Partner abroad but I'm getting no peace

[Kevinisnotacatname]

My long term partner is abroad to see family for a few weeks. I love him very much but I was definitely looking forward to some time alone and peace and quiet. I've always been very happy in my own company whilst he's much more sociable and always wants to do stuff together.

Anyway since he's been gone he's messaging me from when he wakes up till I go to bed. I swear it's rare a couple of hours goes past without a message. He's also calling me 2/3 times a day and it's exhausting! I had over 40 messages yesterday.

He's just phoned me this afternoon and ended the phone conversation with "I'll call you later" It took a huge effort not to reply "please don't"

I just want to enjoy my own company, watching films that I like and read books in peace!

Am I being an absolute bitch? He's such a nice man and is lovely to me and I get he wants to share things with me and is excited. Is there anything I can say that won't hurt his feelings? I can feel myself wanting to snap at him. He's definitely a nicer person than I am!

Btw it's not that he's checking up on me or anything, he's not like that at all - it's all trivia nonsense about what he's doing/seeing

One wannabe partner did this to me when travelling through Europe, sending a message every hour and entering every city.
I ghosted him then. 😂
20+ years ago.

My exH was like this. Drove me nuts. We had massive arguments about it because he would call me and prevent me from doing work while he talked about what he ate that morning.

My parents are the same. My dad will literally spend HOURS on the phone with his brothers talking about the most inane shit. They will even sit there in silence for a few minutes while they move on to another topic.

I live abroad and calls with my parents are a minimum of 45 minutes. They'll talk about politics, weather, what they ate, how they cooked it. They absolutely do not understand why anyone would not care. If I let my mum call me 3 times a day, she absolutely would.

Sorry, no solutions, just sympathy.

@RedHelenB you would think so, but it really doesn't work with some people! My exH would get really upset when I did this. They take it as a rejection.

He's probably had a sneaky look at the relationship board, and he's worried that if he doesn't call you every 30 mins while he's away, he'll be accused of alsorts. Just tell him I'm glad you're having a good time but please dont call me later. I'm having some peace & quiet and I'll call you in a couple if days.

Isn't this why social media was invented? So you can post things to people and they can control how much of you they see? Seems like weird behaviour.

Hows your relationship generally? Is it a good, open and honest one?

It's kinda sweet!

My DH is the opposite - I take the kids to my parents for a week in the summer and he never messages or calls!

You don't have to look at your phone or have the volume on. Just turn the volume off and watch a film. I often leave mine in another room.

Surely, as you claim you have a good relationship overall, this is one wher eyou can just say something - so he sends a stream of chit chat and pictures. you reply with suitably gushing responses then say something like, "right, i'm going offline now - I'm working my way through the entire Bridgerton season 3 while you're away! I'll talk to you tomorrow" or similar?

When Dh or I are away, we do tend to have a lot of cht via whatsapp, but of course, it tends to be as we're both around. Sometimes we're both there actively chatting at which point possibly we'll convert to a phone call. The rest of the time he sends something but I'm working. I see it a bit later, respond while he's at lunch. He then replies later when I'm on school run. I reply while I'm waiting for take out... etc etc.

Edited to add: I think this is the point. When we're away, we don't do a lot of actual phone calls. If one of us was away for a few weeks (did happen pre kids) we might have a call every few days at best. There's jus tno need for actual talking - enjoy your time away and catch up when you're back.

Bloody hell. I'm sorry but my first thought would be he's checking up on you. Test it out. Go a few hours without answering the phone including messages. See if it ramps up or he gets the hint that shock horror you are actually busy doing something.

It's selfish and controlling tbh. I'd stop making excuses for it and put some boundaries in place so you can enjoy the peace as you intended.

He might not be checking up on you and you seem very relaxed about this, but is he like this all the time? Do you receive endless text messages when you're at work/out with friends/exercising? Do you feel you have to watch tv with him every night, spend all your free time with him etc? Because it sounds like that isn't your preference and yet it might be what happens when he's around. Which is not healthy.

So while it might not be controlling in the sort of manipulative, jealous sense. it does seem to be controlling in that he thinks your time is completely for him to use as he feels like it.

What happens if you don't answer? Or you do answer but say, "right, I'm just off to the shops/about to make dinner/watch TV/meet up with Jane" - again, the implication is he will be hurt and upset and you will feel guilty. That is not normal. And it's definitely not healthy that you can't express your own needs even in a situation like this where they are very minor and he's not even with you.

I know a woman whose "final straw" moment was actually along these lines. She had time off. They spent some of that time as a family. They spent some of that time together while their DC were at school. On the last day, he went into work and she was dropping the DC at school and then had a pamper day planned. She had mentiond how much she was looking forward to a quiet day at home alone. She'd just sat down on the couch with her home pedicure kit and a coffee and he came through the door with some excuse about why he wasn't at work (which she didn't believe). Then he sulked for the next two days because she was upset at having her day off ruined. Took a few more months but she told me that was the moment she just realised she couldnt' continue living like this.

Just be honest and tell him you are planning on enjoying quiet time and you'll be putting your phone on do no disturb for periods of time and you'll reply when quiet time is over.

Tell him you’re going out or have a headache so going to bed, and switch your phone off

Just tell him that you prefer to speak and have proper once a day while he is away then don't acknowlege texts during day. If he asks if you are ok, just reply 'fine, look forward to speaking at [agreed time]. When you speak you can comment on the photos. Then mute the convo if necessary!

My DH does this because he's excited/bored and wants to share the trip with me. I let it go the first day because he's travelled and is probably feeling lonely and tired, but then you have to start letting time pass before you reply. Don't say anything about it, don't make a big thing of it. Just stop rewarding the constant messages with an instant reply. The dopamine circle of him doing it is then broken. At the moment he's pressing a button and getting a reward.

Hope that doesn't sound harsh, but I'm an introvert and I LOVE the prospect of a few hours'/days uninterrupted thought! And it does them good to know you have your own life to get on with.

You can switch your phone off.
You can leave it to answerphone.
You can not look at texts or social media messages.
You can look maybe once or twice a day and give one reply.
You can be in the shower, in the loo, at the cinema, at the theatre, making an omelette, down the garden, at work, speaking on the landline, listening to something on your ear pods - and not have to answer everything.

Honestly this is exactly it. I know half of the people on this thread are desperate for him to be controlling and abusive but he really really isn't. He's basically just an excitable kid at heart. Our relationship is very good he doesn't check up on me all the time or anything like that even remotely. If I told him it's too much he would instantly stop and be very apologetic but his feelings would be hurt. I know he genuinely wants to share things with me but I just want to enjoy the peace and quiet.

I'm going to do exactly as you describe above, I've been doing that already today to be honest and I do feel it's a bit better