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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men on dating apps saying they want to move abroad

17 replies

Blablablahh · 07/07/2024 22:34

I'm 33 and single, currently buying my first home and looking to settle here.
Talking to a man in his late 30s who says he wants to live abroad a bit more and doesn't want to stay here (Liverpool) long term.
Has written on his profile that he wants a long term relationship.
AIBU to think there's no point of bothering with someone who wants to get out of the country/doesn't see his future here?

I learned the hard way a few years back when I dated a guy from OLD who went traveling 'for a few months ' met his future fiancé in his first week there who he's still with 5 years later.

I just don't know if I can be bothered tbh. Is it too much to ask to want someone who wants to put their roots down here?

OP posts:
Original poster
Blablablahh · 07/07/2024 22:36

I've heard a few like this tbh. And I just kinda think well why are you on this app then?

OP posts:
Original poster
Blablablahh · 07/07/2024 22:38

He's nearly 40 as well, I'd understand more if he were 21 or something.

OP posts:
Gooselady · 07/07/2024 22:41

I think it's fine if he's hoping to meet someone that also wants to travel.

RaininSummer · 07/07/2024 22:42

No point unless you also want to move abroad is there?

Original poster
Blablablahh · 07/07/2024 22:43

I mean yeah, travel ok, but not move abroad in the near future, I've got my job and my life here, I did that 10 years ago and it's not in my plans anymore so thinking I should just unmatch?

OP posts:
Original poster
Blablablahh · 07/07/2024 22:43

I mean I'm about to buy a flat, I wasn't really planning to move abroad again anytime soon. This guy has previously lived abroad and I keep seeing these men in their 30s who just don't want to settle.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 07/07/2024 22:46

I think sometimes people say that as an easy 'out' in case it doesn't work out. It's difficult to tell those ones from the ones who are really planning to move though.

If you like him, I'd just ask outright what he's looking for.

JustTalkToThem · 07/07/2024 22:47

It’s ok that you’re not interested but there’s nothing wrong with him looking and being clear about what he wants. Some women might want a LDR or be open to traveling with someone

Original poster
Blablablahh · 07/07/2024 22:48

That's a fair point. I think I'm just frustrated, it seems very hard to find men who want commitment sadly.

OP posts:
paidbythejob · 07/07/2024 22:54

It's a compatibility issue, and yanbu to unmatch. There's a chance he'll find someone locally who wants the same things he wants and will go with him, but if he's planning to travel extensively or relocate in the near future, it must be unlikely he'll find someone that quickly. The relationship would also need to progress significantly before he's planning to leave the area, if he's looking for a long-term partner.

LudoCallTheRocks · 07/07/2024 23:21

Well I’m a woman in my late 30’s and I’d happily live abroad again so if I was single and looking, this wouldn’t put me off in the slightest; in fact it would make someone more appealing!

He’s not right for you so unmatch but there’s nothing wrong with men and women in their 30’s not wanting to “settle” in one place. There’s no rule saying you have to get everything out of your system in your 20s and must put roots down by the time you turn 40, it’s just horses for courses. You get one life and everyone has a right to make the most of it.

Ratisshortforratthew · 07/07/2024 23:39

LudoCallTheRocks · 07/07/2024 23:21

Well I’m a woman in my late 30’s and I’d happily live abroad again so if I was single and looking, this wouldn’t put me off in the slightest; in fact it would make someone more appealing!

He’s not right for you so unmatch but there’s nothing wrong with men and women in their 30’s not wanting to “settle” in one place. There’s no rule saying you have to get everything out of your system in your 20s and must put roots down by the time you turn 40, it’s just horses for courses. You get one life and everyone has a right to make the most of it.

Edited

Agree with this. I own a flat and want commitment but I also want to live abroad - I have a partner now but when we met I said I wanted to move overseas in the next few years and was he up for that, he was, and we did. Fine if that’s not for you but it doesn’t make him wrong or a commitment phobe

Original poster
Blablablahh · 08/07/2024 13:51

I've just replied to him being quite clear in the fact that I'm intending to settle here for several years at least, he can do what he likes with that information.

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 08/07/2024 13:58

There will be two types. The ones who would like a partner who wants to travel with them, the ones just using long term to string along for sex and then go but I always told you I was leaving bye 👋

Original poster
Blablablahh · 08/07/2024 14:27

OhmygodDont · 08/07/2024 13:58

There will be two types. The ones who would like a partner who wants to travel with them, the ones just using long term to string along for sex and then go but I always told you I was leaving bye 👋

The second thing is what the guy 5 years ago did to me. Then he told me 'we'd always agreed this would be open ' erm, no we didn't.

OP posts:
KreedKafer · 08/07/2024 15:01

He wants a long-term relationship, but obviously he's looking for someone who would be open to potentially living abroad or travelling with him one day. I don't see the problem with that? He's being open about his aspirations/plans, that's all.

He's on the app to find like-minded people. You are not a like-minded person, so don't date him.

Letsgodancing · 08/07/2024 15:25

People also say that to try and make themselves sound more interesting because their reality is a bit dull but they couldn't even point to the place they supposedly want to move to on a map 😂Don't advertise your buying your own place either as you will have 3 dates with someone and he will be wanting to move in as he's had to move into his mother's temporarily since the breakup with his ex!
But it is hard online dating, there are a few gems out there but alot of BS along the way too.

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