why get a divorce when you can have…?

[reallydontunderstand]

Hi All,

I have been with my husband for nearly 20 years (we got together too young) married for 10. We never shared sense of humor, very different tastes in most things, but that was OK with busy lives elsewhere. We grew up together and there was a real sense of partnership.
Then we had kids and all hell broke loose. It’s so much to do, we have no community or family. Feels like we have such fundamental differences that any love we had for each other is gone. We are doing well financially, are OK around each other and still plan things to do together. But we don’t spend any time together on a daily basis if avoidable (separate TVs, separate rooms as there is still a little one with me). Sometimes even a ‘good morning’ or ‘bye’ is too hard to do.
I guess my question is, how is divorce actually better? Feels like a logistical nightmare, hard to separate enmeshed lives and for young kids. I would love to not feel sad and resentful all the time, but I really can’t have it any harder than I do.

AIBU - you do not stay in a marriage where there is no love, or even a bit of joy.

AINBU - divorce is tough and unless there is no way out (eg affairs or physical fights) best to stay together for stability

Similar circumstances. My self respect kicked in. More to life than treading water in a bad marriage.

Of course divorce is tough (I'm in the middle of one) but IMO it's a hell of a lot better than an existence where life is just about sadness and resentment. My divorce is about ex-H's infidelity but there was no way I was going to raise my kids in that kind of environment - I simply couldn't be the parent I wanted to be with him around.

That's only my opinion though - everyone's circumstances are different and this kind of choice is very personal.

Separating is difficult but we only have one life, why spend it filled with sadness and resentment?

If you are staying together for the kids, is this the kind of life you want to model for them? What advice would you give them if they came to you as adults with the same problem?

I can’t speak on divorce but we had a patch when kids were v young and it was all hard work and all hands on deck. But it got better. How young is your LO? Are you sleeping with them because of their needs or are you using your child as a human shield? If the latter then maybe you have checked out mentally if not physically. If the marriage is dead and you stay long term, it seems like a stunted life to lead. But if you are safe, I’m not sure any hasty decision is wise when you are in the white heat of babies.

PS I should also have said - do you think joint counselling might improve things at all? It's not necessarily a binary choice between stay in an unhappy relationship or leave.

I’m not saying anyone should stay in a marriage where they are miserable, but sometimes it isn’t the marriage that’s making them miserable. Life with small kits is brutal and unrelenting. Add into that cost of living and struggling to afford fun stuff, life can feel miserable. But it can get better.

Do you like your husband?

unfortunately, he doesn’t agree to counseling. i thought counseling could help at least with establishing some basics - eg i don’t think he has actually adjusted to life with kids - and teach us how to communicate without getting so triggered. he doesn’t want to try as he sees it as a waste of time / money.