I don’t want to be bestfriend’s rock anymore.

[Elephant007]

Have a situation going on at the moment and do not know how to go about it without losing friendship.

My closest friend, friend of 18 + years (we are both early 30’s met at school) leans on me for pretty much her only support. She is there for me, I am here for her. But she is always going through a hard time and the amount of brain space it is taking from me is making me ill.

To put it blunt she has gone through a hell of a lot, her dad is no longer here, NC with mum for the last few years. Multiple pregnancy losses and infertility. Cheating ex.

She now has a lovely fiancé and expecting DD.

The last year she has been suffocating, she needs me as I am her only support system but I have my own family and sometimes (most days) she’ll text and call me all day long!

I feel for her, I drop a lot for her and see her 2 nights a week but this is just too much for me. I have this guilt that if I don’t see her or answer her barrage of calls that she will become very very low.

This morning my head felt like it was going to explode, I’m trying to look after 2yo and she is calling and texting me ranting.

It is really hard as I care for her so much, she is like a cousin in a way as we grew up together. But I can’t be her emotional bin and I’m starting to feel resentful.

Maybe I am bu for feeling this way and happy to have honest opinions, but if you think I’m reasonable please help me!!

Sounds like a lot op, I don't blame you for feeling like you're going to explode. As mean as it sounds, maybe you should slowly fade her out.

If she calls, don't pick up everytime. Maybe reply back with a text "hey friend, sorry I missed your call. I'm a bit busy at the moment. I will call you back when I can. Got a lot going on!". She should understand that you have your own life

I can't think of anyway you can escape this situation with the friendship intact just know you've nothing to feel guilty about

Is she completely self absorbed ie do you ever get a chance to vent or discuss your own life? How is the relationship in general? Do you meet up and have a nice time or does it consist of her ranting at you?

If it's completely a one way street, then I would quietly distance myself from the relationship.

I had this with a friend who I genuinely cared very much about but she became too much.

I sent her a note saying I was taking some time out because I was overloaded and needed to empty my head for a while and so would be going off-radar for 3 months.

Then I stopped answering calls and texts.

Funnily enough, she decided to take offence and cut me dead.

I felt a bit sad about that but frankly it told me everything I needed to know and I really didn't have the emotional bandwidth to handle any more of her drama. I wish her well but I don't miss the neediness.

Tell her it's too much and you are struggling mentally yourself at the moment and can't be there for her all the time. I made myself ill with chronic fatigue syndrome (ME) trying to be the support person for my family when I couldn't handle it, and five years later I am still ill. Take care of yourself! Your priority is your child, and if you get sick it is your child that will be most affected.

Your friend either needs to get a therapist or her fiancé needs to support her more. You can't do it anymore. Honestly, she sounds like an energy vampire, if you aren't familiar with the concept, look it up.

Your communication does sound very intense. I think you need to be a bit blunt, don’t pick up the phone and don’t answer her texts while you are busy and then txt her: sorry couldn’t answer, just a lot with work/ child’s name / pets name/ extension/ DH’s name.
It’s easy to go into this pattern of she is moaning and you are listening but it’s on you as well to change things. Is she having her first child? She probably won’t have time to meet up twice in a week soon…

If it's just too much but you want to still be friends, could you be less available?
So start by seeing her a bit less often for example.
Don't immediately answer texts/calls for example

I mean you say you have this guilt that she will become low if you're not available but is that based on truth? Or just thinking that might happen?

What would happen if you turned your phone off and left it?

What's her fiance doing that you're her only support system?

It sounds like she needs to look into professional help if you're so worried about her getting low, her mental health isn't your responsibility. She's probably lovely and just developed a habit of leaning on you as you've been such a great friend. But do you ever share your problems with her? Is it a two way street where she's a good listener for you? Or does she only want it to be one way?

That's not healthy. Be less available. Mute her on WhatsApp, and then say [sorry was napping/toddler being a nightmare/was busy being an adult/whatever]. She will likely explode once you do this a few times and friendship will be over but at least you will have tried to instill boundaries and keep the friendship.

I have a friend who is just.so.negative. And now I'm heavily pregnant, I just can't deal with her and avoid her. When I told her I was pregnant, she got really sad and I spent 2 hours listening to her ranting about her useless boyfriend (they don't even live together so no fertility issues). I had a horrible prenatal appointment 2 weeks ago where I got some not great news and when I came out, she called me and wouldn't stop talking about work drama!! I have cancelled all meet ups since.

Some people don't realize friendships are a 2 way street.

Have you read about co-dependant friendships and the drama triangle?
It may help you evaluate your own role in this situation, and how to establish the changes you need.

Honestly this doesn’t sound like a healthy friendship it sounds like codependency. She has come to depend on you too much and it doesn’t sound like your needs are a consideration for her.

I think you need to try saying to her that you’re putting boundaries in place because she’s not being respectful at the moment and see how she reacts. Over time I suspect you are going to have to withdraw a bit. This isn’t fair or sustainable.

You are not her mother, partner, shrink or social worker and you have needs which are not being met. If she can’t see that you may be better withdrawing.

Two nights a week is a lot of time to devote to someone, I'd be knocking that on the head. Two nights a month would be OK.

I would be putting my phone in a drawer and replying once a day if that.

It’s not heathy for either of you to have that level of codependency and to frame it another way; you’re almost undoubted putting her before your toddler by pouring that much energy and time daily into her. Not to mention she’s using you all up so you’re not in your best state for your own family. Think about it that way. Who really needs you more. You can be there for someone without having to literally be there for them every second of the day.

This is why I am glad I have no friends. (Any longer.) I mean, I have acquaintances who I pop to the pub with once a month - or for a pub lunch. And I have work colleagues who I socialise with 5-6 times a year. And I socialise with DH and adult DC.

I had quite a number of friends up to my late 40s (mid 50s now,) and to be honest, whilst they were OK for several years, they turned out to be either demanding and whiny (like the OP's friend,) or flaky and unreliable, or a user, or a bit of a bitch, or just generally all-round useless.

So I just gave them all a wide berth, or ghosted them, OR we just drifted apart.

I am happy with my own company now, or with my adult DC, or with my DH. (Or, as I said, socialising with acquaintances and colleagues occasionally.) 'Friends' are just more trouble than they're worth IME.

If you are someone who has found one or more reliable, easy-going, and wonderful friends for life, you are incredibly fortunate.

@Elephant007 You know what to do. You need to ghost her. She will not get better. I had a 'friend' like this some 7-8 years ago. Nearly had a nervous breakdown because of her. Took me a year to shake her off. Last friend I ever had. If anyone ever tries to be pally with me now, or suggests a friendship in any way, I back away.

Be blunt with her. Tell her you feel overwhelmed and you can't be there that much. No way I'd be dedicating twice a week to someone. Does she ever ask if you're ok?

If you don't want to cut off all contact, perhaps just respond that you are working and you will respond/call her at a set time. When the call starts, make clear your window to speak to her (e.g. 30 minutes, an hour, until my dinner timer goes off at X time, until I have to pick DS up from Beavers - whatever) and keep to these boundaries.

If she struggles as a result of you imposing perfectly objectively reasonable boundaries, I would suggest that she speaks to her midwife about it, as she may benefit from additional support/services such as perinatal services.

You could put "mute for 8 hours" on her number on whatsapp etc in the morning, and deal with everything in one go at a set time in the evening. If she complains, if I AM AT WORK does not work, can say something like that your employer is monitoring the amount of work everyone is going and setting strict boundaries around phone use and only emergency calls are permitted when you're on the clock.

I suspect that you've set a precedent, and she is anxious and bored and lonely and she is contacting you for something to do/ to talk out loud all the things that are ruminating around in her head.

Both myself and my partner have friends like this in our lives which we've decided we don't want to completely separate from, but have backed off from and have set boundaries around contact and responding which are on our own terms, which has been a process. My one I called 2 weeks ago to tell her I was pregnant. She talked at me for over 2 hours about work drama until my dinner was literally on the table, which left me to interrupt and say "so actually the reason I called you was X, but I need to go now bye." My partner sets aside time to speak to his friend, and will occasionally drop in for coffee. On the phone, he sets aside time to speak to him, with coffee and snacks at hand, usually using wireless headphones so that he can multitask doing various chores at the same time as the calls last hours. I've been known to have to sneak in and supply him with sustenance whilst on these calls. This person used to call him when he was at work (other person doesn't work, seems to forget other people do) and was making it impossible to end the call with drama.

Ultimately, what our people and your person have in common is that they don't need a friend, what they all actually need is a therapist. They aren't doing much heavy lifting in terms of friendship, they are emotionally dumping all of their own stress and anxiety onto the other person, but don't reciprocate when that person has worries or stuff going on themselves that they'd like to talk about. Once you recognise that, it's easier to take a step back and leave space which I think it's important not to be obliged to fill, as if they cannot manage that space they need a professional not a friend.

All of this, yes.

You're not really 'friends', you're just weirdly enmeshed.

Have you even tried cutting back contact and being so available?

Seems harsh to cut her off if you haven't even tried dialling it down.

You can't control what she does but you can control how you respond.

Also, I think it might be an idea to have a think about how you respond to her when you do. Are
You telling her it's ok for her to dump on you? It's natural to respond to people who are upset sympathetically so you need to make sure you aren't sending mixed messages.

I have a cousin like this. I thought we were close, but it was only because I was her emotional support person. I'd always listen to her moan & hear all about her woes, until one day she finally asked me how I was. The first (and only) time I answered truthfully "you know what, I'm actually really struggling" she could not escape fast enough. That was when I realised it was a one way street. I stopped contacting her after that.

Lose your phone for a few days! See what happens. Tell her you enjoyed the peace

Thanks so much for sharing this! It speaks to me.

Just turn it back on her every times she speaks about her issues you go Into your issues

Thank you everyone. She is there for me too, but I don’t have as much drama going on in my life so when we meet it’s 90% her life 10% mine. She constantly tells me she appreciates me, bought me flowers and wine last week as a thanks for being there. But it is just too much.

I think I will tell her I’m taking time off my phone and will only see her once a week, which is still 4 times a month!

I just feel like when we meet up our convo is always despressing and I leave feeling like I need to cry.