Am I being unreasonable

[littlemonster34]

My ex dh and I share a ds13. Ex and ds have a shared interest - let's say it's a particular band they like to go watch (it's not, but similar).

Ex has been taking ds to a LOT of events/concerts. Sometimes they fall on my contact time but I'm flexible about it because I know it's something ds enjoys doing. However it's becoming more and more frequent, involves a lot of travel and often means ds gets home really late, sometimes early hours of the morning. As a one off I didn't mind but it's becoming very regular and I worry that ds is doing too much. He's knackered the next day and has even missed school a few times because of it.

Ex also seems to expect me to wait up until whatever time they get back so he can drop him off (there's always the option for him to go back to his house but this just means more time away from me and a faff getting him home for school early the next day). So more often than not I'm knackered the next day too. I have 2 little ones who get up early.

Ex isn't the most approachable and any attempt to communicate the concerns I have and inconvenience it causes me will probably not be received very well. Aibu to be getting pissed off with it? I wouldn't want to stop ds doing something he likes but I'm not sure it's in his best interests for it to be so often.

depends on the dynamic you have with your ex as to how to approach this - its not reasonable for him to expect you to bend your life around this shared hobby but it's great he has that with his son. As he is now 13, you would expect to see less of him anyway so personally, I'd be communicating with ex that you are happy for DS to keep attending (though not missing school) but that schedules need to be thought about and agreed so as not to impact on you - if they are getting back past 10.30pm or whatever, he needs to stay at his dad's and should have school stuff there ready.

You're going to have to say not on school nights during term time and the ex needs to back that up. I'm not one of those children MUST be in school, but this is no one off. As its become regular it needs to be around commitments and responsibilities. There are PLENTY of non school.nights in a year!

The issue is his school is just up the road from our house so he walks from home. Ex lives a half hour drive away so in one way it makes sense for him to be delivered back here so he gets longer in bed in the morning. All of his school stuff stays here as it seems silly to lug it all to ex's when he can just come here in the morning and get ready/grab his stuff then walk up.
I really do have to bend my life and my little ones lives around it. Being available for pick ups and drop offs (often slap bang in the middle of the day) means that we are hanging around. And to be honest I do miss my son. I know he's getting older and will be spending more time away from me naturally soon anyway. But he isn't spending this time with his friends, it's with his other parent.
I can't help but feel I get lumbered with all the weekday drudgery of homework and meals and washing while his dad gets all the leisure time.

He's not approachable but lay it out. It is great they have a 'thing' but you BOTH want the best from school for DS, so as it is becoming a regular thing (so great DS enjoys it - really focus on that you see it as good) that school nights have to be ruled out. Very easy to say it now as it's a way off with the holiday looming.

Why do you need to be in for 13 year old ro be collected? He can wait at home for his dad and lock up if you need to be out and about. Give him a job (vaccuuming/ u load dishwasher) to do as well while he waits

I'd make a rule of eg only two late nights a term, so they can pick which fixture/event they go to.

Could ex bring son back having eaten, got in pyjamas and teeth brushed so all he has to do is get into bed? Ie not wake you up

Now he's 13 I probably could do this yes. But the hobby has been going on for a few years and never felt comfortable leaving ds alone or expecting him/or my ex to lock up etc.

You've bent over backwards to accommodate him, and he keeps pushing the boundaries.
Keep a diary of how often this happens and the effect it has on you and your son, against the day he claims you are being unreasonable.

I would say he can do it when he wants, but the compromise has to be that he stays overnight with his dad and goes to school from there. I know it sounds a faff, but it’s a faff for you already having to wait up and you have little ones to think of too.
He can surely take his school stuff to his dad the day before and either make his own way or be dropped off at school in the morning?