When to end a friendship and why

[Thunderpants88]

I am curious. What has made you end a friendship and why?

I have recently stepped away from a very close friendship and “seen the light” and on one hand it has been liberating but on the other hand it has made me so sad to loose someone I held dear and had many good qualities.

Why I stepped back-we had inherently different values and someone else stepped into the scene who shared her values more than I did and I felt a bit “second best” and discarded.

Just wondering what had ended friendships for you? Do you have any regrets? Would you do anything differently?

I ended a friendship because of 2 things:

She kept discussing me behind my back but not coming directly to me. I would then be told pretty much immediately. I finally blew.

She had been very self centred since her wedding, and something very specific around gifts which was just horrendously grabby was the final straw

To answer your question, I was shocked by how much I didn't miss her or the drama she tried hard to manufacture.

I've probably distanced myself from a couple of friends over the years for different reasons. One had started getting really arsey with me on a regular basis and was horrible to my child for no reason, think she may have been drinking a lot however. The other was very very needy and started displaying stalker type behaviour towards me so I just distanced myself. I wouldn't say. I ended the friendship at such, we still keep in touch but don't hang out.

I ended a friendship when she chose to ignore SS requests and continued a relationship with a man unfit to be around children and she lost custody of her 3 and 6 year old. The whole thing was unforgivable to me.

I had a long time friend that was a moral vacuum. Her fiance's dad died and she had an affair with a married man. Meanwhile her ex fiance's mother was trying to get money back she'd leant her and my friend was refusing to give it to her. Her behaviour had always been bad but I was completely sickened by it all.

I have had to end several.

One friend turned out not to like me at all... ever. She would say absolutely vicious things about me to other people, but would be very nice to my face. I have no time for people who have more faces than they do chins.

Another... I used to do so much for. But then I ended up sectioned, and because I was not there to run around for her, she sent me a series of nasty messages. In hindsight, maybe I was harsh on her as she is autistic and probably had her own rules on what friends should be etc... but that is not behaviour I could put up with.

A lady I met last year... I thought she was fab. Very creative and on my page with a lot of things. She was just using me for my knowledge/supplies etc. She fell out with a whole group of us, and she kept using me as middle woman thing to get in touch with everyone else.

And more recently, someone who kept buying me shite, could not keep a secret, would cross so many boundaries. I was polite and asked her to stop, and she got in a massive strop, and we no longer talk. We go to the same support groups or MH, and I have to make an effort to sit far away from her as she will still repeat anything I say to other people.

As I get older, I think that it is fine to be picky about who you spend you time with. You don't owe anyone a friendship.
My social circle is very small nowadays, but it is manageable.

Speaking from the other side, my “best friend” ended it with me because she just needed “positive vibes”. She accused me of being a narcissist - I HATE prying, I don’t do it (shows how much she knows me) and I was trying to make conversation and speak about intimate things in my life, hoping she’d feel comfortable doing the same. In the end it was such a massive relief. I found myself not wanting to argue back with her when she told me these things, or argue for the friendship, because she’d got me SOOOOOO wrong, and that’s when I realised she wasn’t a friend, and I didn’t really care if she walked out. It was such a good thing for the both of us! Now when we do talk, it’s not forced or awkward, and I don’t feel obliged to tell her everything in my life.

I think you end a friendship when it stops nurturing you and becomes a drain.

That can be for pretty much any reason, from ceasing to trust someone to no longer enjoying their company to disagreeing over a fundamental value.

Fundamentally it’s not that different from an intimate sexual or romantic relationship. I don’t think you have to justify feeling that it’s not working for you.

The caveat is that friendships can drift for a while for all sorts of reasons and people are sometimes very quick to flounce off and block etc which is unproductive. I have friends who I have known for 30 plus years and the friendship has gone in cycles: sometimes I have gone for years without seeing someone and then reconnected with them. Sometimes circumstances make it difficult but it’s usually best to leave the door ajar.

I’ve posted this on a similar thread some time ago,

Had a best friend of 10 years. Met through work but became friends outside of work, holidayed together (both just us and she’s joined some of my family holidays), she’d attended some special family occasions (big birthdays, weddings etc), at one point, I even moved in with her and her Mum for a short time after a break up.

At my 30th Birthday party, she was one of the people involved in an argument that ended up with me almost having a physical altercation with my boyfriend’s (now husband’s) best friend when defending her honour, with the police being called and the party ending early. Whilst she certainly wasn’t the only guilty party involved in the drama, it became apparent afterwards having spoken to a number of other friends and family who’d witnessed the events, that much of root cause of the situation was due to her behaviour and the nasty/pointed comments she had been directing towards my DH all night.

When I spoke to her a few days later, I got a halfhearted apology and didn’t feel she took any real accountability for her actions and role in it. Regardless, I chose to accept her apology and move on as she was my best friend and our relationship was important to me.

Then about 6 months later, I was due to travel down to see her for the day and stay the Sunday night at hers (I had moved to the North West about 2.5 hours drive away). Late the evening before (I’d already packed) she text to say she was now going to a family BBQ at her brother’s house, so was cancelling. Not only did this leave me having to arrange a hotel at short notice (I had meetings on the Monday in the local office to where she lived so still needed to make the drive) but I was really hurt that she hadn’t even considered inviting me along. I knew her family well (as I said, I’d previously lived with her and her Mum for 6 months), got on well with them all and if the situation had been reversed, she’d have been invited along without a second thought.

I started to reassess the whole basis of our relationship and I realised it had always been on her terms. I’d always been the one putting in the effort, always the one doing the travelling to see her (for the majority of our friendship I’d lived near Manchester and she was Oxford way), and was always the one having to accommodate and compromise what we did, where we went/ate etc based on what she did and didn’t like.

I decided to step back and, except for one email from her that I ultimately chose not to reply to, we haven’t spoken since. That was 2012.

I still occasionally think of her and am a little sad that I’ve no idea how she is or what her life is like now. I do miss parts of the friendship we had as there are some great memories of our 10 years as friends and I have considered reaching out a few times over the years. But, just as with romantic relationships, I believe things end for a reason and that it’s ok that not every person stays in your life forever.

What’s the saying, some people are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime….

Some friendships just drift I find. Different life stages etc.People move away, have children,make other friends.Life gets in the way. It's not always about a big fall out.

I ended a friendship as she kept choosing guys over our 13 year friendship.
I’d had a biopsy after an abnormal smear and she just want to talk about her new piece. that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
A week previously her son was saying he’s sad because she’s always on the phone. I’d visited and she was on the phone the entire time.
i told her i’m done and haven’t spoken to her since. 8 years now

I ended a 15-year friendship with a woman I had greatly admired because she financially exploited a vulnerable younger man then openly told me about it.

He was her work colleague and a 40-year-old virgin who was shy and nervous of women. She found out on the work grapevine that his wealthy parents had died, leaving him loads of money. She told me openly that she fancied getting her hands on some of that money so she intended to seduce him and get him what she called 'pussy struck' and then use the giving or denying sexual favours to manipulate him.

At first, though I had severe misgivings I thought it was just a wicked fantasy, but when she rang and told me she'd seduced him then persuaded him to buy her a lovely ring she'd seen in a jeweller's window, that cost £5,000, I disapproved and it put me right off her. Then she carried on and to cut a long story short manipulated him into buying her a £150,000 flat. That was the end for me.

I ended a friendship outright (by which I mean I told the person clearly to stop contacting me) because they were too emotionally intense and earnest, and also because they were obsessed with trying to solve people’s problems… even where no problem existed. They were training to be a counsellor and it became clear to me that they were essentially the sort of person who feeds off other people’s grief/trauma/issues and gets a sense of superiority from it. At the same time, she has zero self awareness of her own, blindingly obvious, hang-ups and inappropriate behaviours. It actually terrifies me that she actually might be a counsellor now.

@KreedKafer How did she take this? And how did you word it?

She kept planning meet-ups months in advance, scheduling them like doctor’s appointments with time frames.

We were best friends and talked every day. When she faced the hardest time in her life, I was there for her. I showed up and cared.

However, when I went through an important and difficult period, I wasn’t even a priority for her. She didn’t show up and didn’t seem to care. Our meet-ups were scheduled so far in advance it was almost comical, and she seemed busier than an A-list celebrity at times.

Ironically, she’s weaved her way back into my life. I’m always civil, and she has apologized. We even met up last year. But we will never be friends again; that ship has sailed.

When you don't enjoy their company in that instance I would phase then out. Sometimes you may find you don't share the same values or you might not even like them anymore, then definitely time to end it. Friendships are meant to be enjoyable through the good times and bad