How do I not let the resentment destroy me?

[Dodointhedark]

I’m at breaking point. Ex is an utter vile self absorbed, entitled man. 17 years we was together and I honestly thought he was one of the good guys in life. Used to consider myself so lucky to have such a thoughtful kind man in my life.

Rewind to an year ago and it turned out he has been serial cheating and is just the most manipulative liar. We split. In fact after getting caught it’s like he flicked a switch and became a total monster over night. A man I can not recognise. A man I never ever thought he could be. I was completely thrown under a bus. We was not married but I lost our buisness, my income, my share of our family home. I feel like I have been punished. Everytime I pick myself up he has done something else to make my life unbearable. I feel like he actually wants to destroy me.

We have two young children. He does absolutely no parenting. All the graft of raising them is on me. He shows up a few weeks a year and essentially rents somewhere in the uk locally and refers to it all as a “holiday”. Everything is a holiday. I’m exhausted. Every moment I’m not working I’m with the children. There is no break ever.

Meanwhile ex is living the absolute life of a young man with no responsibilities. The solicitors financial stuff has just confirmed to me recently how literally he just eats out, holidays and has no actual concept of real life. No home to clean, no childcare responsibilities beyond throwing some money this way. He hides behind work as his excuse to be away constantly. Even when it’s lies. He tells the children he is going away to work when he is really going on another break with the girlfriend who lives on another continent.

I feel worn down by all of it. I’m so exhausted. I can’t cope with the constant demands of his schedules. The constantly putting me down because I got mad at him over the cheating. I’m now crazy. Heartless in his eyes. He will say things like “look at the person you’ve become” like he is sneering and looking down at me. I am referred to as controlling. Entitled. I used to have a good relationship with his family and not one of them has reached out to me.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like my life is overshadowed by this monster. I don’t need to feel any more rubbish about myself. He did a great job of destroying my self confidence with the cheating and lies.

how the hell do I communicate with this man over raising children?!

how do I not let the resentment completely destroy me?

I think you should just cut him off OP and if he wants to see the kids let him take you to court.

Do you think there was red flags previously that you may not have wanted to see? He must have been always this selfish in order for him to live the life that he does.
I think you need to focus on your children and moving forward, focus on healing too. Think of something you really want to do for yourself and try and make it happen, even if it’s changing your style, or joining a new hobby. Something for you to make yourself feel great and give you confidence.
I would also not think about his family either, they will always be on his side not yours.
have you thought about counselling?

Hi OP, you are allowed to feel as you do, angry, cheated and exhausted with the physical and emotional toil. His behaviour amounts to abuse and gas lighting and there are no easy solutions. The sheer unfairness of it all. As it is, his life and level of responsibility is at a complete contrast to yours. Is there any emotional support you can tap into? Close friends or counselling( highly unlikely to be free).
You must take care of yourself. The future comes one day at a time. You will get through this but it will take time and reframing of your mindset. Start by 'simple' things, a bubble bath, a coffee with a friend, fresh air, a good book. I totally get that there is no spare time when you have young children.
I had a similar experience a long time ago. My mind was on fire with pain and hurt. I was able to seek free counselling through work that helped to change my mindset. Please take care. You can also ring the Samaritans 24/7. I found that really helpful too.
Sending you peace and strength

Agree that he needs to be cut off completely. I don’t believe this “man” would have it in him to go through the court system. That’s too real.

I would contact womens aid and ask for help. You’re being abused. He’s saying things like “look what you’ve become” and sneering to squish you down to nothing on purpose. It’s not you, it’s him. He’s just another abusive man saying and doing the same abusive things that other abusive men do to women and children.

You are a good woman. He is obviously a nasty person.
Resentment is like acid that will eat away at you
Please rely on the fact that there are lots of lovely people and try not to let it destroy you. Sending love to you. One step at a time to regain yourself

Oh, what a bastard. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time Nothing's going to make being a single parent of young children easy, but I agree it'll feel a bit easier if you cut him right out. Let him sue for contact if he can be bothered.

I also agree about getting some emotional support for yourself, as it will help with starting to look forward to a new life with your kids rather than feeling trapped in loss and resentment. Samaritans are very good when you just want to talk stuff through - I used them loads when my own life suddenly went downhill.

Reading Lundy Bancroft, if you haven't already, and doing the Freedom Programme would help with getting some distance and objectivity on what happened. Worthwhile, ime. Bancroft's published a couple of 'recovery' books too, once you've got a handle on what this prat did and is still doing.

I lost our buisness, my income, my share of our family home.

How did this happen? Were you married and are now divorced? Do you have a financial order in place?

Change your phone number and limit all contact with him to email. No calls, no texts, no seeing him when he collects the dc.

OP, he's just one more lazy selfish creep of a man. A failure as a father. Not worth the space he stands up in, never mind space in your head.

Cut contact except via email. Block him on everything else. Stop looking at his social media. If he wants to see the dcs, he emails you. Otherwise you aren't interested.

What his family think of you is irrelevant. They failed as parents because they raised this low life, so they have nothing to be proud of.

Just get on with raising your dcs, He's the one missing out on seeing them grow. You'll be the one making all the decisions about their care and schooling and health and home. They will be wel raised, well fed, with decent values because of you. He has made himself irrelevant.

You can't communicate effectively with somebody this toxic. He's evil and he won't change. You must go low contact and grey rock. There is scheduling software you can use for kid visits which mean you do not have to talk to him. Have the hand-off of kids in a public place where there will be witnesses to any verbal abuse. Turn on your phone and tape him as well. His abuse could possibly be used as leverage by your lawyer. Block him from texting or calling. Tell him that in future all his complaints are to be dealt with by your lawyer, tell him about the scheduling software you are using so he can set it up, then block him.
The good news is that the less time he spends with the kids, the less chance he has to manipulate and emotionally abused them.
You also don't have his girlfriends getting access to your kids all the time if he hardly ever sees him.
You are exhausted and stressed to the max. Whatever you need to do to get more peace, do it.
Go to the chumplady blog for support divorcing a vicious cheater from people who have been through it and come out the other side.

@paywalled unfortuantely I never married. Only now realising the true impact of this. I was naive.

With regards to the buisness he resigned me behind my back despite us joint owning the buisness. I was then made redundant.

I hear what you are all saying and I have had therapy for the last six months. I’ll be doing fine and then everytime he suddenly appears again demanding he wants to see the kids I feel the most overwhelming stress and anxiety.

Is he paying maintenance for the kids? If he wants to see them for holidays then he needs more financial involvement than playing Disney dad.

I agree with the others. Go Grey Rock on him. Deal with him like he’s a colleague at work. Put stuff in writing and refuse to speak to him. Sounds like that software is a good idea too.

I had to continue speaking to mine for various reasons, so I would tell him I was taping the calls every time, and I would put him on loudspeaker and listen to him that way.

Somehow by NOT putting up the phone to my ear, it meant I created some distance… and that helped.

I'm the ghost from 18 years into your future here. I never married the father of my children (stupid?, well, initially, it wasn't my choice. Later I was glad I wasn't married to him as it was easier to get away) He only wanted to marry me when I was trying to leave. He never paid maintenance, never helped with parenting, he was driving around in an expensive car, dating, living in the house we used to live in. Obviously, I left, so I wasn't expecting half his house, but I was broke and powerless.

My experience is that the resentment abates when the financial impact of your bad decisions is diminished. So, invest in to yourself now. Get a good plan. . Time will heal the emotional scars, but you need a good 5 year financial recovery plan.

My 5 year financial recovery plan turned into a 7 year financial recovery plan, which was more realistic! And actually, it was 9 years after I left when I realised, wow, I'm back on track. I don't mean to depress you suggesting that it will take you 9 years to feel secure, content and at peace. I definitely had happy times along the way but it only lined up, both financial security and emotional peace 9 years ''post apocalypse''

It is now 17 years since I left his abusive arse and I never think about him. I believe he still hates me, if he thinks about me. Not emotionally healthy I know, but you can't be emotionally healthy or reasonable for somebody else. You can't change other people and make them better people and that was the reason I threw in the towel and left.

Now, I have a secure (small) home, some savings (not huge) my own pension (modest) and I have a secure job that pays ok. My eldest is at university and is happy and the youngest is hoping to go the same path. They have no relationship with their father but I assure anybody reading that that is their choice. I tried to facilitate that to begin with but his entitlement to invalidate me, dehumanise me and yet have me running around facilitating his entitlements was ridiculous and at the point where the DC saw that, I felt free to stop trying, I knew the kids wouldn't blame me for not trying because I did try, but their father is full of hate.

Ha, my maths is terrible, I can't subtract 2007 from 2024

How practical would it be to move and change your phone number? So the only way he can contact you is via your solicitors?

A bit drastic, but if it puts that bit of extra distance between you, it might be helpful.

I am currently still in the family home it feels like a leash around my neck as he has that control. I financially could not afford to move. I’ve just managed to get a part time job around school hours but I’m on universal credit to top it up. He is paying maintenance.

Are you allowed to host a ukrainian without it affecting your benefits/ uC.

[Withdrawn] Homes for Ukraine scheme: frequently asked questions - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)

maybe something to look into. If it's not right I get that. But.................... plan, plan, plan.X

This was me 30 years ago with small children. We were married which didn't make much difference . He just refused to pay the mortgage or any child support. I was left high and dry. I couldn't afford a loan we had taken out against the house so I was made homeless.
He was one of those mouthy types, drank a lot and had a habit of poking his nose in where not required, usually while drunk
One night he pissed the wrong people off and someone shoved a knife in him. Unfortunately he survived and was portrayed like some kind of hero (although round the town I think a lot of folk quietly thought he had it coming)
He got a healthy sum.of compo but refused to pay off the loan on the house so myself and my kids got kicked out.
Now 30 years on he has 2 adult children who he doesn't have any relationship with and lives alone depressed and unwell in a tiny flat .so what I'm saying OP is hold your head high because sometimes karma comes along and gives you a hug