To take her out of dance?

[Mumguilt342]

So I started my degree before I had my son but got unexpectedly pregnant with him during my first year, my first year was on Wednesdays and Thursdays. When he was born I suspended my studies for a year and now I am looking to finish my two remaining years from September. I knew that my second year was on a Monday and Tuesday and my third year on a Thursday and Friday, so when my daughter (5) asked if she could join a dance class after school on a Wednesday I didn’t see any reason why she couldn’t! However, I have now found out that they have actually moved the days of the degree around, so second years are now in on a Tuesday and Wednesday. I would not be able to get there until around half an hour after the dance class had finished.

I honestly feel so stressed about this, she absolutely adores going it is the highlight of her week, they have been working towards a show they will be performing in November for ages and I just feel to take her out is just so unfair. I’ve honestly considered dropping out of my degree but from where I used my ‘bonus’ year of student finance when I was younger, this is my last chance now to get a degree.

There is one more mum from the school that takes her daughter and my partners suggested asking if she could help as it is only over the road from school and she actually lives on the same road as us, however she already helps out another mum and takes her daughter, whilst watching that girls older sister whilst the lesson is on. So I just feel like it’d be completely unfair to put anymore stress or pressure on to her, not only that but there would be a period of between 15-30 mins after the lesson finished before me or my partner would get back.

I just don’t know what to do, and I’ve had some great suggestions on here in the past when I’ve been stuck. So if anyone could help it would be hugely appreciated!

She has offered - could you make it a formal arrangement and give her some cash? There has to be a way to solve this.
Edit: sorry, I see she hadn't offered. Well you could ask. She can say yes or no. If no, is there anyone else?

I would ask but make it clear you won't be offended if she says no. I offered to take 3 other children to dance when dd was in primary and supervise them until one of their parents could collect them.

How much would you miss asking to leave half an hour early? Is it an hour lecture you’d miss half of for example? Or can you possibly explain there’s a clash with childcare and ask for reasonable adjustments (I’ve worked at universities and we’ve made adjustments for students with children previously).

1. ask the other mum, she can only say no.
2. can you see if there’s any childminders in your area who could do pick up/ drop off. Some of the ladies who work in our local nursery also do around school clubs drop offs.

Aside from the obvious (can your partner take her, your mum, a relative, friend, another school mum etc) - could you speak to the university and see whether you can take the last class of the day remotely? You could dial in on a laptop while waiting outside DD's class?

We had a clash, it happens. DD temporarily joined a different dance class on a more appropriate day at a different dance school and then moved back when lessons aligned again, she continued her other classes drama etc at the original dance school throughout as they didn't clash with anything.

Changing the time of a lecture because one of the students wants to take her daughter to a dance class is not a reasonable adjustment.

It's frustrating, OP, but unless you can get someone else to help out/pay a childminder she'll have to do a different class.

Please don't drop out of the degree because of this!

I'd ask the other mum, would you be able to return the favour in the future?
Would your DD be able to stay at dance and wait for you if you asked the teachers and she took something to do ie colouring or reading or watched the older pupils for a while?
Lastly, any teenagers looking to earn a few pounds to collect her and bring her home?

I literally never said changing the time of a lecture? I asked what exactly was overlapping in that time.

A reasonable adjustment for childcare related issues could be that student can access a recording of the lecture (happens in most lectures now), could access the lecture notes, or if it’s a seminar and not a lecture can zoom into the class as often can be the case. There’s many more ways she could make adjustments but nowhere did I say to move an entire lecture.

Don't drop out of your degree! Ask if there's any scope for you to leave an hour earlier on Wednesdays for childcare reasons - I think lecture material is available online these days? Or could you even join the lecture remotely?
The better option would be your partner covering the dance class if they can?
No harm in asking the other mum if she minds - would picking her DD up from school another day of the week in return be an option?
Or is there another dance class on another day? Or a different dance school?

I did my degree part time and was in a group who were all working fulltime. At the start of the year we had a discussion as some of us travelled a fair distance and it was a long day. It was agreed we'd have half an hour for lunch and finish half an hour early. It was one of the lecturers who suggested it, they obviously didn't like the late finish either, so there can be flexibility. Not sure if it would work on all courses.

Thank you so much everyone for your brilliant replies, Mumsnet never disappoints!

@Pocketfullofdogtreats offering some cash would make me feel better about asking her (just hate to put any pressure on people, especially as she’d know if she said no then chances are my daughter wouldn’t be able to do it 😅) and unfortunately not anyone else I can ask!

@cheddercherry thank you, I could definitely try and leave half hour early so that if I did ask the mum then it would take away any pressure of her having to watch my daughter for any time after the class, it would be half hour off a 2 hour lecture so wouldn’t be out of the question! Only two childminders in our village and both have waiting lists annoyingly, good idea though.

@takealettermsjones unfortunately no one else I can ask, partner works over an hour away and doesn’t ever know what time he’ll be back, the only family I have is my mum but she works full time all week as well, none of my close friends live where I live as we only moved here about 3 years ago. Also unfortunately unable to take it remotely as already spoke to the university about that due to a childcare stress previously, and they told me they don’t do that anymore as they like to encourage face to face learning! But thank you for your ideas.

@Singleandproud to throw another spanner in the works, annoyingly I’m not able to drive yet! We also live in a village where the dance class is the only after school activity that I am (currently) able to get her to, other dance classes require me to get two busses and I would just not get there in time. (I really need to learn how to drive, it’s on the cards!)

@ranoutofquinoaandprosecco these are really useful ideas thank you! I’ve occasionally seen the mum rushing in the mornings if she’s starting work earlier, so the idea of going in and offering if I could help her out on her earlier start days would definitely make me feel better asking her. Also never thought of asking the dance teacher, as the older ones go in straight after her class. A teenager would be useful but not aware of any that would be up for it, but again - good idea! Thank you.

@cloudy477654 I think leaving a bit earlier could be an option, just not early enough to reach school pick up so would be up to the other mum if she was comfortable with it! But I think I’m going to approach her and offer to help her with school drop offs as I’ve seen her rushing at times in the mornings! No other dance classes that I can get to unfortunately 💔

Yes, I’d offer to pay the other mum as a babysitting service. It’ll make it easier for everyone.

Or find an older student who wants babysitting money?

or pay a babysitter from Sitters?

It is worth making it as stress free for yourself as possible

@Mumguilt342 does the dance school have teen classes, could the teacher recommend a trust worthy one that might want to help?