Rare coparenting schedule issue?

[regularbug]

Me and dad split a year ago. He doesn’t drive or work so I let him keep the house (I’m also not from the city where the house is but he is) so he could easily get our 2 boys to and from school. The boys are 6 and 4. I moved back to my hometown to live with family which is 45 miles from their dad and school.

I did this because I felt he needed the house more than me, I’m also in the middle of a nursing degree and I can’t afford private rent + childcare + my car + bills + food on student loans. I do also work part time to facilitate the thousands of miles I’m driving every month in order to afford 50:50 custody. I can’t work anymore than I do as we have 24 weeks of 40 hr a week placements in my degree.

The kids do not want to move school and have expressed this themselves multiple times. They want to see both parents but they can’t express how often or what split they want as they’re too young to be able to do so.

they have everything at each home so there is no “packing and unpacking bags”. Each parent is very loving and maternal and both homes are suitable. Me and dad get on really well, we talk and we give each other a hug on drop off/pick up. We all still do things as a family sometimes, we’ve even been on holiday as a 4 since the split. But of course, the travelling they are doing from school/dads to my house and back is not suitable. I know that. I’m not daft. But what do I do? I feel totally stuck? We currently do the 2-2-3 schedule, so 2 days with me, 2 days with dad, weekend with me. Then 2 days with dad, 2 days with me and weekend with dad. It works for us parents but I don’t feel it works for them. No longer than 3 nights in one home, the crazy mileage on school days. I do also struggle driving 200 miles on school days.

They can’t stay more with me because of school and the one thing they have explicitly expressed is not moving school. But whilst dad is AMAZING, surely it’s not good for them to have 40% with me and 60% with dad? Surely kids need their mums more than that (not that dads are any less important but I hope you understand what I mean). I’ve seen a lot of suggestions for EOW and one week day but it would be mum who does that and dad who gets the rest.

this was so long but I am so lost and desperate. I love my kids; I feel hollow when they’re not here. But I want what’s best for them, not me. And I currently have no idea what is the best thing for them in this situation.

Honestly, I don't think there's any good solution to this, I really sympathise with your situation. When will your degree finish? Will you then be able to move back (or at least closer) to your old town?

I dont think kids need to be with mum more than dad...kids need to be with a loving, supportive, competent parent and that can be either mum or dad.

Is there a reason their dad doesnt work? And doesnt drive? It sounds like there is unfair division of the workload in you doing all of the transport.

Once you qualify could you move to where dad lives?

You need to find a way to live closer to your kids school and the FH. That’s the long & short of it.

The travelling isnt good for you or kids. I think 60/40 sounds more practical and with two competent loving parents it will be absolutely fine.

What's wrong with Dad doing the transport and getting a job. He has more time than you right now. You will be finished with nursing school soon.

If you get on well can you not also live in the family home for the duration of your degree?

Have you considered selling the house and splitting the equity so you can both get smaller houses each.

Or can he have them weekdays and you see the kids at the weekend. He's a stay at home parent so it would make sense for him to have them for all the school runs.

What is the reason he can’t move closer to you? Particularly if he isn’t working.

I imagine because the OP said at least twice her DC are settled in school and don’t want to move!

I have considered this most days, but I think we get on well because we don’t live together. I would do anything at my expense, I really don’t care, but I recall how awful I felt that they lived in a house filled with tension because of their parents and I don’t want that again 😭

At 6 and 4 they would settle into another school.. have you really worked through that alternative ? Overall would it be a more calm life if dad moved nearer you ?

That’s a lot of time in the car for you and the kids. Could you maybe stay in the family home on your weekdays with them and just take them back to yours on your weekend?

If you get on well, could you look at spending some of your time with them at their house, so you stay over? Not ideal, but potentially cuts down your travelling.

Why don't you try living together separately? If you get on well, surely you can live in the same home without being a couple?

Why doesn't he drive or work? Surely both of those are normal adult competencies, unless he's disabled?

Other family members on my side believe I should just do Friday, Saturday and Sunday night but I worry that they’ll feel like I’ve abandoned them.

I sleep over a few times a month because of how bad I miss them but it’s like instantly it triggers their dad back into having a weird tense dynamic with me.

I cross posted, sorry.

But as you know you would only be there for a few days at a time, would that lessen the tension?

He’s a fantastic dad, but competent adult he is not. I always worked, paid bills, did drop offs, pick ups etc etc.

Well firstly I have to wonder why you are working and studying and doing all the driving whilst your ex is…. what?

But the solution seems fairly obvious to me - the big problem is the long journey to school so the solution is that you do more weekend care and your ex does more weekday care. For example could you have 3 weekends in 4? Your ex doesn’t work so it isn’t as if he has to figure out the childcare around his job. Or will that not work with your student nurse placement?

Lols, cross posted again 😱

Dad wouldn’t move, hence why I moved there when we were married. I’m starting to wonder if I make the executive decision to move them schools and dad has Friday Saturday night and whatever holidays he wants. I would just feel bad going against their wishes.

It’s not more important for them to be with mum than dad, what’s important is that they have as much stability as possible and are happy. If they are happy in their schools and happy in the family home then I would say leave them as they are and you do Fri Sat Sun. Your degree won’t be forever and once it’s finished you could then move closer to the school & where they have their friends etc

My placements so far have been very sympathetic and accommodating to the situation so I could do that fine, but I just worry that seeing them so little would negatively impact them too. I have one child who wants to live with me full time, and 3 nights a week seems so small in comparison to his wishes.

But whilst dad is AMAZING, surely it’s not good for them to have 40% with me and 60% with dad? Surely kids need their mums more than that

It seems like this might be your real concern but it’s not true. There is no benefit to children seeing a mother more over their father if they both provide supportive, loving and nurturing environments.

Is there a reason your OP says something different in this regard?

’They want to see both parents but they can’t express how often or what split they want as they’re too young to be able to do so.’