To have given my sister an honest opinion on new relationship

[FredFredandFreddie]

My youngest sister is 17 (18 in August) She has recently been dating someone she met at her Saturday job, and introduced him this weekend. He seems nice enough but after talking for a while it turns out he is 23. I didn’t realise he was in a managerial position - thought he was just another weekend employee .

when DSis later asked me what I thought of him I said that he seemed nice but I wasn’t sure about the age gap. She is just leaving sixth form and he has already been to and finished uni. She is going to uni in September, has she considered what it will be like doing long distance etc (she had already said this is their intention). Honestly? I’m a bit worried that he is going to take advantage of her or get weirdly jealous of her going out at uni etc…

anyway DSis wasn’t happy with what I said and is now in a huff. She was going to stay with me for a few days but she’s now gone home - should I have shut my big mouth or am I right and it’s weird.

full transparency: DH and I also have a significant age gap but I was older when we met

I hate this sort of thing because why did she ask you if she only wanted you to reply with what she wanted to hear?! It's annoying. I'd just leave her with her huff YANBU. Also the relationship will soon fizzle out once she goes to uni anyway.

Never give a 17yo your true opinion, they really don’t want it. Make sure they are safe and stand by to pick up the pieces.

IME Gen Z are weirdly uptight about any age gap at that age - part of the backlash, or at least the appearance of backlash, against controlling males - so it's interesting that your sister isn't.

My own DD was very anti even a 3 year age gap when she was 16-ish, but has now relaxed a bit. At the time I felt it was more complex and that often boys are incredibly emotionally immature/stunted/shut down until mid-twenties, so an emotionally mature and confident young woman would be level (from that perspective) with a boy five or so years older. Or at least, that there were advantages and disadvantages, because trying to have a relationship with a young boy who doesn't even have words for his feelings can be as dispiriting /damaging as going out with a domineering slightly older one.

She asked, you answered. If she didn't want an honest answer, she shouldn't have asked her sister.

I was 18 when I started a relationship with a 24 year old. I was fresh from college doing an apprenticeship at a travel agents, he had a good job and owned his own home. I couldn't even legally drink alcohol on our first holiday to Mexico. We were married when o was 21 and have been married for 20 years this year.

The thing is, you don't know whether this will last or not and kindly, it's nothing to do with you and if all she asked you was what you thought of 'him' then it wasn't really your place to say anything other than he seemed nice - if he did indeed seem nice! She could stay single, do uni, get a great job and meet a total arsehole at 30 who uses and abuses her. If you're close, then your job is to be her support if it does all go tits up but, it might well not do!

Do you not remember what it was like being 17 and dating 17 year old boys who seemed a decade behind you in terms of mental sophistication? I had a brief fling with a 47 year old when I had just turned 18, because he was amusing to be around and knew what he was doing in bed. Plus I was an au pair and knew I'd never see him again after I went home to start university.

I think you overstepped, OP. 'What do you think?' at this very early stage means 'Tell me you think he's nice'.

If she doesn't want to know your opinion she shouldn't ask. I agree, it's a big age gap, 17 is young. If she was 22 the same age gap would be fine.

Yeah I don’t think it’s so much the years between them but the fact that they are at such different places in life? He has graduated university and been working for a year, she’s literally a sixth former. and the fact that he manages her at work. I dunno it just sits weird with me.

I do see how I have maybe overstepped but hoping she will see it’s only because I care about her. I’ll admit I do feel quite protective, I was there when she was born!

Think he is going to meet some of our other siblings at the weekend so that will be interesting