I’m basically being mean to an old man

[Poiboi]

My relationship with my dad is complex. I have never met a man with a shorter fuse. Growing up this was hell. The stress of my dad running his own business during childhood meant the stress levels in our house were often unpleasant to experience. This resulted in him hitting his kids - beyond what is acceptable. My dad also hit my mum twice that I am aware of. On more than one occasion I had to lie about bruises - even remember being told by my mum when I was very young to lie about a mark as I would be taken away.

Im conflicted because a lot of the stress was due to school fees. Clearly my dad wanted the best for me. Still no excuse to be abusive.

Equally when my dad was not stressed he was nice to be around. And worked hard to send us on day trips, buy toys etc.

Anyway, he has now mellowed considerably now that raising children and running businesses are far behind him. He is very gentle with my kids and lets them get away with murder. He is more relaxed but still capable of an outburst here and there. Just less intense.

The horrible bit. Every now and then my dad will stay with us for a few days. He will do something careless despite knowing better. And I will be unnecessarily harsh. Sometimes I know I am crossing the line but I’m almost wanting to punish him for being so monstrous to me as a child. I literally think “yeah not so nice getting a taste of your own medicine”. I feel like a psychopath. I’m not.

Please don’t suggest going nc. I love him and need to ensure his needs are met.

Just needed to confess anonymously.

Op, I can very much relate to the conflicted feelings. My dad was good to me and he didn't hit anyone but he was abusive to my mum in every other way and it caused a lot of unhappiness and stress in my childhood and later. He too mellowed down later and he obviously loves my kids to bits. Now he is severely disabled, has dementia and my mum cares for him and it drives me crazy when I still see him yelling and controlling her in whatever way he can. I've had some very, very nasty outbursts at him and I too feel terribly guilty for being nasty to an old man, that I love, thst is severely disabled and has dementia. He cant comprehend anymore what I'm saying. It's too late. But the resentfulness of the unfairness of what he has done hasn't gone away. It is separate to his current misfortune.

It would be good to get counselling I suppose but also forgive yourself for having a go at him. It sounds like he was horrendous when you were a child and caused you and your loved ones a lot of damage. That doesn't just get undone by being old now. Lots of hugs.

Totally understand. However, for your own sake, catch yourself before you treat him as he did you. Once he's gone, you will feel horribly guilty (because you are a nice person) and that won't be easy to live with. You also don't want your children to see you treating him badly - they won't understand.

I think he’s lucky you see him or let him see his grandkids at all, I wouldn’t.

I assume when you say you’re mean to him you mean you just shout at him, you don’t hit him, if so he’s getting off lightly. I’m not advocating you should hit him but you reap what you sow, if you’re shitty to your kids they might not be nice to you later on.

Why is he even in your house? It's not normal to track mud through someone's house or leave a door open allowing their pet to escape, no.

You really need a therapist to help to process the abuse and start to escape the FOG (Fear, obligation and guilt).

I agree with @Tinkerbot The examples you gave sound deliberate. Did you make him clean up the mud and find the cat?

Therapy.

Thanks all. I spent most of my 20s getting counselling but I guess it’s an ongoing process.

For what it’s worth I don’t think he is doing the annoying stuff in purpose. He’s just old and forgetful.

I know I have made him cry. And like I said it
makes me feel terrible. But at the same time I think “yeah well at least you’re a grown man, I cried myself to sleep many a time as a young girl”.

Psychopathically I only behave like this when we are alone together

I’m sorry this is happening to you it must be very scary but please try to get out of the guilt spiral which only feeds this more instead take control back because after everything you’ve been through you don’t deserve this now.
from the sounds of it he is not going anywhere and probably doesn’t even realise so that only leaves you working on yourself.
I know it’s unfair. I feel for you and I wish it was different for you!

You feel terrible because this isn’t you in your natural state it is you reacting from a trauma state.
he triggers the child you were, this child part feels unsafe but also angry but it’s the other part that takes over the saviour part that was created so you could survive then it held the pain so you could live as an adult.
it lives close to the surface as a shield, it can and does jumps in like it always has to stand in front but it doesn’t understand you are in the position of power and safety now but because you are it reads the situation as become aggressive, I’m not too small to win now.

the thing about this happening when you both are alone probably stems again from childhood you were conditioned (probably to the point where it’s not even a conscious thing) to not react in public, to appear “normal” and that the truth was only to be seen in private so you are reenacting it again in adulthood but only when your trauma is triggered (by him) so
the public you takes over if there is someone to witness it because that was a “golden rule” plus you were taught that you were probably “safe” if someone else was around.

the saviour part reacts in private to protect the child but it reacts with a force that is unnecessary because it refuses to let child go through that again… ever. It saved you already and doesn’t understand why you are back there. It will be outraged and angry that this person’s is back.
even though you aren’t back there but the trauma parts don’t recognise that.

what this long post boils down to is you are reacting. You are not psychopathic
you are not consciously saying oh nobody’s around im going to scare that old man because I enjoy it.
you react then once emotional normality resumes you feel bad.

im very sure the counselling has been of help but you are in a situation now that you likely didn’t cover, emotionally speaking.
i think it would be worth it to even have a short course again to explore this maybe with someone who has experience in trauma.

in the meantime time I think trying to consciously work on taking a minute before any reaction, a deep breath and deliberately not reacting to give your body and brain a few seconds for the trauma to subside enough for you to be in control again.
similar to what we do so we don't lose it and scream at a toddler or a dog if that matters sense.

This is what I meant, but this poster put it better.

I’ve let go of all the negative memories of my DM and only remember the best of her. The trouble is, I can’t forget the times I wasn’t as kind as I could have been in her last years.

Have you ever talked to him about how things were?

You know you shouldn’t treat him like that. So don’t.

either stop it and go cold turkey or seek some help.

it will eat you up.

That's interesting, that's something my dad did which really triggered me. Possibly because our house growing up was also "shoes off", and even now my parents are very strict about it. So....him doing that all over my cream rug looked like a deliberate sign of disrespect, especially when combined with a pattern of similar things that also didn't look much on their own.

Sometimes a rug isn't just a rug.