To feel conflicted about my dad's new girlfriend

[CallyT]

Want to preface by saying I want the best for my dad and his happiness but can't help how I feel.

My parents have had a very unconventional relationship. They divorced when I was a kid but then periodically got back together over the years.

They both had partners in the past but have now been been single for a long time. They have become each others companions and honestly all the times they've gone on holiday I've wondered if they were romantically involved. Their business, never pried.

With all grandparents now dead and me as an only child, the three of us have been close knit at Christmas and events for years.

My dad announced he has a new girlfriend and my mum seemed very hurt though she said nothing. It looks like she is now going to be dropped as companion. I want to be happy for him but I am worried about what will happen with my parents and about being left with no family unit at all.

On the side I've been with my partner for a year and he must think my family are nuts

I suppose I thought with the way things were going and always holidaying together etc they might end up together. I feel a bit shocked and upset by the change.

Yeah I'm not suprised you feel all at sea about this. Your parents have lived a very confusing existence. Divorced but essentially together. Seems like when it suited your dad he was happy to spend time with your mum but now someone new has come along, she's been dropped.
I'd focus on your own relationship, support your mum and leave your dad to it. You're an adult, I'd try not to be too involved in their lives.

Thanks @theonlygirl I agree they have and never gave much thought to how it affected me

My mum even joked quite recently that they 'practically still feel married' which speaks volumes I think. If he does drop her completely I can't avoid the fact it will affect how I feel about him.

My mum was there for him, nursed him back to health etc when he nearly died a few years ago. I am thinking about telling him I am happy for him but hope he will maintain a friendship with my mum?

Any other advice?

Sounds tough OP.

Like PP said, focusing on your own relationship and being there for your mum is probably the best course of action.

Your dad will make his own bed.

They both sound spectacularly selfish and self absorbed.
You sound great.
Think about some counselling and do not allow your mother to emotionally dump upon you.
Tell her find a therapist.

Your dad may want to remain friendly with your mum, but his new GF may struggle with it and feel insecure.

Just be there for your mum. It was very kind that she nursed your dad back to health.

I disagree with a pp who said your parents are selfish and self absorbed. That's quite harsh.

Agree with a previous poster think your comment is quite harsh

It sounds like they do love each other but fall at the next hurdle. I personally would stay out of it. Just encourage her to find someone amazing who thinks she is too. Not nice for her to be dragged along or down.

Difficult situation for you OP and I can see why you're hurt. It is understandable that you assumed they were 'together' in some way, with holidaying, Christmas's together etc. However, it could be that it was companionship ( very important) and your dad wanted more ??? I am only speculating and can totally appreciate why your mum may feel hurt. It seems that they have been able to maintain a relationship/friendship of some sort and I really hope that can continue.
Please take care and enjoy your relationship/ Your mum will be fine, step by step

Totally agree with this

I know people are saying this is harsh but I have felt this way multiple times.

There would never be a conversation when they were 'back together', I'd just find out with hand holding or a kiss!

And I do think therapy might be a good idea.

@Despair1 going on some comments he's made I think he wanted more and she didn't. The consequence of that is that he still wants more with someone which leaves her alone.

Growing up my grandparents were a core part of the family. The thought of losing the small family unit I have left is really upsetting.

Even though I realize change happens and me and my partner may start our own family soon enough. It's hard.

@SandyY2K I think if the woman stopped my dad seeing my mum as a friend altogether that would be a huge problem for me. I understand stepping back a bit though.

I assume he will want me to meet her sooner or later and have some kind of relationship with her.

It sounds like they can't live with each other and can't live without each other ! Maybe your mum will meet someone new now , but if it doesn't work out for your dad he shouldn't revert back to your mum , not fair on her . Must be confusing all round .

Yeah my mum always says they love each other but can't live together @mycatsanutter

To be honest it also bothered me that he announced news of the new girlfriend to both of us. I felt he should've told her directly and she was clearly upset.

I agree if it doesn't work out with this woman he needn't think that's how it will work.

It sounds tough on you all.

They seem like good friends, but not good partners. This was enough for your Mum. But it's an odd 'non-relationship but sort-of-relationship' for your Dad. He is allowed to want a normal, full relationship (including sex, potential to live together/marry, romance, feeling secure, a healthy version of love) they can't make work. At the moment he was in limbo, neither one thing or another.

Please try not to judge him or his new partner if things are scaled down with your Mum. If it were anyone else, you'd be able to see how odd it's all been. Hopefully they'll stay friends but he doesn't owe your Mum a lifetime of joint holidays and close friendship. Would you be okay if your husband spent that sort of time with his ex? The on/off thing must have been very confusing for you though.

Your Mum needs a build a life independent of him.

It must be hard to have to face that they are not going to both change by magic and be together properly again. They've tried for long enough and it's not right for either of them.

If they're both 85 years old, then maybe a 'companionship' relationship would have been enough for them. But I take it they're not.

It's time for you all to move on. They will both still be your family.

I am not the least surprised you feel this way, nor surprised that posters would defend such confusion for a child to be raised in.
MN is full of posters whom have been the collateral damage of such self absorbed parents.
You have been reared in the shadow of a fluid relationship between your parents.
Of course that must have felt both confusing, exhausting and annoying at times.

I really do think that some counselling would be great for you and your mother.
To help you with your boundaries going forward.
It is deeply unhealthy for children to be overly involved and knowledgeable about their parents marriage which it sounds like you are.
You have been burdened too much.

It sounds like you never had a chance to be an innocent child oblivious to your parents lives. This is what children really want, not to be burdened by adult relationships.

Again, you sound like a great young woman, but you must prioritise your relationship with your partner and your plans for your future.
Time to let your parents crack on with their lives.
Wishing you well.

I agree if it doesn't work out with this woman he needn't think that's how it will work.

This may be exactly how it works, if your mom is waiting for him to 'come back' or invites him back if his relationship ends.

At some point you may have a chat with her as to how this pseudo relationship benefits her, as it seems she's getting what she wants from it too, until it's derailed.

I'm sorry you're caught up in the middle of their foolishness. It is so unsettling.

Thanks everyone.

I am struggling with it. The youngest part of my childhood was quite normal in that having divorced parents was the norm. It wasn't until 14/15 that they started this pseudo relationship and constantly getting back together thing.

@Redflagsabounded I know he deserves a normal relationship with all that entails. But emotionally I know it means more or less the family unit I've known. That is a big deal.

My mum had even told him she was thinking about moving closer to him and in doing this he is making his feelings clear about that. I feel anxious about the future. But I also know I have to pretend to be happy with this to my dad's face when overall I'm not.

But I also know I have to pretend to be happy with this to my dad's face when overall I'm not.

I don't think you need to pretend to be happy. It would be fine to let him and your mum know that this breaking up and sort of getting back together over the years, has been both confusing and difficult for you.

You're not saying he can't or shouldn't have the relationship he wants, but they should both be aware how it's affected you over the years. They were probably not aware of it, but as you're grown up now, you should be able to communicate to them.

Absolutely this.
Be honest.
Yes it is their lives and choices, but these choices have had consequences for you in confusion, when you were a very tender age.

Leave them to it. Focus solely on yourself and taking care of yourself.

I think your mum needs a partner.

I also feel that your dad has been taking advantage of this situation. I do wonder how his new partner will feel when she realised the history.

Didn't mean to post

Thanks everyone for the advice, I know it has been a few weeks since.

So I spoke to my dad about it today. He said clearly he will no longer go on trips with my mum and he isn't sure what the relationship will be like because 'I'll need to put new gf first'. He said it will depend on her comfort levels with them meeting.

At the same time he's talking about me meeting her after just 3 months. I've said that if she essentially doesn't want him to see my mum at all (as in at my birthdays as an example) that will affect me having a relationship with this gf.

I also just feel a bit concerned because my dad is an atheist but since dating this woman (Catholic) he's talking about weird miracles that have been happening to him lately. I find it concerning, like he's changing to suit this woman despite beliefs he's always had.

Overall I've had a good cry over this today because even though my parents divorced years ago I've never felt the divorce more than I do now that it feels they are properly breaking up. I feel so upset. I want my dad to be happy but it's a big change.