to think this was performative aggression towards a child?

[NigellaAwesome]

I had a weird situation today, and I am not sure if I am overthinking it. I had to call to a client's house today where I needed to check some equipment, both upstairs & downstairs. It had been arranged in advance but not the specific time.

When I arrived, the father, who doesn't live there but co-parents with the resident mother was there. The mother was out at work. He explained that their 12 year old son was upstairs having a shower, was almost finished and he had told him to go into his bedroom once he had finished. I said that was no problem, I would start downstairs whilst he was finishing.

I spent about 10 minutes downstairs, the father chatting to me whilst I was doing my checks, and then said 'I wonder if X is finished in the bathroom'. He said that he thought he had heard him going into his bedroom and would check. So far, all pretty normal.

The father shouted up the stairs 'X, are you in your bedroom?' to which the boy replied he was just finishing in the bathroom. The father then really aggressively shouted at the top of his voice 'I told you to get into your bedroom, get into your bedroom right now!!!!!' The words written on a screen don't really adequately convey how angry and aggressive he was in his tone, and he was standing pretty close to me. I was really shocked and quite shaken by it, and I would definitely describe it as abusive. For the record, I didn't need the son to be out of the bathroom, I was checking a smoke alarm in the landing which only took 2 minutes.

Quite apart from the obvious abusive way he behaved towards his son, I got the feeling that he was enjoying his display of aggression right in front of me - that he couldn't behave like that to me, so he ensured he did it in front of me. I have met this man before, and although all interactions have been on a superficially pleasant level, I have always felt a very unpleasant vibe from him.

In terms of the son, would you report it? Who to? I think I would be overstepping to discuss it with the mother, but I really felt for the boy being roared at like that.

YABU - it's none of my business
YANBU - he was being performatively aggressive in front of you and / or you should say something to someone

I think he was displaying that you’d come at an inconvenient time & wanted to be sure that his son was in his bedroom rather than bumping into you on the landing in his towel. It’s part of parenting that shouting up the stairs is a frequent occurrence.

Whilst yelling isn't great, it's hardly abusive.

My parents were of the mind that you go into the room to speak to someone not yell from one room to another but as the four of us became teenagers they had to relax that rule!

I really wouldn't fuss over it.

I think he'd probably had enough of talking to you and wanted his son to hurry the fuck up so he could get on with whatever he was doing before you arrived!

I get that yelling upstairs is often part of normal parenting - I sometimes do it myself - but this was on entirely another level. I felt really sorry for the boy, it was completely over the top and uncalled for.

It costs you nothing to report it, just as a "this happened and I felt it was off/out of line/worrying, so I wanted to mention it", and then it's on record just in case.
You don't have a "big picture" so to speak, but it's better to have things noted than not.

I'd report it.

I'm finding this a bit bizarre.

You want to report a parent shouting at a12 year old to get on with doing something that it's quite possible he was being slow over (and the dad knows that). I have to tell one of my sons this several times a morning when he's being slow to get dressed for school. I also have to shout it to another room unless I want to go back and forth. In my case, it's definitely not abuse!

Honestly, I don't really see the issue!

If it felt so off you are worrying and the aggression level left you shaken, then it doesn't sound normal and I think it's worth flagging. It's hard to convey how menacing a tone or body language can be in a written account, but you were there and felt it.

Go with your gut. When it comes to the safety of children, it’s better to act. If you’re wrong, so be it. If you’re right, your report could be crucial.

If you know which school, you can report to the safeguarding lead. If you don’t know which school you can go via your council, if you google reporting safeguarding and the council that the address is in

eg this is for my county https://www.rutland.gov.uk/children-young-people-families/report-concern-about-child-or-young-person

I doubt anything you describe will be taken seriously- it’s hard to convey as shouting upstairs isn’t in itself abusive but if there’s any existing concerns about the child it adds up. Plus you don’t know why the parents aren’t together.

He might just be a complete dickhead around women.

I think I know the kind of behavior you're talking about. Emotionally immature parents do it to show off to other adults. If I'm right he probably thought this would show you he valued your time or something. Its all an OTT act. Its very weird but sadly common.

You can call SS and report it but ime they dont come out to deal with this kind of thing but they may log it depending on their system.