AIBU??? Mother in law acting strange with husband or?

[sal96]

Hi all, I need a little insight into what’s normal for the adult man/mother relationship.

I am the mother of a 1 year old boy and can’t imagine doing some of the things my MIL finds quite regular when my baby grows up. Now, granted, we are from two different cultures so maybe that’s the confusion?

My husband has a great relationship with his mum which I am very thankful for, I think good family ties are amazing especially when raising a child in said family. Never thought nothing weird about it, especially on my husbands side, he always prioritises our little family wherever he can.

We are currently visiting my in laws for the summer and my MIL has asked my husband for a massage which they proceeded to take part in right in front of me which I found quite uncomfortable if I’m honest. She also has other sons she could have asked, she had a sore back it was nothing inappropriate, but just uncomfortable. Anyway, days later we’re going shopping, I was desperate for some new clothes after pregnancy and still breastfeeding a year later my wardrobe has been a shambles. Anyway she wanted to come with us last min and jumped in the car. No problems, of course you can, let’s go. We get to the shop and she starts picking up and trying on items and then giving them to my husband to pay for with my items 😂. He’s happy to do it and we always buy gifts for his mum, both of us love to do it. But the timing was just abit off for me. Finally, we’ve been spending a lot of time with them but yday we spend all morning outside, she called him telling him she needed some food bits for lunch immediately and then proceeded to call him repeatedly asking how long he will be, she’s waiting and why is he not outside yet 😅 Are all of these things just coincidence or am I dealing with a MIL who’s not quite ready to let go of her son?

Then there’s the usual parenting advice that she likes to give me non stop and my husband thinks she’s being nice. In the nicest possible way, my husband and I live abroad far away from both of our families. I got my baby to a year old completely alone and he’s perfect and healthy, I don’t need anyone to judge my parenting (but I can overlook this of course since we’re only visiting).

I would NEVER ask DS to massage me.

Way too weird.

Well as usual your problem is with your DH's behaviour not your mum's. If he is happy to massage her, buy her clothes and help her cook then what's the problem?

I take it that you're not suggesting there's anything inappropriate in their relationship are you?

I think that, in years to come, you will be beyond grateful for living such a long way away from your in laws. Don’t make any plans to return.

It just sounds like a cultural difference to me, but I can understand your discomfort.

My MIL is similar with her relationship with DH. She lives with us though so that might make a difference

He massaged her back, bought her some gifts and cooked for her. Is that it?

Perfectly reasonable and normal and what the fuck are you on about?

Yeah to me that's weird but perhaps if you say his culture then towers can advise

This is perfectly normal in my culture and doesn’t mean anything sinister. It’s how families are. Especially when your grown child is abroad and comes to visit once a year (or less). She’s giving advice for your baby but it doesn’t mean you have to take it. Just nod and ignore, it’s not aimed at your parenting skills, it’s just what grandparents do to feel helpful/useful. As you are only there for a short while, let your in laws enjoy your presence, there really is nothing more to it than that.

In my culture a dad would always try to pay for his kids (regardless of how old they are) and a son would always try and pay for his mum. I get that may be strange to someone else but it’s not that unusual.

However giving your mum a back massage would be weird to us, that would be FIL’s job.

The unwanted advice, totally normal and probably universal across time and space. Just nod and ignore.

She probably just wants to be around her son, I know as her DIL you probably need a breather from them at times. But from her perspective her son lives far away, she’s probably trying to soak up as much time with him as possible. I would let it go and remember that one day your child may live far from you, how close would you want to keep them while they were there?

It's his own mum not OP's mum.

Thanks everyone. I think it is probably a cultural difference and the fact that his mum is a typical ‘boy mum’ since she has no daughters. We do live far away so I am just trying to enjoy our time here and not let it bother me.

@MasterBeth absolutely unnecessary to swear at me. I have already said I have 0 issue with my husband here, just wondering if this is common for adult men. I have no brothers, I don’t really know the mum/son dynamic since my son is only 1 year old.