Second babies and naps - any advice for a worried second time mum?

[DaniK1989]

Hi all

I have a 3 week old and a 3 year old. My husband is going back to work next week and, like my first born, my baby is not a fan of sleep. He will fight his sleep and, even if I try and follow wake windows and start trying to get him to sleep when he ‘should’ be tired, it’s still a huge battle (pacing the floor rocking, white noise etc) and often he will wake up pretty much as soon as I put him down.

This is going to be much harder when I have both kids on my own and I’ve a feeling I’m just going to end up with a horrifically overtired screaming baby all day.

Not sure what I’m looking for here really other than maybe some reassurance and/or advice? I’m worried the lack of sleep will affect his development. With my first I could spend all the time rocking and contact napping etc and feel so guilty that I can’t do that now

I had a sling so carried baby round with me asleep because they wouldn’t stay asleep in the cot or Moses basket.

apparently the sound of your heart beat when they are close to your chest settles them when they are that small. Baby settled in cot around 16 weeks.

Try not to worry Op I’m sure your doing great with your second baby, congratulations btw x

Honestly my second baby became a ‘park anywhere’ baby. For survival. You have to put the baby down sometimes, as long as they are safe then it’s ok. She actually was much better at self settling than my first. My husband went on a 6 week business trip to Paris when my second was 2 weeks old. I survived. You will to!

sometimes one of them will be crying and sometimes both, but you can’t do everything so just focus on who has the most immediate need and stay as calm as you can. You’ll be doing a fab job even if someone is overtired or grumpy!

I had new born in a wrap sling then just got on with my day. Left me hands free to wrangle toddler. This seemed a popular approach with other parents at toddler groups.

Another vote for baby wearing here, I found that it was a game changer for the newborn stage every time.

It can be difficult with some babies. If the baby pram naps or naps in a sling then a potential strategy is to try and time their nap with taking the older child out for a walk somewhere.

Im in the thick of this now with a 3yr old and a 14week old. I am managing lots of contact naps with the little one - we have a box of books and toys for my eldest that come out at naptime, plus she got a yoto for her birthday so we sometimes listen to a story all cuddled up on the sofa whilst DD2 sleeps. Plus I found once we got into a routine from around 4 weeks that DD2 could sleep with a lot more noise than DD1. 3 weeks is still so early - be kind to yourself. Are you using your 30 funded hours for your 3yr old so you and baby get some time together during the day?

The best thing I did with my second is ignore wake windows.
Particularly at 3 weeks old it’s completely irrelevant! The baby will sleep whenever it wants for as long as it wants. Some will be long, some will be short.
In a couple of weeks be more mindful of how long the baby has been up for but they aren’t robots, they aren’t going to need to sleep at exactly 1hr45 because another baby is, or because they did yesterday.
Make use of a sling and once they start getting tired, make sure they are fed and pop them in the sling for a while while you play with toddler.

I found investing in a good carrier/sling a lifesaver with my second esp in the early months. At this stage personally I didn't worry too much about routine for naps and we went off and did what we needed to do and baby slept in the buggy/carrier as and when. My second was a v light sleeper and woke at the slightest noise but he adjusted so well so maybe your baby will get used to napping in different ways/places. We found white noise/owl etc very handy and both ours had a dummy. It won't affect baby's development if they struggle to nap sometimes. It's v early yet, things probably seem v overwhelming and rightly so but be kind to yourself and remember things will settle down. There'll always be good days and bad days. Expect a bit of chaos to begin with! My husband came home to a lot of chaos at first 😆 but we just accepted it. Our eldest was a little older than yours, it was school holidays on my own with both I was worried too! But so proud even lookig back now that I got on with it, yes the house was chaos but I kept the kid's fed, watered and managed to fit some half-term fun in too.

My second baby napped in the sling as a newborn, and then in the pushchair in the kitchen with white noise on when a bit older

By pushchair I mean lay down pram

You just can't do the wake windows/strict nap routine thing with a second. For me, it was a huge part of why I enjoyed my second so much more! I also used the sling a lot, but he napped on the go in lots of ways - car, pram, on me - and not to a routine at all. He also sometimes got overtired, and sometimes a bit grizzly with it - and, unlike first-born, I didn't always leap up at the first sign of discontent. It did him zero harm, I promise! Babies have not had nap routines for almost all of human history and still don't in most of the world, and they develop absolutely fine.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to a total stranger on the internet. Whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed I’ll re-read all of this advice!

I have an ergobaby embrace which I used for walks with my oldest (he didn’t like the pram carrycot, and neither does my youngest so far!) but i recall I had to support his head a lot with one hand when bending etc.

Can anybody recommend a sling please?

Baby no.2 is also not a fan of the car seat so we have to deal with a lot of screaming there too. Again logically I know I need to get from A to B for nursery pickup etc so just have to tolerate the screaming but boy it’s hard to stay calm when your baby is screaming so loud in the back that his voice starts to go hoarse 😫

First born is in nursery 9-3pm thankfully but school holidays are looming - thanks to PP who gave some reassurance on that front too - hoping I survive like you did!

I've never heard of "wake-windows", but you will find what works. I had 3 under 3 so there was always someone napping or crying in our house!

You can't set a timer on a newborn. They will sleep a lot in the early days. They will feed on demand. Just let it happen. Accept the chaos that is incoming and just go with it for now. In time things will settle a bit better. But all it takes is a sniffly nose or a tummy bug to knock whatever routine you've managed to get into out of synch.

These are long days but short years. You'll do just fine. Don't think that anyone is a "perfect parent". We're all just muddling through.

You'll survive! I remember not moving for hours from the sofa when feeding DC1, but answering the door whilst breastfeeding with DC2. DC3 only seemed to get attention once the other two had gone to bed and I felt I could never give my full attention to either DC1 or DC2 during the day. When DC3 was born, DC1 was 3.5 and DC2 was 2. I just told myself that as long as DC3 had been fed relatively recently and had a clean nappy, he had no need to cry and would soon fall asleep in the pram when I was only way to collect the oldest from nursery school. DC3 gave up on the afternoon nap before DC2! Any rules went out of the window, but we're all still here 23 years later and they've turned out fine.

Oh, and the Wilkinet baby sling, which I only discovered with DC3, was the best thing ever. I don't think you can get them any more though. Looks like a real faff to put on, but very easy once you know what you're doing and quickly interchangeable with other wearers.

Happy days - that's my main memory of that time. Cherish it!

I had 3, 3 and under. Sling for the second and third all the way!

With the 9 am nursery run, you may be able to time it so the baby naps in the car on the way there / back? Mine were generally ready for a nap after 1 hour of waking in the morning.

I found this tough with my 2nd, but I also found it weirdly easy to let him cry because I knew he was actually okay just upset with the situation. I also had a jokey rule of only one of us could cry (baby, toddler or me) which really helped me in the worst moments because when I figured if they were both crying I couldn't be too!

Try a sling, and remember sometimes they just have to wait or the toddler just has to wait. Deal with the easiest to solve problem first if possible and ask for help when you need x

With my dc2 I abandoned all apps and guidelines and stupid programmes of sleep suggestions. Took a sling and pram everywhere and he had to just roll with it.

The result was exactly the same sleep situation as DC1 (never slept, up all night, refused to nap) BUT I was less stressed about it all.

Pop your baby in a sling and get on with everything. Your baby can nap, look about, get reassurance that you are there.