To want my parents to help themselves a bit

[Roeland]

I love my (early 70s) parents dearly. They do lots for us, we do lots for them. I spend a lot of time with them (including lots of travel) so they can see their grandchildren who they adore

We help them financially, and we help on health issues etc. But I am infuriated this week as my dad has his third UTI in a year - all caused because he fails to drink enough.

I nag, I plead, I remind - they are perfectly fine cognitively - and they just laugh at being nagged. But when they are unwell I need to step in and help and I think they fail to see the impact on me

They are the same with exercise - I really want them to stay well but they fail to keep up with a simple short walk a few times a week which I know will keep them less frail in old age

I do recognise you can't help those who don't want to help themselves - but what if anything can I do to help them take these simple steps themselves (and help themselves and in turn help me!). Or do I give up? Any experience welcomed!

When they are poorly you really need to step back imo. They are able to not help themselves because you step in, so stop stepping in and just advise “ you won’t get sick if you drink more water” then leave it. My parents became very dependent on me for a while and they stopped doing things for themselves as they knew I would do it - I realised I wasn’t helping them and stepped back. They are getting on better now

Thanks, that's helpful. I think I know deep down I need to do that!

OP I think you need to split out the two things. If they choose not to go for a walk, that's up to them. It doesn't have any immediate effect on you and may not have any, just that if you end up caring for them in their real old age it might be a year earlier.

But the not drinking enough does affect you. He knows what he should do but doesn't and even seems to think it's quite funny. You need to find a reason - the gerbil's poorly, the house collapsed in the night - why you can't help them as much as you have in the past. Make him take responsibility for himself rather than passing it all on to you.

when they are unwell I need to step in and help

No you don’t! They are not your children and as you say they are cognitively perfectly ok. I know you’re doing it out of love but if you don’t step back you’ll get more and more pulled in, and end up driving yourself round the bend.

You are their child. They do not wish the roles to be reversed.

Its very difficult.

I nag, I plead, I remind - they are perfectly fine cognitively - and they just laugh at being nagged. But when they are unwell I need to step in and help and I think they fail to see the impact on me

I would lay it out to them clearly but kindly. Look, I care about you and when you dont drink enough you become unwell and I am unable to constantly pick up the pieces. This isnt funny to me, it makes me feel very worried and upset when it happens.

Say it once to them clearly. If they ignore it then you are going to have to not help out. I know it will be hard but they dont have dementia, they are grown adults perfectly capable of looking after themselves. The only way they will learn this is if they have to sort themselves out so step back knowing you are actually helping them remain independent- this will be GOOD for them to sort themselves out because it fosters independence and that is what keeps us going in old age. Enabling them to behave like children is not actually helping them in the long run- they will end up losing their skills quicker and faster.

Unfortunately OP, you stepping back when your dad is unwell is highly unlikely to make him drink more going forward. Because if the unpleasantness of a UTI isn't enough, the extra stress (for your mum) of you not helping won't do the trick. For some reason your dad won't make the link or refuses to accept it. Like smokers with coughs and overweight people with dodgy joints, if medical advice doesn't change them, you won't. Tbh all I think will happen is you'll end up feeling bad for letting them struggle or they'll become fearful of you and lie about their drinks and excercise. If you step back do it because you think it's right for you, but don't hold out hopes it will be an incentive for change.

Oh, and for what it's worth he's probably drinking too little to avoid the urgent and multiple toilet trips that men of his age often need. Might be worth him having a word with his GP if so.

I agree. Has he had his prostate checked?

If he's refusing to drink more then I doubt he'll be keen to go to the GP either tbh. He seems quite stubborn, clearly.

I think you have to step back for your own sake, you have a life too and it's not fair to expect you to be constantly going round there. I dont agree that stepping back never works, sometimes it does work, it did for my dad.

My DF has a large jug of water he fills at the start of each day and aims to finish it by the endbof the day. Maybe something visible and practical could help yours?

I agree you need to step back. The nagging doesn't work, so it's pointless. They have the capacity to make their own decisions and if those own decisions cause negative consequences, so be it.

If your dad gets ill, he is perfectly capable of making a phone call and getting the treatment he needs. Why do you feel the need to step in?

In years to come they are likely to deteriorate and become unable to care for themselves, at which point you will need to have more input. You don't need to now.

Are the UTI's definitely due to not drinking enough?

I'm on my 4th UTI this year, been a sufferer for 30+ years, drink plenty of water throughout tge day and recently was finally referred for an ultrasound scan which showed up problems that the Dr is pretty sure is the cause.

A GP will not talk about a patient.

Unless the person is deemed not to have capacity and you are the POA

Thanks everyone. I tried the visual clue water bottle idea! So hard to know. Appreciate advice

Can I just say ( kindly) OP and with the benefit of 20 plus years of trying, if they are of sound mind, they will do as they please.

Any chance dad is struggling with urinary incontinence and trouble getting to the toilet. Aunt avoided drinking as she struggled to get to upstairs toilet

or the patient has given permission, which my parents have done.

And I've never managed to get on board with the water bottle trend. I have a drink when I fancy one, mostly coffee, and have had just 1 UTI ever, years ago. It really isn't possible to say his infections are due to not drinking enough. He could just be unlucky. My parents are in their late 80s and I wouldn't dream of trying to manage their health because they'd hate it. Sorry but you have to let adults be adults.