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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop my DC's dad seeing them every Saturday?

10 replies

SummerDays2020 · 09/07/2024 11:20

The situation is myself and my ex split up about 7 years ago. He lives with his mum and she won't let the DC go over there. Our DC are 17 and 12.

Ex picks up our 12yo 3 days a week. 2 days he just drops her home and one day he comes in and gets a takeaway for himself and the DC (sometimes I join in with this.)

He also has been seeing them on a Saturday. Sometimes he takes them out but often just hangs out at my house. As they have got older they do their own thing a lot on a Saturday so sometimes it ends up seeming pointless that he's here. And much as we are good friends I don't always want to be hanging out with him on a Saturday! (I do, do other things too!)

I'm thinking of suggesting he only comes over when him and the kids have planned to do something together.

Is that reasonable?

OP posts:
Twotimesrhymes · 09/07/2024 11:28

I think that’s totally reasonable. Why does his mother not let the kids go to their house ? Why hasn’t he got his own place (he has it too easy with living at home and getting takeaways at yours)

Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 09/07/2024 11:33

Twotimesrhymes · 09/07/2024 11:28

I think that’s totally reasonable. Why does his mother not let the kids go to their house ? Why hasn’t he got his own place (he has it too easy with living at home and getting takeaways at yours)

I have no idea why she doesn't let them over. She has always been quite distant but we used to go over sometimes. First the excuse was COVID then for the last year it's been a leak in the bathroom.

Ex has a serious mental illness and this is why he doesn't have his own place.

OP posts:
HolyMolyMan · 09/07/2024 13:02

You're not unreasonable to say that to him. You're being very reasonable as it is.

Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 09/07/2024 14:17

Ok, thanks, all.

OP posts:
ChristmasPostman · 09/07/2024 14:42

I think you’re incredibly reasonable! I’d hate an ex hanging around my house every week, you must be a very tolerant person. The kids are well old enough to understand that much as you want them to have a relationship with their father, the times when he’s just hanging about the house as they’ve made other plans are a bit of a strain on you. I’d call a family meeting, explain this to them and ask them to take on the liasing with him and only invite him round if they actually have the time free to spend with him. He’s their guest not yours, make them responsible for him!

Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 10/07/2024 22:15

ChristmasPostman · 09/07/2024 14:42

I think you’re incredibly reasonable! I’d hate an ex hanging around my house every week, you must be a very tolerant person. The kids are well old enough to understand that much as you want them to have a relationship with their father, the times when he’s just hanging about the house as they’ve made other plans are a bit of a strain on you. I’d call a family meeting, explain this to them and ask them to take on the liasing with him and only invite him round if they actually have the time free to spend with him. He’s their guest not yours, make them responsible for him!

That's a great idea, thank you!

OP posts:
Sunnydiary · 10/07/2024 22:18

Are you SURE his mother has said the DC aren’t welcome? It sounds like an excuse.

It is very unusual to operate like this, so I would tell him it’s no longer convenient for him to see the DC at your home, he can still see them but he needs to make other plans.

What if you had Tom Hardy round for a cuddle on the sofa?!

StSwithinsDay · 10/07/2024 22:28

He’s their guest not yours, make them responsible for him!

He's their father. Do not put this responsibility on a 12 year old - whatever about the 17 year old.

Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 10/07/2024 22:57

Sunnydiary · 10/07/2024 22:18

Are you SURE his mother has said the DC aren’t welcome? It sounds like an excuse.

It is very unusual to operate like this, so I would tell him it’s no longer convenient for him to see the DC at your home, he can still see them but he needs to make other plans.

What if you had Tom Hardy round for a cuddle on the sofa?!

Yes, I'm absolutely sure. She is a strange woman. It's not an excuse. He'd love to have them over. I personally think he should stand up to her, but that's another story.

I don't mind him coming over for the regular takeaway, to be honest.

Who's Tom Hardy? I have a boyfriend so won't be cuddling him!

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 10/07/2024 22:58

StSwithinsDay · 10/07/2024 22:28

He’s their guest not yours, make them responsible for him!

He's their father. Do not put this responsibility on a 12 year old - whatever about the 17 year old.

Well, yeah it would be more the 17yo but he can talk to his sister and make plans.

OP posts:
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