He accused me and DD of bullying him

[CCandmum]

OH has a hard time waking up by himself. Always has. He snores terribly and I do wonder if it's all to do with him having a poor quality of sleep, perhaps sleep apnoea? Anyway..

He asks me to wake him for work if I haven't left by the time his alarm goes off. I don't mind, providing he then forces himself out of the bed and doesn't have me standing there repeating myself which unfortunately does happen. He isn't a lazy person in general and does work very hard. He just cannot seem to wake up.

So this morning before I leave to do the school run I go in and give him a shake as he's slept through the alarm. DD (almost 7) is with me.

She remarks "daddy takes a long time to get out of bed" to which I replied "yes he does love"

Well with that he gets annoyed and says "alright for god sake ill just stay up then, I won't get any sleep"

I thought to myself surely you're not being shitty with me about that.

But, then he went on to accuse me and DD of bullying him, purely based on the brief aforementioned exchange above. She is just a child making an observation.

I thought he was being lighthearted but no, he says he really did feel attacked. He said there's lots of behaviours of hers that he could point out but doesn't. At this point we turned and left the house and I sent him a message to say don't bother coming back here after work.

I've been silently furious all day and i'm reminded of the many times in the past where any sort of criticism perceived or real results in him painting himself as the victim of bullying, and brings up how he was bullied in school. At this stage I'm over it and couldn't give a shit. He's 40.

His reaction is so far away from being normal isn't it? But have I overreacted?

I've NC.

He has massively overreacted. He has clearly been traumatised by the bullying at school and is getting triggered by you / daughter. It’s his responsibility to recognise that and seek therapy so he isn’t taking his trauma reaction out on you and your daughter. It’s understandable you lost patience with him but if you regain your patience the kind thing would be to gently push him in the right direction. If he refuses to seek help you will need to judge what is best for you and your daughter.

That's the last time I'd bother waking him up! Let him sort himself out.

Regarding the snoring - is he overweight?

Thank you. I completely agree.

I've been telling him for a few years now that he needs to go to therapy to unpick and work through the things he has carried with him from childhood. He makes all of the right noises at the time but has never taken any steps to actually do it and I don't believe he ever will. He is absolutely terrible at communication.

My thoughts exactly. I won't be bothering again.

He is overweight yes, his BMI is in the obese category but only just. He has put on weight over the past few years (me too - so no judgement there) but the snoring has been a problem since way back when he was a healthy weight.

You didn't over react, he needs help!
Your should leave him to sort himself out in the morning from now on, until he realises he's got a problem.

She's fucking 6. He needs to catch a grip and while he's at it so he can buy another alarm clock. He's an adult. He needs to wake himself up. It's his responsibility not yours.

Had he ever labelled your DD as a bully before? Maybe this could be the catalyst for a serious conversation that will push him into action. If not then he is being neglectful of his responsibility to his daughter.

He is using past experience as a tool to be unreasonable and excuse his own failings.
You weren't bullying him, he needs to set a better example to your DD.
I find this victim mentality icky tbh, really unattractive, feeling bullied by a 7yr old is quite pathetic.
I also wouldn't be doing him any favours like waking him up.

A man child who cannot take responsibility for himself, so blames you and a child for 'bullying' him.
He may or may not have a condition, but if he has, it is up to him to deal with it.

Thank you all for echoing my own thoughts and confirming that his reaction was way over the top.

He has never called DD a bully before no. I was absolutely gobsmacked and still am because she's the furthest thing from a bully.

We had her parents evening the other day and her teacher spoke at length about what a kind girl she is and how she's very empathetic towards others. It's one of my favourite things about her.

It has upset me a lot hearing him talk about her that way 😔

On the way to school she asked if it was her he was talking about and I tried to say that it wasn't. Unfortunately that didn't wash with her as she's not daft.

I'm worried he's going to mess her up emotionally because he can't get his own emotions in order.

Does he have trouble sleeping, or waking in the middle of the night?

I'm like that, but - weirdly - the closer it gets to the working day the easier I find it to sleep...and I can easily sleep for as long as I want during the day. I used to take it really personally when people would have a dig at me about waking up late, because I saw it as a personal failing but had no idea what to do about it.

Basically, I was harder on myself about it than the people around me, but I couldn't see past the anger at myself to be able to recognise that they weren't being cruel about it.

Could it be something like that?

It sounds as though it could be yes, I do think he's embarrassed about it although not enough to actually do anything to fix it.

He doesn't wake in the night but does go to sleep very late despite needing to be up relatively early. He says it's his wind down time / time to relax which is fair enough, but I do think he could do more.

I found a big alarm clock for people who are hard of hearing and sent him the link. He didn't bother buying it.

He's a very defensive person in general 😕

Of course he will mess her up. He is an arsehole. Has he apologised this evening? Do you find him attractive like this?

Slight diversion from your reason for posting, but if there's a suspicion that he had sleep apnoea (and his symptoms are classic, frankly) you do know it can kill, right? He needs to see his GP. When my GP suspected that I had it, I got a referral very quickly.

I know he already has issues, but waking grumpy and being irrational is also up there with symptoms.

Id be worried as well. He's traumatised because he was bullied. What does he think he did to his child? There's lots of things about her he could point out...isn't that enough to cause a child anxiety worry about what horrible things he might point out. He needs to sort his shit out.

He hasn't apologised yet no, we haven't spoken since. I am expecting a text at some point as that's usually how it goes after he has been petulant.

I couldn't be less attracted to him at this moment in time.

He needs to apologise to his child. Sending you a text means nothing.

The alarm clock isn't going to help, because the problem isn't waking up - at least, if he's anything like me.

The only thing that's helped me is melatonin - it sorts out the sleep cycle. You can't get it on the NHS, but you can get it from a private doctor (hint: ask an NHS GP who also does private work for it, they might prescribe it privately). Another option is getting it from an online clinic, although they tend not to want to prescribe it very often.

Just a suggestion, though. I could be way off-base here.

Oh I know. I've been around the houses with him about it many, many times. There's nothing else I can do unfortunately. He hasn't stepped foot in a GP surgery for well over 8 years for anything.

Well if being a prick to his kid won't motivate him to go maybe divorce will.

"He said there's lots of behaviours of hers that he could point out but doesn't."

Well I'm sure she had super fun all day trying to work out what her flaws are and why that makes her a bad person. Honestly he needs to answer why he ever thinks that is acceptable to do to a 6 year old and apologise directly to her.

I expect nothing less than a sincere apology directly to her, though I'm not sure it will make much of a difference to the way I'm feeling towards him at the minute.

I probably sound like a heartless cow now but there are people out there who've had it a lot worse than him that manage not to project it onto their own small children.

I think he either needs to get help or just get over it as there's nothing else to say now is there? He can't go through life being a perpetual victim.

It sounds as though you are done with him in general?

I'd give him an ultimatum - either he makes a GP appointment (or attends the one you make for him if he's going to be stubborn) and pursues sleep apnoea or he sleeps elsewhere and you're done with his behaviour.

We don't have the closest relationship these days if I'm honest. We rub along OK for the most part but I'm becoming more and more intolerant of what feels like to me to be a lot of childish petulance from him. There is a lot more to it than I'm going to bore you all with at this late hour but this is exactly who he is, it's just the first time he has directed it towards DD.

We were on the verge of splitting up last year then he claimed to have had an epiphany and seen the error of his ways, agreed to couples counselling and promised to make an effort to communicate.

He just says whatever he thinks you want to hear at the time to get you to be quiet then soon reverts to type.

I don't think he's capable of changing tbh.