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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ex H-to-be carrying on with affair

8 replies

NeedMoreHeadSpce · 12/07/2024 19:17

I found out a year ago my H was having an affair. He’s made me very unhappy with his narcissism and disrespect towards me for years, and bad tempered behaviour including towards our 16-yr-old DS, that it was the catalyst to end things. He wanted us to stay together for another couple of years under the same roof, as he made out he got carried away and said he’d nade the decision straightaway to end it with this other woman. I said to him that I expected him to not continue as long as we’re under the same roof out of respect for me and our DS. I’ve been keen to move on but had to do maintenance bits to get the house in order first, before putting it on the market end of Feb but still hasn’t sold. In the meantime, I realise my exH is carrying on with what I assume to be her, and disappears for a few days at a time “to get out of my hair”. He flits around to suit himself, whilst I’m still bogged down in the family home keeping it clean, looking after DS (we are very close and H always resentful of that), dog and other pets, without any freedom to go about as I please, He works away from home alot, so has a very nice time of things, staying in nice hotels and coming back to a nice. clean house. We are generally civil with each other, though I’m struggling. He tells so many lies, even about things he doesn’t need to lie about, and next week he has annual leave and is going to stay with married friends of his who have 2 young children, a couple of hours away. which i foubd hard to believe. And he isn’t - he’s bought first class train tickets to go to a city 1.5 hrs away from these friends, as I have discovered. He’s lying to me again. Shall I tell him I know what he’s upto and tell him he really needs to move out as this situation I find quite repulsive, even though legally I can’t force him to move out? Or should I stay quiet and observe? sorry if slow to respond but thank you everyone for advice. Divorce is going through online btw.

OP posts:
TinyYellow · 12/07/2024 19:28

I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of telling him you know what he’s been up to. Tell him you don’t like him enough to want to live with him anymore and that you want him to move out as soon as possible so that you can get on with your life without him flitting into all the time.

cestlavielife · 12/07/2024 19:31

You are getting divorced. Get it done quick and get him out.
None of your business what he does outside the home.
Focus on agreed arrangements for dc and stop doing his washing and cleaning
I

cestlavielife · 12/07/2024 19:32

And a 16 year old can clean too unless SEN or disabled

CedarFence · 12/07/2024 19:36

cestlavielife · 12/07/2024 19:31

You are getting divorced. Get it done quick and get him out.
None of your business what he does outside the home.
Focus on agreed arrangements for dc and stop doing his washing and cleaning
I

And can you go away to stay with friends and leave him with domestic, household and pets?

Basically he asked to stay in the same house, agreed terms and then reneged. So tell him desk is off, and he needs to fuck off.

However, I would keep disruption and change to a minimum while your Ds is doing big exams.

Hugesunflower · 12/07/2024 19:37

Why isn’t your house selling. This is what you need to focus on.

Marblessolveeverything · 12/07/2024 19:48

To be blunt the marriage is over so I don't see the option as such. You can't demand he doesn't have a sex life the same as he can't demand of you.

The issue is the practical separation didn't occur at the same time as the emotional relationship separation.

Get the house, divorce sorted and move on. It's so messy when you are in the same premises

NeedMoreHeadSpce · 13/07/2024 01:16

Thanks everyone for your comments so far. I hate this feeling that he’s living the high life and calling the shots. Though I’m calling the shots pushing on with the divorce. He’s refusing to fill in the Form E - he clearly has stuff to hide - but I’ve agreed to see a mediation lawyer to divide our assets but I’m going to come down heavy on him. I realise that he’s been wining and dining this floozy fairly regularly by staying at a friends close to his place of work and taking the train into London where she lives and works. I’ve taken the house off the market temporarily as the market was fairly dead, so I can enjoy the summer break and go on holiday, Then I’ll rev everything up to get out of here. What’s sickening too is that because I have him totally sussed, and tell him he’s a narc, he’s been getting now former friends and acquaintances to block me on FB so I can’t always trace what he’s upto because he lies and makes out he’s seeing such and such when I know he isn’t. He’s probably gone down the “my wife doesn’t understand me” route - I’ve told him he’s absolutely right if so, I totally do not understand him. Some people clearly think he’s great but he’s been ghastly at home with his family and always undermined me and tried to humiliate me when we were out with friends. I told him a few years ago I wanted a divorce but he begged me to stay, bought me gifts and promised he’d change, but he actually got worse but never looked at himself from the outside in, as he is the classic narc who blames everyone but himself. Anyway, thanks for letting me use MN as a sounding board. I’ll sleep better now. Goodnight!

OP posts:
RawBloomers · 13/07/2024 01:59

Glad you are planning to divorce, he sounds vile.

He’s presumably spending family assets on these first class tickets etc. Is he spending more than he’s adding to the pot? Will you be worse off financially when things are split up because of these few years? It sounds like he wanted to wait until DS was 18 so he didn’t have to pay out any extra to support him.

I would be more concerned about the financial aspects than the “disrespect” if he isn’t bringing her back, talking about her or otherwise pushing it in your face. He doesn’t respect you. You know this. Focus on the things that will make a material difference to your future.

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