Teenagers, rules and different opinions

[Cocomelon112233]

I’ll try and keep this brief.

DP and I have been together for nearly 8 years with a toddler together and I have two teenagers from previous marriage which he dotes on.

Since they became teenagers it feels as if we are in a constant battle of opinions regarding rules and strictness. I have been going through some mental health problems the last few years following sudden passing of very close family members so have probably been more easy going than I would like to admit.

In my opinion, teenagers push boundaries to the beyond. For example, they tend to ask the same thing over and over again to try and get a different answer to the first one, they argue and answer back, it is a fighting battle to attempt to get them to do anything which they haven’t chosen to do (tidy room etc). I feel like this is literally part of the package for having teenagers and they will grow out of it. I feel you need to be able to explain things to teenagers with negotiations within reason and the expectation that they will push their luck.

My partner feels that any of the above behaviour is unacceptable, no means no and you should never attempt to put across a negotiation or reasoning to why you should be allowed to do X, Y or Z. Answering back which turns into an argument of him telling them they’re answering back and then saying no I’m not… He feels as if they have no respect for him and he is always the bad guy having to ‘defend’ me. I’ve suggested if he doesn’t always want to be the bad guy to allow me to finish the conversations instead of butting in and trying to ‘defend’ me? He also thinks I am worried that if I am too strict on them, I am scared they will move to their father who they have no contact with as DD did this about 2 years ago now returning 11 months later.

Who is being unreasonable?
I haven’t explained this well, my head is all over the place so I do apologise.

Not sure AIBU is the best place to ask, as there are a lot of nuances. Negotiating the teenage years (well, in truth, all stages of parenting) can be difficult if you have different levels of tolerance or different parenting styles. When there is a 'step' relationship in the mix it adds another layer, particularly when the dc have a relationship with the NRP.

Personally, I lean towards your style, but that isn't really relevant as I am not in the household. What you need to do is talk about it with him, out of the earshot of the dc. Of courser they will go to any other adult if they think they can get the answer they want. You all have to support one another.

Another thing that often helps is to give the teens some autonomy. You still hold the important decisions of course, but if there is an option for them to be able to make a choice from two things, or to feel they have some say in things that affect them, it really helps.

Maybe a bit of both. My teens are respectful, they don't go on and on trying to get different answers, they generally don't answer back and on the odd occasion they do they kinda know straight away they shouldn't have and will own it. We just all get along here and respect one another, I sometimes wonder if mine are not like others though when I read posts on here. But even IRL the teens I know are like mine and enjoy family life.