I'm angry for my friend. I'm asking for views on her behalf (which I've said I would).
Situation: My friend has been together and living with her DP for about 6 years. DP's teen DDs live with him most of the time. DD 1 has constantly outrageous behaviour - very mean, manipulative, narcissistic. She appears to show no remorse for anything. My friend is the constant victim of DD 1's behaviour. We're talking about emotional abuse from this child, lying, stealing, and general disrespect. To clarify I mean my friend gets absolutely no respect from DD 1.My friend is exhausted and fed up with the DD 1 who is constantly targeting her amongst her constant mischief. DP rarely tells DD 1 to apologise to his partner (my friend) and when DD 1 does it's disingenuous.
DD 2 is a bit younger and is always getting in trouble for not doing household chores like cleaning her room. She is otherwise a very good kid. However, DP is now taking out all his frustration on DD 2!! He says he's "done with her". To be clear this is over trivial teenager forgetfulness or sloppiness - she just doesn't do a thorough job cleaning up the kitchen or her room. Otherwise her behaviour is great.
I just learned yesterday, that my friend has NO SAY when it comes to the DDs. She tries to talk to DP about their behaviour and has for years advised him that DD 1's behaviour is not normal and needs to be dealt with appropriately (professionally) before it is too late. DP has never taken this onboard. Nor will he take onboard that he is being unreasonably harsh to DD 2. He considers my friend his live-in GF and not a stepmom figure nor any kind of authority figure. She is his GF and that's it. However he complains constantly to my friend about how HE is the victim of his child's behaviour. And nobody understands how difficult his life is. My friend has tried to explain the impact the outrageous behaviour has on her but DP continues to play the victim.
Because you'll ask, I'm fairly certain that my friend loves DP but is burned out by the situation. She wants to leave but is unfortunately stuck because of how much the cost of living has sky-rocketed especially after depleting savings while being unemployed for a time during the pandemic. To clarify my friend could come live with me except she's on the other side of the pond.
AIBU = live in GFs of 6 years are just GFs even when DP's children live in the house and you should have NO say.
YANBU = if you're living in a household with children (approx 8 and 10 when relationship began) you should be considered a caregiver no matter the label and therefore have a voice in the family over behaviour.