cope with disappointment in yourself?

[Totoe]

As the title. I suppose I have an image of who I want to be, and I’m not measuring up. I say stupid things, I fall short of my best, I chicken out of opportunities, I get hot and bothered, and so on. Not all of the time, but enough to feel as though the world has not seen the best version of me.

When I was young I feel I could be given the benefit of the doubt and there was still time to grow into that swan I want to be.
But I am going to be 39 in a few weeks, and I am not a swan. And I feel like no matter how much I work on myself at this point, I can’t really turn myself around, I am who I am now, and I am a bit sad and disappointed that I have not grown into the person I think I could have been.

You know when you’re trying hard at something and then you mess up, you don’t really want to keep going with it, you just want to scrap it and start fresh? I feel like that about myself, but it seems too late. And even if I try, everyone in my life already knows me as I am, so what’s the point?

I don’t know if this resonates with anyone, maybe this is what a mid-life crisis is? I guess I’m looking for some advice about how to come to terms or feel better.

What does swan mean to you? What's your ideal self?

Thanks for replying. I guess just means … better? I wish I’d been stronger. More confident. More on top of my game, equal to what life throws at me. More successful. Less emotional and more strong and capable.

I would like to leave people with the impression that I am ‘together’, capable and a thoroughly nice person.
I think people probably think I am friendly and mediocre at best, and a bit of a hot mess at worst.

You sound normal to me. We are not perfect beings. We're human.

I think most people feel this way. I certainly do. I think it's an age thing because I'm 38, and like you I always (maybe subconsciously) thought that things might change. But this year I've realized that they won't. There's no time, and even if I were to improve somehow, the damage is done to a large extent.

As for what we can do, I just try to take my mind off it by enjoying the small moments in life, good food, a laugh with a friend or a good TV show.

Hey! Tomorrow is another day. I heard someone crying in the loo at a pub, saying she was so horrible. Not just crying but sobbing. I said it broke my heart to hear her like that. Do something different tomorrow.

I think people probably think I am friendly and mediocre at best, and a bit of a hot mess at worst.

You would be amazed at how seldom people think about you at all. I am not saying this to pacify you, it's genuinely the truth. All of the instances you think you messed up, said something foolish, no one thought a thing about it at all. People are so consumed with their own affairs and their own insecurities that they don't even have the headspace for anyone else's.

Let all of this self-doubt go. All of it. I know you're a very capable, intelligent person just from the fact you're concerned you're not.

41 and I feel like that too. I don't have any solutions but you're definitely not alone.

I know how you feel. I feel like I could be a bigger and better version of me.

I have 2 things that have changed my life.

Asking for help and finding like minded strangers.

1. Asking for help. Looking put together is very off putting and it doesn’t show your human side which is what we gravitate towards. I spent my 20s always appearing perfect. Now in my 30s I am vulnerable. Not over sharing but I ask those I trust for favours. I return them and when I want to start a project I go to the people in my contacts that will most likely help me - and I ask for help.
2. Find strangers with similar interests. I say this because my friends and family are very familiar with me and they are in my life for me but they don’t necessarily want to “work” with me or pursue the same hobbies. The day I realised my friends are the people I want to hang out with and I started being part of clubs with like minded people. Not only did I make new friends but I became another version of me to the people I love. I have had friends that have picked up new hobbies and been successful with it - and I support. So think about what you want to do more of - just one thing and find a club that can challenge you.

Your post resonates with me so much. I'm 38, an overachiever, on paper doing well. Personally, it doesn't feel how I thought it was going to feel. There's definitely a dimness to my life that I didn't think would ever happen. I've learnt to get behind the feeling - if it feels like a no, then I try and change it. One of my biggest challenges was putting other people on a pedestal, partners, friends, employers... it's meant that I've always second guessed myself and put my perception of what their perception might be first. Ill tend to get a dimmed and low when I've not had enough social in person interaction - I've recently decided to come of social media which has a good impact (no more comparing myself to others).

Practicing gratitude, prioritising my thoughts and feelings about myself before anybody else's and doing some shadow work (in my case I really like Chris Corsini - you can find Chris on Instagram and Youtube) helped lift my vibe.

I'm also heavily invested in the idea of creating a vision board. I've always thought this seemed a bit waff but I like the intentionality and escapism of it...

What would your vision board include? Or how would it make you feel?

Hope some of these shares might help you.

💐

In other words you're a fallible, broken human, as are we all!

At 68 I am very far from what I might have forseen for myself as a young woman. A failure in many senses (not even remotely successful), yet in other ways I've grown and become stronger due to adversities I've faced. I've felt disappointed with myself probably from my late 20s onwards, not all the time but in cycles.

Since I recently renewed my Christian faith I am finding things are better and I no longer feel as badly about myself. Instead of seeing my life as useless and full of mistakes, I feel I have value and can see how my gifts that I thought were wasted can actually be used for good, even at my age. I know I am loved and valued by God and that's a great cause for celebration! We are all unique and not one of us is perfect. I echo a poster above that finding your own 'people' is important, others you resonate with.

Some of the things you mention are human-imposed values - being successful, confident and capable, things we should achieve in life. I find it very insightful and surprising that on reading through the old Testament, almost everyone in it was a failure in one way or another! David murdered and cheated. Jonah ran away. Moses didn't want to do the talking to people because he thought he was rubbish at it and had Aaron do it instead! Paul persecuted Christians. Peter denied Jesus. The list goes on! The point is that we can learn and grow from our mistakes, not be defined by them.

In a way this is a mid-life crisis although it could happen at any point, but at around your age, you have expectations of what you might have achieved by now, yet you feel you have fallen short. You need to look within to see where your own strengths lie - perhaps they're to be found within your insecurities and experiences - something for you to reflect on. 🙂

This may not be true of you but I know for me this type of thinking is a form of self sabotage - once you get stuck on this idea of a perfect you it’s hard to make the smaller changes required to meet goals or improve your happiness. It’s also really unhelpful for your feeling of self worth as you’re consistently telling yourself you’re falling short. I would focus on what you have achieved despite the human flaws we all have, and pick some small things you’d like to change to feel happier for yourself - @Aquamarine1029 is so right that no one else is really thinking about you anyway, they are thinking about themselves. Don’t waste your life comparing yourself to this spectre of an ideal you that doesn’t (and can’t) exist. I’ve found Anna Mathur (on instagram or she has a book on self worth) really helpful on this and self worth generally.

You know you sometimes meet those people who are so together? So competent, successful, efficient, self assured? I just can't relate to them at all! I have a friend who earns £150k, she looks like a film star, she has an amazing house, is so cool, calm and collected. She's basically the opposite of me.
I've never had that confidence, I'm shy, I haven't done brilliantly career wise, I often appear a bit flustered.
I don't know - you can list all the things that are "wrong" or you can focus on the positives. E.G. I'm a loving mum, a thoughtful friend, a good daughter, I keep the home running smoothly, I'm a great cook. So yes, I could focus on the fact that I sometimes feel like a walking disaster or I could acknowledge the fact that I help lots of people and provide a loving home for my family.
Try and look at what strengths you have and build on those. Maybe you'll never be the kind of person you think you should be but I'm sure you still have a lot going for you.

Thank you for taking the time to share such wise advice. There are good eggs on mumsnet. You’ve given me plenty to think about.

I think this is the very definition of a mid life crisis. As a child, the ultimate fantasy is that you’re the special, chosen one- hence the ubiquity of stories like Harry Potter. Then you grow up and eventually you have to face that it’s getting a bit late in the day for the special unique journey to kick in, and you are, in fact, spectacularly ordinary. The key to happy maturity is accepting that that is fine. By definition, only a tiny minority of people are truly remarkable. And most of them, I suspect, are so driven because they aren’t very happy. I’m fine not to be one of them.

Is that who you want to be, or who you think you should be (in order to tick some boxes that society/others think makes you "worthy")?

That makes so much sense. Thank you.

I’m not sure what it’s about. I think it’s ego-driven if I’m honest, as touched on by PP. I suppose I want to stand out and make a mark on the world before I die.

I don’t have children (my own choice) and I suppose I thought I would make my mark in other ways. Be a pillar of the community perhaps. Be respected in my field of work. Be the sort of friend and family member that others look to for guidance or inspiration. I also just want to feel proud of myself again.

When I was young I was academically successful and that’s what people cared about. As an adult, it’s what you do with your brains that matters, and I’m a bit too ‘soft’ to make any splashes with mine. I don’t have the personality or confidence for leadership, and I burn out easily. Socially, I am an introvert.
I’m just pootling along, trying to make peace with my mediocrity, as astutely observed by PP.

It all sounds very self-absorbed, I know.