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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

At my wits end with parents alcoholism

15 replies

fookoffbing · 07/07/2024 21:22

I've posted so many times about my mums drinking and always had good advice - although it usually ends up being distance yourself/cut contact. I can't cut contact but I have distanced myself and I feel shit about it.

I'm so sick of it. Every outing, meal, event we go to has to include booze. More often than not she'll turn up half cut and continue to drink. She doesn't understand how obvious it is to others and how bizarre her behaviour becomes. She gurns, talks rubbish, becomes overly emotional and repeats herself. It sets me on edge so badly because I'm constantly worrying about what others think. The worst one recently was a work event for me which she came to (it was a family fun day type of event) and proceeded to talk shit to my colleagues after being at the bar.

Christmas is also another awful time as she will arrive drunk, then drink more. It ruins the day for me. She has a good relationship with my older children because her drinking wasn't so bad when they were little and she was quite involved with them but my youngest doesn't have much to do with her and it's so sad for all involved.

The catalyst for this was my dad's sudden death 5 years ago. Although she's always been a heavy drinker anyway. But this was when it became much more often and her personality changed with it. On the rare occasions she is sober she is incredibly anxious and snappy so I don't doubt she uses alcohol as a coping mechanism but when I've tried to discuss it with her she just isn't open to getting any sort of help or changing things at all.

So I guess my question isn't what can I do because I know I can't do anything. But how do I reconcile this with myself? That she'd rather choose booze over her family? That she willingly makes a spectacle of herself in front of people?

OP posts:
combinationpadlock · 07/07/2024 21:24

She is ill, and you can't do anything about it until she admits it, if she ever does, so just leave her to it and steer clear, for the sake of yourself and your family.

fookoffbing · 07/07/2024 21:31

It hurts me to do that. It makes me feel such guilt. When my dad died we would involve her in family holidays and all sorts. But the way things have got, I can't do it anymore and in that respect I have set boundaries and distanced myself.

However the thought of not inviting her at Christmas or telling her 'no you can't come' when she specifically asks to do something is very hard.

OP posts:
FknOmniShambles · 07/07/2024 21:36

I'm so sorry. So much of your post resonates with me as I grew up with an alcoholic mother too. She's massively cut back but when she does drink now I'm completely on edge and full of rage when she starts slurring shit. I don't know what the answer is but needed to send hugs x

Wolfiefan · 07/07/2024 21:41

Al anon may help you. Ultimately you can’t change her behaviour. You can only control your own. If she upsets you then surely the only option is to cut contact or severely limit it. You set the boundaries. And keep to them.

keffie12 · 07/07/2024 21:46

@fookoffbing It's probably been suggested before. However, I'm saying it again.

Contact Al anon and get to some meetings. They are available face to face or online Zoom.

You need to look after your mental health and talk with like-minded people. The link is below

al-anonuk.org.uk/

fookoffbing · 07/07/2024 21:47

I've looked into al anon but there are no in person meetings near where I live and I don't think I'd be comfortable attending one anyway. However I'd definitely be interested in online forums or support but I can't find anything like that. I miss my dad terribly but it's as though I've lost two parents now.

OP posts:
DeerOhDear · 07/07/2024 21:48

Op I've not seen your other posts. Silly questions perhaps but have you said this to her, mum you gurn, become overly emotional etc and I'm finding it incredibly hard to be around you like this?

fookoffbing · 07/07/2024 21:54

DeerOhDear · 07/07/2024 21:48

Op I've not seen your other posts. Silly questions perhaps but have you said this to her, mum you gurn, become overly emotional etc and I'm finding it incredibly hard to be around you like this?

I've never been that direct. I don't know why. I struggle to deal with it really badly. There have been one or two occasions where she's turned up to something already staggering and I've told her to go home which she has, without argument. But it's never spoken of again. I can only describe it as an intense awkward feeling of not being able to address it when it's happening.

I once rang her at about 10 in the morning and it was obvious she was drunk. I did call her out that time and said it was ridiculous, not normal and she needs help. I asked how she'd feel if I were drinking before 10 in the morning. But nothing changes. And it's even harder to address in the social situations when other people are around because I feel like I need to almost cover up for her.

OP posts:
Dunnoburt · 07/07/2024 22:00

There's a fantastic app called "I am Sober", worth checking out OP XX

Sapphire387 · 07/07/2024 22:14

This all sounds very painful. I don't know why people choose alcohol over their families either.

You can only control your own behaviour. You know the flash points.

I know you feel guilty but really, she is causing this situation with her poor choices.

So I guess you either confront her and ultimatum her - she gets help for her problem or you won't see her. Or... you just keep the status quo and keep distant.

Her drinking is not your responsibility.

keffie12 · 07/07/2024 22:16

@fookoffbing this link will take you to the page of all the various types of meetings.

Online meetings select button is the third option

al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/

Universalsnail · 07/07/2024 22:19

I wouldn't tell or invite her to events where you feel she would embarrass you being drunk. I would no longer invite her for Christmas. I would be honest with her about why.

Then if you want a relationship with her I would see her at her house only. Again I would tell her why.

If she isn't even at the accepting she's an alcoholic stage then she's not choosing drink over you. She's suffering and unfortunately damaging you all in the process.

You can't make her stop. All you can do is protect yourself with distance and be absolutely clear and direct with her as to why you are doing this. Tell her she is a drunk and you can not have the drinking around you on anything but your terms.

She needs to accept she's an alcoholic and want to get help herself unfortunately

Universalsnail · 07/07/2024 22:20

fookoffbing · 07/07/2024 21:31

It hurts me to do that. It makes me feel such guilt. When my dad died we would involve her in family holidays and all sorts. But the way things have got, I can't do it anymore and in that respect I have set boundaries and distanced myself.

However the thought of not inviting her at Christmas or telling her 'no you can't come' when she specifically asks to do something is very hard.

It is hard and she will get upset.

But you putting your foot down like that might help her because she may start to realise that alcohol is ruining her life.

DeerOhDear · 08/07/2024 07:20

@fookoffbing I've got quite a lot of experience here and I know how awkward it is.

However you seem to love your mum still and you don't want to be stop seeing her as much.

In which case whatever it takes I would try and say something not necessarily address's her drinking per se but what you wrote about how it makes you feel and what actions you may take., eg you gurn, become overly emotional, stagger, we all know your drunk...

Offer support, don't judge but say you can't put children thru it if she won't try and get help

DeerOhDear · 08/07/2024 07:22
  • ie she knows she's got a problem but what she may not realise is how obvious it is and the physical things she does. I think those details may hit home
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