Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Mum’s funeral

21 replies

Newmumin2024 · 09/07/2024 09:10

I don’t really know where to start.. I’ve been in a toxic, controlling and verbally abusive relationship for the last couple of years. The only good thing to come from it was my beautiful DD, particularly given that I had given up hope of ever having a child. Needless to say she was unplanned, but my DD is the best thing that ever happened to me. Her dad is a bully and a drunk. Of course, he isn’t always like this, he swings from lovely to awful, but the latter is what I more often deal with. Yet I stayed, blaming his work stress, other life stresses, and hoping he would change once other things settled. And also, we had a baby, and I was scared to be on my own and deal with what I felt was humiliation (people saying I told you so). My mum died last week and I’ve been busy arranging her funeral with a very young baby (whom I care for solely because, frankly, he’s useless, and drinks too much). DD’s dad has been his usual difficult, argumentative self, and last night he kicked off saying I was making my mum’s funeral about me, and called me a princess and a narcissist, when I asked why his 9 year old son was coming (not in an argument, I just didn’t understand why he’d remove him from school to attend the funeral of a woman he’d met maybe 3 times). DD’s dad said that his son (with whom he shares custody with his ex-wife) was coming to support him. Words failed me. We argued, he then refused to come to the funeral and then when I went to bed he started moving all of his and his son’s stuff out of my house, waking me up at 3.30am in the process as he was messing around with the Alexa’s and set it off in our bedroom. When I went downstairs to ask him to stop as he could wake the baby we argued again. Talk turned to child maintenance, and the upshot is I am snookered. I own my house (mortgage) and he was meant to pay the mortgage and bills when I went onto stat. Maternity pay. I’ve never asked him for any contributions to the house or baby due to the above and him having his own mortgage (he was going to rent his house out and live with us properly).
so.. I’m left with the baby, on maternity leave, wondering how I’m going to pay my mortgage and bills. I don’t have anyone I can borrow money from. I’ve been awake all night worrying about it. He’s just gone back to his own house. I’ve been so stupid.
He’s messed me around so many times, even days before the baby came, and I cannot do this anymore. Especially whilst looking after my DD and grieving for my mum.
was I unreasonable to question why his son would come to my mum’s funeral?
can you offer me any advice please re financials. Thanks in anticipation x

OP posts:

W0tnow · 09/07/2024 09:11

Sorry, I’ll start again. I didn’t read your last bit properly.

I’m sorry about your mum, but it sounds like you could be well rid of him. Sorry to be blunt, but is any inheritance coming your way?

Coffeerum · 09/07/2024 09:13

You’re missing the wood from the trees here OP.
The fact that his son was going to go with him to your mums funeral was a non issue and by no means one of the main problems in your life right now.

caringcarer · 09/07/2024 09:16

Get in a claim for CMS immediately. In the meanwhile can you use your credit card to withdraw cash for mortgage. You could after your Mum's funeral go to speak with mortgage lender and ask for interest only payments for 6 months. Then you could put DC in nursery and go back to work.

Original poster

Newmumin2024 · 09/07/2024 09:19

Thanks for your condolences, and in short, no, there’s no inheritance

OP posts:

TheSandgroper · 09/07/2024 09:26

If you are in a useful place, look at a lodger for a bit?

user1492757084 · 09/07/2024 09:28

Well, hope it all improves.
It was obvious that they were going to the funeral to support you, Op.
It wasn't weird. Given that they had both decided to attend then I think it was rude of you to not appreciate that.
His drinking is not ideal but if you are coping okay with that and want him back, it might happen.
It could be better to go it alone.

You might have to advertise for a lodger or a couple to share the house costs. Look at going back to work as early as you can.

Pootles34 · 09/07/2024 09:31

So sorry about your mum, OP. You've such a lot on your plate at the moment, but honestly it's good that he's taken himself out - it can be very difficult to get an abusive man to leave.

When you have a moment, look into what benefits you may be entitled to, and put in a claim with child support.

I agree with others that a lodger may be helpful here - would you have room for one?

YourSnugHazelTraybake · 09/07/2024 09:31

If you're on stat mat at the moment you might qualify for some universal credit. Get a claim put in asap. As a pp said also get a child maintenance claim in today. So sorry you're having to deal with this on top of losing your mum, however it sounds like you'll be better off without him in your life in the long run.

Pootles34 · 09/07/2024 09:32

Also - sorry, forgot to add before - I would also advise starting a new thread, specifically requesting help with the financial side of things. There are lots of women on here who've been in your shoes who will be able to help.

teksab · 09/07/2024 09:33

user1492757084 · 09/07/2024 09:28

You might have to advertise for a lodger or a couple to share the house costs. Look at going back to work as early as you can.

Are you for real? what a ridiculous response. Partner sounds like a complete arsehole at best.

OMGsamesame · 09/07/2024 09:35

You are well shot of him.

Look up the "entitled to" website and see what benefits you might be able to claim.

What was your plan for childcare after your mat leave ends? Is there any possibility of brining that forward and going back full time?

Original poster

Newmumin2024 · 09/07/2024 09:40

OMGsamesame · 09/07/2024 09:35

You are well shot of him.

Look up the "entitled to" website and see what benefits you might be able to claim.

What was your plan for childcare after your mat leave ends? Is there any possibility of brining that forward and going back full time?

Thanks so much for your advice.. plan was to return to work full time on compressed hours to save on childcare fees which we would split. He is refusing to pay half the nursery fees now too and said he’ll give me £200 a month or i could go to CMS.

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 09/07/2024 09:45

CMS as soon as possible and stay strong if he tries to worm his way back in.
Of course its ridiculous to take a 9 year old to the funeral of a woman he doesn't know to give support to a bloody grown up.
I am sorry about your Mum too x

OMGsamesame · 09/07/2024 09:45

Go to CMS straightaway. If it's an acrimonious split I wouldn't trust him to pay directly

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum.

Do you have people in real life who can listen and give you a hug?

TheShellBeach · 09/07/2024 09:48

I'm very sorry about your mum, OP.
You must be devastated.

This man is no loss, as I'm sure you know. It's much better for you and the baby not to have an aggressive drunk in the house all the time.

Him saying that his son would be coming to the funeral is just nonsense. I think the man was just trying to upset you even more.

And anyway, of course your mum's funeral is all about you. It's too mourn and grieve for her.

Do go on to "Entitled to" and see if you can get UC.

Sending you a handhold.

DampDust · 09/07/2024 09:53

Newmumin2024 · 09/07/2024 09:19

Thanks for your condolences, and in short, no, there’s no inheritance

Ask your bank for a mortgage holiday for 6 months. I did it online with Barclays, it was a godsend
So sorry about your mum😞 ...your partner is showing his true colours and you are well rid

SuffolkUnicorn · 09/07/2024 09:56

He’s a cunt

sorry about your mum

Nicebloomers · 09/07/2024 10:01

Sorry about your mum.

You are well shot of this awful bloke. Do not take him back. Please.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 09/07/2024 10:06

@Newmumin2024 sorry for your loss. change the locks first of all, find out how many payments have been missed. contact your employer and see if you can work from home for a while till you get things sorted out. contact your banks and make sure he cannot access any of your funds. if he hasnt taken alexa then bin it. dont put it past him to install eavesdropping programmes or things in your house. do not let him back in for anything. go to cms. did your mum own her home? do you have siblings?

Bohranbiddy · 09/07/2024 10:07

Sorry about your mum, you are well rid of him, you don't need the extra stress along with caring for a baby.

NinaGeiger · 09/07/2024 10:26

So sorry to hear about everything you're going through.
I had an abusive ex and he was horrible when my aunt died. I think in his case it brought up unresolved grief from his mum's death and he expressed that grief by being awful to me.

I also saw an interesting video made by a guy with narcissistic personality disorder who is in therapy and makes videos to try to help people and he said he recognised he was always awful to his partners etc on their birthdays because he couldn't bear not being through centre of attention. The behaviour of your partner about the funeral reminded me of that. Him calling you a narcissist? My ex used to call me things that actually were true about him - there's that saying, every accusation is a confession.

You should be getting unlimited support and even the right to be a bit unreasonable if you like - your mum has just died. Instead your partner sounds like he's being worse than ever. unacceptable and unforgivable.

You will get through this and when the dust settles and the finances are sorted you'll be so relieved to be out of it.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread