Friend flaked on a big birthday

[Mumclub]

I have a friend who had a baby 2 months before me, mine is now 9mo so hers is 11mo. I had a big birthday last month with plans arranged a few months in advance. The activity started at around 6pm and takes around 2 hours (there were plans to go out after but more casual and nothing specifically arranged). 5 days before the date I text her to check they was coming - her and her dh. She asked some questions about the night and then said she needed to check on childcare. Then a few hours later she text again to say that her baby still only sleeps in bed with her so she’s worried about leaving him.

The day of my birthday all my friends are chatting about the event in our group chat and she puts in ‘everyone have a good night’. It’s at only this point I’m aware she isn’t coming. I’m annoyed about how she hasn’t text me privately to let me know. Also a few months before we all went out for her birthday which I made the effort for and I feel she’s treating me badly.

Am I being unreasonable to not continue my friendship with her?

Why don’t you talk to her about it?

I think it’s fair to miffed at the lack of communication but to ‘not continue the friendship’ would be incredibly dramatic and disproportionate.

He first messages make it look quite clear to me that she doesn't intend to come. She doesn't have to. She is obviously happier not to. She hasn't done anything wrong. If you drop her friendship over this, then you are over reacting, and she is probably better off without you

So who slept with her baby on her birthday night out?

Ah, that's low. She really should have spoken to you privately. Also, if she went out for her birthday, you would think she was OK with evenings out.

I would ask her 'What happened - how come you didn't come out?' or similar in a private message and let her explain.

Personally I wouldn't drop a friendship for being let down once, but my friendships are all established ones of 5 years upwards (many 20y plus!) so I would expect to talk and gain a better understanding of her situation.

+1 to this

Sometimes people can’t manage to come to our birthday celebrations. Is it friendship ending?

It would have been kind of her to have sent you a message to clarify she definitely wasn’t coming - however she may have felt you were going to pressure her to still come if she did that. Young parenthood is a difficult time when babies are not yet settled and YABU to think of ending the friendship over this - but it’s fair to feel a little disappointed with the lack of upfront communication.

Then a few hours later she text again to say that her baby still only sleeps in bed with her so she’s worried about leaving him. I would have taken this to mean she's not coming or if not clear asked her there and then. Not everyone finds motherhood as easy as others so I'd cut her some slack. It sounds to me like it was obvious she wasn't going to come so I would have given her an "easy out" at that stage.

This is a good point. Her lack of outright stating she wouldn't be there could have been to prevent the hassle and pressure such a decline can sometimes get.

I dropped a friend for not coming to my 30th. She just didn't show up, reply to my texts etc....I knew she was hungover but it was just a low key Sunday afternoon/evening in a pub. She didn't come to the big party the night before either. It was so lame as we were quite close but she just couldn't be arsed. If she had told me I would have been miffed but essentially fine, but she just ghosted me that afternoon. So that finished there and then.

Grow a backbone and say if you are not going to do something, for whatever reason. So, YANBU.

She should have let you know and been honest. Her reasoning though is absolutely fine , hard getting babysitters etc maybe should could have done without DH? Even so I think it’s hard getting childcare

No... she said she's worried about leaving him... if you're not going you need to type the words 'I'm not coming'

Completely agree. I read she was worried about leaving her baby as not coming.

Honestly, some people are so self involved. It's my birthday and therefore I don't give a damn about your baby and your wishes. I want you to celebrate my life and if you don't I'll cut you out.

Honestly, your friend is better off without you because you definitely aren't a friend.

Things can change so much with babies from month to month that she may have assumed she'd be fine to go when it was initially arranged.

Friendships often need to change and be more flexible post kids.

It’s frustrating and disappointing for you that she didn’t feel she could contact you directly and have a conversation about her not coming. I’d be most upset by that.

Personally I wouldn’t end the friendship over this tho, the first year of motherhood is tough to navigate and she probably initially thought it would be fine. Two hours isn’t very long to be away from her baby tho, I wonder if there is more to it?

Don't bother to text her or discuss your birthday with her. You won't get any meaningful answers.

But take a step back, see how things go in the future and how she steps up for future events and generally how she approaches your friendship. Wait and see if she does any running. If she doesn't, then gently fade her away......

Well what was your response to her message about being worried to leave the baby? That was your opportunity to talk to her/reassure her etc. If you didn’t respond then maybe she didn’t feel supported by you as a friend & fellow mother & then didn’t bother to discuss it further.

She told you she wasn't coming because the baby sleeps with her. So YABU to act shocked. However, a shit flaky reason and totally understandable to not be friends with someone who makes the effort for themselves but not for you.