Is it normal to feel like this with a toddler?

[Sadandstressedd]

Dd is 23 months. I’ve been a single parent all her life, ex sees her for a day every two weeks. The first year I actually found was ok. I had saved hard for mat leave and so had no financial stress. Saw friends a lot. Dd was chilled. I started work again last year and even though I do work from home a bit, I am constantly overwhelmed and sad. I am constantly rushing from place to place. My to do list never ends. I have endless admin with childcare/nursery, running the house and insurance etc, running the car and taking it for work to have done or for its mot or changing tyre. There is literally always something and it’s all on me. I don’t know how I’ve survived work, I work in tax planning and it’s often hard, I do the bare minimum to get through the day as I am running on such little energy. I look homeless as I have no time to shop, genuinely. People think that’s an exaggeration, it’s not. I can’t take annual leave often as I need it in case Dd is unwell. My home is clean but messy. I spend my last hour before bed trying to keep on top of it. I have no money as nursery is so expensive and yes I’ve checked and have no entitlement to anything. Her dad pays me the minimum and won’t pay more. but to be honest money is the least of my stresses as just mentally coping with it all is the worst part. I do have family but parents are elderly and could not have Dd for more than half an hour and even that is a stretch.

I just feel like shit. I feel like I could have a month off it all and still feel like a broken woman. I constantly worry if Dd is ok or if she is noticing I am so stressed? I try to make things happy for her and sing in the car or over breakfast etc but who knows really what she’s picking up.

the worst part is that whenever I reach out people say it’s only going to get worse now she’s almost two! I know it’s often said jokingly but I feel so low. I feel like the days go by and I am barely existing. Is this just toddler life? Will it change?

Hopeful bump

Hi sorry to hear you are feeling so low. Sounds to me like you are doing a great job. A 23 month old is hard work. It’s difficult because you have to have your eyes on them all the time so it’s intense , I’d imagine being a single parent it is a lot more difficult. I found by 2 and a half to three things gradually got easier. There are still lots of tantrums etc but children can communicate their needs a bit better by that stage and stop putting things in their mouths constantly . By three things start getting a lot easier. Sleep is better too when daytime nap is cut out. What you lose from the nap you gain in that it’s easier to get them to sleep earlier.

could your ex take her a bit more ? Or pay for a few hours childcare for you to have a break ?

I work full time with a 6 year

You're in the run ragged part. I have a 9 year old and an 18 month old, I can feel it ramping up but also know it reduces when they will sit and watch an iPad for a bit to give you some time to get on top of things. It absolutely does not get harder than what you're in now, just get through it xxx

Plus everyone who has a toddler has a messy house. It’s par for the course. I’ve a four year old and there is still Lego all over the place. I would try not to worry about mess if the house is clean it doesn’t matter, I would take a break and watch some tv or something instead of tidying if you can. It’s so hard trying to juggle work with a small child. I promise you it does get easier. Sounds like you could do with some extra support .

I sounds like you are having a difficult time but it will get easier. Make sure you’re looking after yourself in all of this. Maybe pick dd up a bit later a couple of times a week and fit in a brisk walk outside. And make sure to eat healthily too - you may be already but a good diet and some exercise will go a long towards having more energy (I eat way too much sugar for example which leaves me drained in the evenings sometimes). Then you might feel better able to cope.

Let me try again. I work full time with a 3 and 6 year old and I have a partner. I found the first couple of years really hard as it feels like from the moment you get up to the moment you go to sleep there is just stuff to get done.

But I have found from age 3 it's easier with the child - you don't feel as though you need your eyes on them every moment. My child is sitting in the bath, I can fold clothes next to them and put away while chatting to toddler.

What's the main issue? Is it lack of time or money or loneliness or dealing with toddler behaviour? Is there any way you can carve out some time for your self, invite friends over in the evening for example?

Can you cut your hours and save on nursery and maybe claim some benefits?

I would leave the house in a mess rather than spend an hour a day tidying- if you're both out at nursery and work then it surely can't get in that much of a mess.

But yes it gets easier as they get older and they can do a lot more themselves like get dressed and go to the toilet and help in a way that's actually helpful.

Hi op, I have a 23 month old and 3.5 year old. In my opinion it definitely gets easier as they get older as PP said they can communicate more effectively. I feel with my 23 month old I've had a baby forever, perhaps my older DD grew up a little faster because of younger DD arriving when she was 18 months. Will you get the free hours when DD turns 2 and in September? My DD2 is eligible then for 15 hours as she will be 2 next month. I know you said money is the least of your worries but would be one less thing to worry about.
It does get easier and don't worry about the mess, I don't know anybody that has a toddler that has a tidy home!
I only work 3 days and have DH, so if you're working full time and pretty much doing this on your own, you're doing brilliantly.
Hope things improve for you.

Hi OP
2yo are difficult they are always busy and into everything, no wander you are exhausted as a single parent
Could your ex not have DC 2 days every 2 weeks?
as for shopping and taking care of yourself you just need to get organised, use time you have
You know you have every evening and one day every two weeks.
this is what I would do (sorry if you already do these things)
shop online that's for food , toiletries and clothing,
have a cleaning schedule (I like the organised mum method 15 minutes a day so weekends are for rest and not cleaning)
go to bed as early as you can
batch cook ( easiest is to cook double or triple of one dish you are making that day for dinner , portion extras and freeze )
exercise in the morning or evening when DC sleeps
schedule hairdressers etc on the days DC is with EX

I'm sure other people will have more ideas, that's what worked for me when I was a single parent.

As children get older they start to occupy themselves more as well.
with DD I tried a pattern of going out in the mornings and being very active and then putting a film on, putting some toys out and so i could catch up, although I get she is still small. Getting out for a good walk will probably make you feel better as well.

Have you told work you feel like you are struggling a bit? Maybe you could work at home a bit more, start early, finish early and wizz round the house before you pick her up.

Thanks for all the ideas. I’m so so glad to hear this is the worst it gets. I just feel I’m on repeat, everyday. I get frustrated so so so so easily and never used to be like that.

Ex won’t do me any favours at all. No way will he have her more. I feel terrible at the idea of getting a childminder… nursery all week then a childminder at weekend seems so harsh. I can’t exercise, etc. I just want life to feel exciting again, not just surviving.

It’s hard OP. I am not surprised you feel so frazzled.

I would say you dont need all 25 days leave for illness. So schedule in a day here or there to shop, catch up on life admin or just have a break from not chasing your tail. In that respect, nursery age is easier than school age.

Also if you can afford it - join a gym with a creche/kids club. My gym has both and so I take my two at the weekend and they spend 1-2 hours there whilst I work out.

What's that got to do with the price of fish?
😂

And OP I'm really sorry you're feeling so frazzled.
Toddlers are such hard work.

I feel like a shit mum. Don’t know if she’s truly happy or content because I’m always so stressed trying to get everything done

Please do not feel bad about getting a childminder if you can. This will help you to recharge and you and your child will benefit enormously.

Darling, you're not a shit mum at all.
You're an exhausted one.

You’re an amazing Mum I’ve no doubt. Shit mums don’t care about a clean house, or happy and content child. They don’t care about sending their child to childcare for extra time.

You’re navigating all of this on your own for the first time, whilst holding down a challenging job.

You might not realise but you’re smashing it and I bet there’s loads of people who see and admire you.

Do you have any friends who also have kids?
Meeting up at the weekend and having a cuppa while little ones play saved my sanity many times

Do you get paid sick leave?

Take a few days/ week with a gastric bug and just SLEEP/watch telly/tidy up a bit/get fresh air/whatever.

Not everyone is fighting the same battles and you need a break. It won’t fix things, but you can breathe.

@LividLoved yes I get sick leave but again have this fear I may actually need it.

im worried dd doesn’t have enough veg etc as I’m so stressed sometimes I do whatever meal is easiest. I feel like I’m letting her down so much.

it’s weird as I never thought I would feel so time stretched just by having a toddler but the hours seem to pass and im always always behind

It’s normal.

Hang on there.

Mine is just getting easier at 4, able to take your eyes off them and have fun conversations.

Also able to turn the telly on if i need a minute or an hour of peace, and i try to stay guilt free about that!

I don’t know your financial situation but could you look to outsource some tasks?

Like a cleaner, meal boxes?