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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be bothered about this after 9 years

18 replies

luftwink · 13/07/2024 14:05

DH and I have been married for 6, together for 9. Ups and down like most couples, generally happy, found it a struggle after kids but worked on this.
When we first got together unbeknown to me he was having a fling with someone in our home country on the understanding it would fizzle out when he moved to the country I met him in. They carried on texting sporadically.
I went on his phone (he asked me to send a message to work WhatsApp) when we had been seeing each other a few weeks and noted he had sent this woman a final message (after he'd slept with me) which said 'there's a lot of things Id like to be doing with you in a hot tub right now' in response to her saying she was on a hot tub hol.
I was devastated, he begged for a second chance, I did, he never heard from her again and the rest is history.
Excerpt it's not. It still hurts me. His reasoning is that he didn't know how to end it with her, didn't want to hurt her by saying he'd met someone as it was just a fling and never thought I'd see that message. However that just doesn't add up to me. I still feel after all this time surely he would have said nothing or sent a message to say fyi I've met someone? Why does it still bother me?
He's a bit nerdy and never had a long term relationship before me but it still feels a bit odd to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
luftwink · 13/07/2024 14:36

Anyone?

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 13/07/2024 14:55

I'm sure I've read this before. Does this still bother you after nine years? Have you had any counselling or couples therapy in order to try and move past this?

What's your relationship currently like?

Original poster
luftwink · 13/07/2024 15:01

I've never posted about this before.
If you can find the other thread I'd like to read it tho.
Relationship mostly happy, no therapy as it seems to have only resurfaced recently.
I maybe feel unattractive and insecure after kids, long term birth injuries that don't make me feel brilliant about myself.

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 13/07/2024 15:02

I'm sorry to hear about your birth injuries. How does your partner make you feel about yourself? Does he make you feel sexy, secure, loved, safe? All the things that go into a good relationship.

Createausername1970 · 13/07/2024 15:03

If this is the only fly in the ointment and you are generally happy and you don't think he has cheated since, then you need to let it go. Whether that's through counselling or having a word with yourself.

If there are other reasons why this still niggles, because other stuff he does keeps reminding then you about it, then you need to address those reasons.

Edited as just read update. It sounds like you are having a bit of a low self esteem issue generally, rather than actually worrying about this.

Can you tell your partner how you are feeling - maybe don't tell him about this bit though - and say you think you might need a bit of counselling to help you process the birth injuries etc.

Original poster
luftwink · 13/07/2024 15:05

cupcaske123 · 13/07/2024 15:02

I'm sorry to hear about your birth injuries. How does your partner make you feel about yourself? Does he make you feel sexy, secure, loved, safe? All the things that go into a good relationship.

Yes mostly he does. But I often feel if I had been enough for him why didn't he send that message. It doesn't make sense

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 13/07/2024 15:06

It could be resentment over something else. If he's not being a good father and husband there can be an element of and I stayed when you did that to upset me.

cupcaske123 · 13/07/2024 15:09

luftwink · 13/07/2024 15:05

Yes mostly he does. But I often feel if I had been enough for him why didn't he send that message. It doesn't make sense

Show quote history

If everything else in your relationship is good then you need to let this go. It's been nearly ten years and is coming across as obsessive. Find a way to move on.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 13/07/2024 15:09

This is exactly why I wouldn't have given that second chance, but you did.
If this is literally the only fuck up then you need to move on, you agreed to give him the chance so to be feeling resentment now really isn't fair. It's most likely because you're feeling low about yourself and that's understandable. He asked for that second chance because he wanted to be with you though and that's what you should remember.

StormingNorman · 13/07/2024 15:14

How old is your youngest? Could you have PND or PNA? He sent one final message nine years ago and nothing has happened since. He ended it by not replying to her message. This is very much in the past and it sounds as if he loves you.

SummerFeverVenice · 13/07/2024 15:15

You’d only been seeing him for a few weeks, those are very early days in a relationship. Had you previously agreed this was to be a serious, exclusive relationship prior to him sending the text?

Even if you had, he made 1 stupid mistake early on and hasn’t since. You need to let this go. Even the biggest most perfect love of our life is from a human being, and being human they will fuck up now and then.

Fifthtimelucky · 13/07/2024 15:16

If I have understood this right, his message was sent when you had only been together a few weeks. It was early days in your relationship and he didn't know at that stage that you would become serious. Perhaps he
didn't know how long he would be in the same country as you. It sounds like he may have been hoping to keep his options open.

But that was nine years ago and since then it doesn't sound like he hasn't given you any reason to doubt him.

I agree with others that you need to move on - with the help of therapy or counselling if necessary.

Original poster
luftwink · 13/07/2024 15:16

StormingNorman · 13/07/2024 15:14

How old is your youngest? Could you have PND or PNA? He sent one final message nine years ago and nothing has happened since. He ended it by not replying to her message. This is very much in the past and it sounds as if he loves you.

No he did reply to her, it ended as she didn't reply back to him.
Well he is 4, but I've had one health problem after another since kids so anything's possible.
I know I'm being unreasonable but I feel resentment about it recently, out of nowhere

OP posts:
Bobbotgegrinch · 13/07/2024 16:13

Hi @luftwink , change a few details and I could be your husband.

I was in a long distance relationship at 24. We met backpacking, lived in different countries, so visited each other a couple of times, but most of the time were apart. Just as I was coming to the realisation that this relationship wasn't going to work, I met my DP on a night out, and very nearly did something stupid.

So I broke up with my long distance relationship over Skype, and then pursued DP.

Fast forward 11 months, and me and DP are having a (very) surprise baby. A couple of weeks later, when the dust has settled a bit, I realise that when ex finds out about this she's likely to be really fucking hurt.

So I send her an email. I wanted to explain what had happened, reassure her that there hadn't been an overlap, and that my reasons for splitting up were due to the long distance, not because I'd met someone else. I went a bit overboard, and said "I really did love you and part of me always will"

It did not go well. Ex's only reply was "That really fucking hurt". And then DP found the email. She was also "really fucking hurt". We came within a knats wing of splitting up, and 17 years later DP still flinches if she hears ex's name.

Here's the thing though, I don't think it was wrong to say what I did. I do think it's possible to love more than one person at once. We don't tend to, because most relationships end acrimoniously, and then you move on. But when there's noone at fault, it's not quite as cut and dry. Just because I ended things with ex, and met someone new, it doesn't mean that I stopped feeling anything for ex. The fact that those feelings still existed, and that I didn't want to upset ex didn't mean I was any less committed to DP.

Obviously, X number of years on, I'm not still in love with ex. I recently heard she was married, and was really happy for her.

Obviously your situation is slightly different, your DP messaged something obviously sexual, and it sounds like there was a bit of overlap between his relationships. But what you're worrying about is probably the same as my DP "Would he still be with her if not for the distance"

The answer is "Maybe". But does that really matter? There are no such thing as soulmates. There's only right person, right place, right time. The ex missed out on one of those three, you didn't.

Original poster
luftwink · 13/07/2024 16:27

Bobbotgegrinch · 13/07/2024 16:13

Hi @luftwink , change a few details and I could be your husband.

I was in a long distance relationship at 24. We met backpacking, lived in different countries, so visited each other a couple of times, but most of the time were apart. Just as I was coming to the realisation that this relationship wasn't going to work, I met my DP on a night out, and very nearly did something stupid.

So I broke up with my long distance relationship over Skype, and then pursued DP.

Fast forward 11 months, and me and DP are having a (very) surprise baby. A couple of weeks later, when the dust has settled a bit, I realise that when ex finds out about this she's likely to be really fucking hurt.

So I send her an email. I wanted to explain what had happened, reassure her that there hadn't been an overlap, and that my reasons for splitting up were due to the long distance, not because I'd met someone else. I went a bit overboard, and said "I really did love you and part of me always will"

It did not go well. Ex's only reply was "That really fucking hurt". And then DP found the email. She was also "really fucking hurt". We came within a knats wing of splitting up, and 17 years later DP still flinches if she hears ex's name.

Here's the thing though, I don't think it was wrong to say what I did. I do think it's possible to love more than one person at once. We don't tend to, because most relationships end acrimoniously, and then you move on. But when there's noone at fault, it's not quite as cut and dry. Just because I ended things with ex, and met someone new, it doesn't mean that I stopped feeling anything for ex. The fact that those feelings still existed, and that I didn't want to upset ex didn't mean I was any less committed to DP.

Obviously, X number of years on, I'm not still in love with ex. I recently heard she was married, and was really happy for her.

Obviously your situation is slightly different, your DP messaged something obviously sexual, and it sounds like there was a bit of overlap between his relationships. But what you're worrying about is probably the same as my DP "Would he still be with her if not for the distance"

The answer is "Maybe". But does that really matter? There are no such thing as soulmates. There's only right person, right place, right time. The ex missed out on one of those three, you didn't.

Thank you for this take on it.
Only they didn't have a relationship, only a fling. It was started solely on the basis of only a fling and casual, so why even bother to reply to her and yes obviously it was sexual which makes it feel so much worse to me

OP posts:
Bobbotgegrinch · 13/07/2024 16:43

luftwink · 13/07/2024 16:27

Thank you for this take on it.
Only they didn't have a relationship, only a fling. It was started solely on the basis of only a fling and casual, so why even bother to reply to her and yes obviously it was sexual which makes it feel so much worse to me

Show quote history

Fling / relationship, it's just a matter of semantics really.

You'd only been going out a few weeks when you saw this message, you could have turned out to be a fling too. You didn't. You were the right person, in the right place, at the right time, and he decided to build a life with you, as did you with him.

If you were going to split up with him over this, then the time to do it was then. But you chose not to, and he's displayed his commitment to you ever since. Surely it's better to focus on that than a stupid text message when you barely even knew each other.

Boomer55 · 13/07/2024 16:45

9 years? Either move on or leave him. It’s too long to be festering about it.

Crunchymum · 13/07/2024 16:56

I think both DP and I were on shaky ground with other people when we first met (I'd been on a few dates with someone else and he was planning to meet up with an ex who was back in town for a few weeks)

Then we met, slept together, fell hideously in lust with one another and never entertained anyone else again.

It's been 17 years and there's been no infidelity on either part. It didn't taint our relationship or set the tone.

But we had an open discussion about it all when we were a few weeks in, said there'd be no-one else and there never has been.

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