Is my cousin neurodivergent?

[NuevaQ]

My cousin is sort of an oddball - sorry, I’m sure this will offend some people.

He is late twenties and never diagnosed with anything. But he is very awkward socially. Doesn’t have any friends really, he socialises with other cousins that are younger than him by about 7 years, but more awkward around his own age group.

Never had a girlfriend (or boyfriend) - hard to say if he is actually interested. Never really talks about that sort of stuff. Still rather close to his mum as closer than to any friend, well he still lives at home.

He had his childhood teddy bear well into his teenage years.

No the type of "awareness " where you get to judge him whilst condescendingly point out that he can't help it because he's ND is not helpful infact it's very harmful

Does it mean though that he can’t help it? I suppose the person with hearing impairment could learn to talk a bit less loud but understandably it won’t be as easy for them as for someone whose hearing is working fine. If that person is amongst people who are all hearing impaired no need to adjust at all. Once we start mixing we all need to adjust somewhat to our environment

Does it matter?

Having a diagnosis wont mean you suddenly understand him, neither would it mean he would change.
And no one on MN can diagnose him.

Maybe just accept him for who he is. The only person that should be concerned with a diagnosis or not, is your cousin.

I take a more pragmatic view of this type of thing than some of the PPs. I also disagree that "nothing" in her post suggests ND.

I have ADHD and my DS is AuDHD. We have TONS of ND in our family. We are all "oddballs". I don't see that as a bad thing. I like quirky, oddball people. They are often very interesting characters.

IME "oddballs" are not always but are often ND. My DS made a group of "oddball" friends (they would have no issue with this description!) at school and almost all of them (they are now adults) now have an ND diagnosis (and DS suspects that the ones that don't may be ND). So yes your cousin could just be "odd" or have some unusual quirks.. Or he could be neurodivergent. Some of behaviour you describe could "just" be anxiety and/or social anxiety . There's obviously not enough in what you've written to diagnose anyone of anything.

Please remember that years ago ND peeps were written off as weird and odd (as I was) and exclude, I'd much rather people thought "hold on, this could be ND". if that means people can be more understanding of less usual behaviour and it help them make allowances and be more accepting, that's great as far as I'm concerned.

Why does it matter whether or not “he can help it”? You’ve posted in such a way that you know you are offending some people, but you’ve stated you won’t change that. Can you help it?

He might be autistic, he might not be. Get to know him and respond to him as an individual. Some of what you’ve put reminds me of autistic friends. Some doesn’t. Some reminds me of social anxiety.

While autistic people are often judged, I think the issue is more that every time someone is “weird” someone will ask if they’re autistic, showing that many people just think autism = weird.

I disagree with this completely. Of course a diagnosis helps you understand someone. That's the exact reason many NDs seek a diagnosis, to understand and accept themselves better. Why would it be any different for other people?

You sound lovely. Not.
What would you do if we all turned around and said we thought he was? How does that benefit or impact on you. He is causing you no harm. This thread puts you in a very nedgative light.
I don't have any friends anymore, still at home at 39 and quiet. Nice you think of me as an 'oddball'.
Have you ever considered that people have different needs and personalities ? Wild concept I know.....

Especially when he gives periodic updates about his whereabouts even though he was told he doesn’t need to (e.g. cousin don’t worry about stopping on the motorway just to let me know where you are - he says it makes him feel better)…

Some lone travellers are paranoid about something happening and no one knowing where to look if they go/someone goes missing. Plenty of women keep this kind of exchange going constantly between each other for safety because it makes us feel more secure. Doesn't mean we're all ND.

Nothing you have said sounds like ND. Plenty of people are socially awkward, have good relationships with their mums, are late bloomers or just like to keep their private lives private, have more online friends than irl ones especially if they have a lot of family around that they see regularly and still have toys in their 40s (don't pretend lego and funky aren't toys). He just isn't like you.

But OP is asking MN to diagnose their cousin.
Their cousin may or may not be interested in pursuing a diagnosis. Many people could be ND, but don't care for a diagnosis.
Not OP's place to decide that anyway.

Thank you for the information, that’s covered everything a psychiatrist would ask in their assessment and I’ll feed that into the DSM V and get back to you with a full diagnosis for free for a person I have never met.

Have you considered that you may be neuro divergent op?

Why would you just walk away if you don't get answers?

It may be ASD, the biggest indicator is other people in the family having autistic traits. Trauma can also present with autism-like symptoms, has he experienced trauma/abuse?

This is really quite a stupid thing to say. You've just called him an oddball whilst also asking if he's neurodiverse. What do you think?

I'm also neurodiverse by the way and yes describing us as oddballs is rather insulting.

I’m not going to filter anything I say and just accept that I will offend people.

Im not sure about your cousin @NuevaQ but I’d consider you being autistic.

Being autistic doesn't mean being a twat.
Many of us worry a lot about whether we're upsetting people or not. Or at least would care if we did.

I know, but the op is on a wind up and was pointing out how ridiculous it is to just assume.

I was responding to the specific point this poster made about whether a diagnosis would help the OP understand him.

Well, she is not trying to understand him without a diagnosis, so why would she if he had one?

I think I’ve covered that point in my pp.

As I said before, I’m not actually trying to get formal diagnoses from here, of course.

We are not from the UK. Other thing that springs to mind he was exempt from military service, in our country men have to do military service. He doesn’t have any physical medical condition.

Btw, his parents also thought he was different and asked the wider family (cousins) take him out.

I can see that it is a sensitive topic for many. Thank you @InattentiveADHD.

Weird, oddball, different are all words. I can’t actually think of other words describing the idea of something being not the same as something else….

Diagnoses no diagnoses to understand just can’t be a bad thing?

Do ND people find certain things or situations more challenging? Or ADHD, ASD…. If so and I know someone is on that spectrum somewhere it will make me tolerate and accept any quirks that I would otherwise find difficult to understand and tolerate.

We should be tolerant of everyone - in ideal world yes. But if I told my mate Joe over there we are going to leave in about 30mins to an hour (depending on X and I don’t know how X will turn out) I would expect him to stop repeatedly asking when are we leaving, in 30mins or in an hour? At that point I want to scream, I don’t know Joe! It depends on X and I have no control over X but know that X always takes between 30mins to an hour which I already told you at least 5 times.

Why not just say he seems different to other people then? Using words like oddball is so hurtful and cruel to your cousin. He deserves better. It sounds like you look down on him which says a lot about you.
This thread has really annoyed me on many levels.

It just reads like you can't stand him and want to find out if it's because he's just annoying (so you "walk away") or ND (so you continue to judge him but with a big helping of patronising "ahhhh, he can't help it").

You also suggest that if he is ND that he needs to "tone it down" when he's "mixing" with NTs - like we as ND people have much say in the matter about whether we mix or not! You make it sound like it's a choice to "mix", but then criticise him for not mixing, i.e. not having friends.

The walk away comment was in response to someone saying just accept him or walk away. Why do you need to understand anything else before.

The mixing was in response to the poster that replied to my example of the hearing impaired individual. I tried to illustrate how something can be disturbing (I’m struggling to think of words that I’m sure will not offend anyone so apologies if people find that word also offensive) but once wider context is provided people will understand. It is all just getting twisted up and people are focusing on how to find something negative.