Very hurt by mothers actions

[starship92]

My mother is quite a cold character, i dont ever remember her telling me she loves me or giving me a cuddle.

I have 2 young kids and my partner works horrible shifts so im frequently doing bedtime alone and then sitting on my own most evenings until i go to bed. Its quite a lonely existance.

My mum lives a 10 minute drive away but would never lift the phone to call me let alone calling over to see me.

Which was fine, until my brother recently got in to a new relationship.

Now my mother is constantly hosting the new girlfriend, keeping her company when my brother has to pop out for an hour, just seems to be spending so much time with her.

Im incredibly hurt by this, she has probably spent more time with this girl in the last week than she has with me this year. I feel like she has absolutely no time for me. I have tried to discuss how i feel but she just disregards me and continues the same behaviour.

Am i being unreasonable by feeling jealous? Im her only daughter, does she just not actually like me? How do i deal with this in my own head?

Has she always been like this? I have a mother who has a favourite child and it hurts! I understand how you feel jealous but other posters may not x

You've described her as cold and never thinking of you. Are you sure you really want to spend any time with her? Not being funny, genuinely wondering if she's even worth your heartache?

Does the brother live with the mum? Is she making sure the new GF isn't going to 'take him away' by making her welcome?

You've taken yourself away already. Some mothers are very controlling in that way.

Thanks for all your replies.

Yes she definitely has a favourite and this brother is him! He doesn't live with her though.

I am also wondering myself why I care so much when she is so cold towards me but I feel like I'm constantly seeking her approval on my life and I know I need to stop that. I need to care less - but how?

Be thank ful she stays away from you. You wouldn't feel any better if she was with you more- you would feel worse

Haha! You are still hoping to earn her favour!

I found life so much easier when the penny dropped- she's not a good mum, she doesn't have my back, she isn't going to make me feel good by approving of me...

And actually if she did approve of me I'd worry because my values are so different! People she approves of are not people I admire.

So I told myself to grow up, validate myself, and let go of the idea of having a mum that dotes on me!

It's much less painful. But you need to grieve the mum you wish you have but don't, and parent yourself. I look after my inner child these days. No other fucker ever did! 😁

Thank you so much for this. Its exactly the attitude im going to try to adopt!

And good for you for getting to this stage. But also sorry you also had to go through this!

That will soon turn sour, I can't imagine the girlfriend really wanting the company of her new boyfriends mum that often! Just grab your popcorn and sit back.

So sorry @starship92, sounds like a Golden Child. I think you need to step away from getting your self worth from your mum. Do you have friends/other mum friends? I hear you on the isolation (I'm a single parent) but how about phoning people for a chat or getting involved with an online book club or getting DH to stay in when he isn't working/get a babysitter/swap babysitting with other mums so you can get out and catch up with friends. You won't be able to change what your mum does, but you can ensure that you have a lovely group of friends to do stuff with. Good luck

You have a mother wound. It's normal to crave the approval and affection of those who should care for us the most. But don't.

Get some therapy.

It isn't right what she is doing and how she is treating you. However you shouldn't be relying on her to provide friendship. Is there anyway that you can build up a friendship network? Are you in your children's class WA groups? Do you have any hobbies etc?

The best thing to do is accept that your mother will never be the person you want her to be, and that you see your friends' mothers being. Treat her like a not-particularly-close friend i.e. fine to see occasionally and make small chat about inconsequential things, but don't expect her support or validation on any point or her to have any great interest in you. Once you stop hoping that things will be better it makes your life so much freer.

As others have said it sounds like your family setup is the class scapegoat/golden child one - where your brother is always right and you are always wrong, pretty much regardless of what you do.