Can't help this friend any longer, not sure what else to do

[Putridwasp]

A friend who's on and off with her fiancé every month.
That's fine, but he's been violent towards her more than once now and is also incredibly verbally abusive and threatening.
He's told her he wishes he could smash her head in.
I've advised her several times to change the locks, go to the police, report him, speak to women's refuge, whatever it takes.
Once again he's come back and apologised and they've 'sorted it out' until next time.
I don't see any positives in their relationship as it is, there seems to be so much conflict.

I was in an abusive relationship myself 10 years ago and I know it's not always easy to leave. People will say 'just keep being there for her'. But I could tell her 1000 times to leave and go to the police, they'll still end up back together.

I understand it's not easy, but at this point there's nothing whatsoever I can say or do. I just don't know what to do anymore. She messages about him all the time, she knows very well what I think of him.

I meant women's aid*

Sadly it sounds like there is nothing you can do perhaps you stepping back and saying there is nothing else you can do for her might give her the push she needs to finally get rid of him. You need to prioritise yourself and it’s very draining when someone is leaning on you constantly to moan about their situation and for advice you know they won’t take.

Yes you're right. I have told her very clearly that he is abusing her and that what he's doing it is a crime, I'm not just going to sprout flowery language and pleasantries.
It sounds terrible, but at this point she can do what she likes.

I'd find this tiresome and I know it's unfair and victim shaming. I've seen enough abuse myself that I'd struggle watching this.

All you can do is what you've already done. This is abuse dear friend and leave them to it.

My sister was the same, constantly texting phoning etc at all hours. Getting folk running around for her to do absolutely nothing. In the end I found it that draining I stopped replying and just said that she can come back when she is ready to leave him. I stopped answering the phone, you need boundaries

Keep being there, but in the background. As in that she knows you will support her when the time comes of her leaving him (hopefully).

But I think you might need to tell her that you are stepping back as you cannot keep repeating the same advice every single time it happens. Maybe when she messages to say he did XYZ, say I'm sorry to hear that. Or something along the lines that is not asking questions or leading to a conversation.

You do have to think of yourself too. She is draining you. And it's her choice to keep going back. Before anyone jumps on this, I have been there too, so it's not like I don't know abuse. But it took me time to leave. And I lost a fair few friends along the way. I know why though. Many have come back around and we speak openly about how that was quite a factor in me making the decision to leave.

Just be clear, tell her it's upsetting you that the situation isn't changing, especially given your own history.
That you are there for her but she needs to make her own exit plan from this relationship. And it might take her several attempts to leave. This doesn't mean you are always there to pick up the phone but point out women's aid etc are there to help.

Very similar with my friend. No violence but he has isolated her from all her family and friends and lies to her constantly. It's constant calls and texts and I've had to tell her there's just nothing more I can say that I haven't said over and over. I've had to tell her I can't talk about it anymore, she knows what I think and she knows what she needs to do. What I don't want is to spend hours on end commiserating with her while she does absolutely nothing about it. I've had to constantly reinforce boundaries because every time I say I can't listen to it anymore, she gradually starts to offload again until we are back to square one and I'm having to say I can't do this on the phone anymore, rinse and repeat.

You can't help her, she has to help herself. I would let her know I'll be there for her if and when she decides to leave, until then I would take a big step back.

I'd tell her you find it triggering and you can't listen anymore. That you can't keep listening to the same complaints over and over again and it's getting depressing. Tell her you can't be her constant sounding board about this and she either needs to leave him or stop talking about it.

I would also be wary of telling her to leave him. My sister never stopped complaining about her now ex-husband. She never had a good word to say about him In the final few years and she was constantly talking about leaving him. And that she didn't want to go on dates with him anymore and that she didn't see them together in the future. She accused him of emotional abuse and it was torture living with him.

We just said bloody leave him then. In the end she turned on us - including parents when it did all end in tears and she said I didn't want to be single , I hate this, I can't be on my own, you should have told me to end it. She blamed us for encouraging her to leave even though he left her.

Seriously just tell her you can't be her constant sounding board and she'll have to talk to someone else.

if you have been in an abusive relationship yourself you know full well that there is nothing you can do until she wants to do something.

all you can do is 'be there' each and everytime. no judgement, no threats of not being her friend if she doesn't leave him.. just be ready with open arms if and when the penny finally drops and she decides enough is enough.

if you have witnessed the abuse and violence them you can report it yourself and if the police deem it appropriate then they can take things further without her consent anyway.

Can you instigate a Clare's law investigation? If there's proof he's acted this way previously she may be more inclined to realise this is who he is.