Toddler play etiquette

[Sunglow1921]

I attend a play cafe with my 2yo DD almost every week. It’s the sort of place where most parents (usually mums) come in groups and sit around chatting while the children play. I usually attend on my own with DD and let her play while I supervise from nearby.

On our most recent visit, my DD was sitting on the floor playing on her own when a little boy (maybe slightly older than her) came and snatched a toy from her then threw it on the floor. She looked at me and I just told her to pick the toy up again. Then he proceeded to stomp over her legs. My DD reacted by shouting no and his mom, who was sitting with a friend nearby, said ‘be gentle please’ and returned to her chat. It really irked me that she didn’t try to correct his behaviour or apologise.

However, I’m more annoyed with myself for not standing up for my DD. It’s not the first time another child has taken her toys and she always looks at me for support. I usually just say it’s ok and either give her the toy back if the child has dropped it or try to distract her with something else. I’m worried this teaches her that it’s fine for others to take her things and she shouldn’t do anything about it. Most parents don’t watch their children in this place and I don’t feel comfortable correcting another child’s behaviour. But I feel like me standing there doing nothing is sending the wrong message to DD. It’s even worse that almost every time it’s a boy upsetting her, and I don’t want her to think it’s ok for boys to treat her like that.

What should I do? Tell the other child to give her toy back? Continue to ignore it and distract her with something else? She’s my first and I don’t have any experience with children.

YABU - I should stand up for DD - but how?
YANBU - that’s how children play and I should leave them to it, she’ll eventually learn to stand up for herself

I have two children aged 2 & 3.

When something like this happens with one of my kids, I say to the other child, ‘can DD have the toy back please? Once she’s finished, she can give it to you’ or if I’m already flustered and the kid’s pissing me off I just say ‘good sharing please,’ take the toy from them gently and give it to DD.

A child stomping over your DD’s legs is not okay and in that situation, you most definitely ‘parent’ the other child. One time an older child hit my DS ( 2 year old who’s very passive), I said ‘no thank you, we don’t hit’ whilst his mum was God knows where. I do see other parents looking for the child’s parents when incidents like this happen.

Honestly, sometimes I just say to people ‘can you look at what your child’s doing’ in my typical, unsocial South London tone but I know not everyone feels comfortable doing that. You definitely do have to stand up for your DD even though it’s sometimes easier said than done

I would say directly to the child "Careful sweetie - you're standing on her legs and that hurts. She's playing with that toy. You can play with when she's finished".
"Be gentle" means nothing to a child if they haven't been taught what it means.

Ah it’s hard. I have two toddlers and no issues parenting other people’s kids if they won’t.
In this situation I’d have taken the toy back and said ‘DD is playing with this right now, but I’m sure you can have a turn when she’s finished’. With hurting her I would have said a firm ‘no we don’t hurt people here’ and moved her away.

With consistent bad behaviour I’d probably say to the mum ‘your little boy keeps hitting/stamping etc he might need a bit of redirection’. Assume they’re doing nothing because they haven’t seen not because they’re a dickhead (in practice it could be either!) toddlers have no impulse control and some hitting when they don’t get what they want is developmentally appropriate, but doesn’t mean you just leave them to it. They need close contact and redirecting.

You will get different answers here as there are always some parents who think you shouldn't dare correct their own kid's misbehaviour whereas I am in the it takes a village camp and will tell other kids off in an appropriate way or correct their poor manners.

I don't think it would hurt for you to be a little more proactive - a simple 'no, she doesn't like that - please don't snatch/stand on her' would be plenty, and then if it continues I would ask the parent to intervene.

I would always intervene in that type of situation if you don't parent your child then i'm gonna do it for you

I think you can intervene without overstepping; saying can she have that toy back please or please don’t step on her legs etc without telling them off. I’ve actually often found that it’s the slightly older children that are the worst with this but if you ask them to stop they will do it. When it’s children of a similar age I often try to pre empt if I’m close enough just by getting in the other child’s way when they try to take a toy.

She won't learn bad behaviour from other kids snatching once a week. They don't have the capacity to do anything else when they are tiny. The stamping on her leg I would correct though. A pointed no thank you, we don't stamp as it hurts in the direction of the mother should hopefully guilt her into stepping in. If not then at least the child has been corrected and yours is safe.

Why are people saying 'No thank you'. Thats a weird thing to say.

@Sunglow1921 I have no problem dealing with other peoples children if it's affecting the child I'm with or unsafe/unkind in general.

I'd just say something like 'No, don't stand on Katie's legs, that hurts'. 'Katie was playing with that, you can have a turn after'

its so variable on the child, their age/behaviour & the situation. If the child is younger I'll distract 'my' one and let 'the little one have it & we'll go & find it later' etc

if people don't like it, they're free to get in there first & deal with their own child.🤷🏻‍♀️. I'm older now (55) and haven't ever had any problems with people saying anything.

Mine are 3 and 5 we were at softplay once and all I heard was my eldest scream and then cry. A boy had pinched her and his dad was sat phone in his face to the point I think he thought he was sat at home so I told the child to keep his hands to himself. If my child is being hurt or another is being unsafe next to them I’ve got no problem telling another child to stop. Especially when their parents couldn’t give a flying fluff.

Yep once a child grabbed my child's hair and pulled it hard, in a soft play tunnel. The child was maybe 3 max and parents nowhere to be seen. I had to go into the tunnel myself (luckily I was just there) because he didn't let go when I told him to, and then had to physically release my child! It then happened again a few minutes later, at which point I tried to find the parent... Nowhere. She turned up about 5 minutes later and I had words. I don't give a toss what other parents think of me.

Definitely stand up for your child- no one else will. You don’t have to give them
a roasting but a calm direct approach letting them know that behaviour is not acceptable.

That’s not kind
Take it in turns
Snatching isn’t very nice
Please be careful
No! Please stop, you are hurting them
Please don’t throw things, someone might get hurt.

Say 'no' loudly and scarily to any kid that does something they shouldn't, I mean really loudly. Do that more than once if required. It will cause parents to look over and might hack some parents off but it works and their isn't much the other parents can say.

Definitely stand up for your child. I had an incident of a child repeatedly snatching at a stay and play and the Mpm was busy chatting away. In the end I went over to her and said that I was sorry to interrupt but her child was constantly snatching and pushing, would she deal with it or did she want me to as I can see she's busy.

She soon got up and dealt with it but made a point of saying to her child that I was an unkind and mean lady and that if he wanted to play with toys he can.

I have no idea what goes through some parents heads. I think they rely on the it takes a village in the wrong way because they seem to lose all parenting sense the minute they step into a stay and play or soft play etc and there are other adults around.

I say this in the gentlest possible way, but that is why at 2 we are usually on the floor with them - because our presence puts other children off snatching and its normally possible to intervene immediately by taking the toy straight back or put a firm hand on the toy before it is taken and saying something in a kind voice like "X isn't finished paying with that, honey, why don't you play with Y until its your turn?"

At this sort of age I would vary it depending on the situation but it’s perfectly developmentally normal for a 2-3 year old to snatch toys so telling someone else’s kid off for doing that doesn’t really work - I’d usually just try and get another toy for mine or in exceptional circumstances aim to get the toy back. This is not teaching them to be a pushover but showing them they don’t need to take every small upset to heart if there are loads of toys around, I am very, very far from being a pushover and my son will clearly be the same but you also need to learn to pick your battles in life (not being a pushover doesn’t mean you have to fight every fight). After all - it’s not her toy - it’s the toy in the play area. If my son was very focused on that one toy for some reason I may attempt a toy swap to get it back but that’s as far as I’d go. If a child is hurting my kid I will be clearer and intervene but again focused on physically separating them - not parenting the other child.