How do you know your child is not That child?

[PumpkinSly]

We had my daughter's birthday party recently, and invited some of her friends over for her party. Just an average party with a bouncy castle and some party games. One of the kids in particular was a little bugger. She was gobby, and rude, and obnoxious. I know this child quite well and she is a bit of a live wire but nothing outside of the realms of a normal 5/6 year old girl. But at my daughter's party she was off the scale with how rude she was. Shoving the adults, shouting rude names at us, complaining about everything etc. I've never seen that behaviour from her before but she's always been with her parents. We've had her over, and been to their house. When her dad arrived to collect her, her behaviour turned in an instant, and she became quiet, sweet, and lovely. I didn't say anything to the dad, she didn't ruin the party or anything, she said thank you for having me and left. The change in her behaviour was funny, and I laughed about it with dh later. So it made me wonder, how do you know that your child isn't That child at other kids parties? Or maybe I'm asking, how do I know my child isn't that child when she's not with me? I didn't say anything to the dad, so her parents might not be aware. Would other parents tell me if my dd behaved in a similar way when away from her parents? Probably not.

This is completely a light-hearted question. The child I'm talking about isn't neuro diverse. I know the parents well and both are lovely people.

Presumably they'd never get more than one invite to the same place/friend.
And one of the visited parents would say something at some point.

But I find it hard to believe that a 5yo could have such a complete split personality. The parents must have an inkling?

That would make me wonder what was going on at home. She's acting something out that she can't express at home.

Where I live parents talk in code at collection time.
"Doesn't he have a lot of energy?"
"Isn't she chatty?"
"She really know what she wants doesn't she?"
"He didn't want to join in the games but instead did XYZ"

But generally you know if your child is a problem if they don't get invited back again.

We have 2 boys with ADHD who have a few boisterous friends. Their parents apologise in advance but it doesn't bother us and we know how to deal with them (very clear rules, and we're not afraid to tell any child off or sit them out of a game if they're dangerous). We've invited the friends many times.

However one little girl did not get invited back after a party where we had to body double her the entire time as she was going through our cupboards and drawers and just generally being a rude, disobedient pain. We told her aunt who collected her that she didnt want to join in the games and just wanted to explore the flat. Her aunt looked embarrassed so I suspect her behaviour is well known.

Or maybe I'm asking, how do I know my child isn't that child when she's not with me?

Op you really did make me lol. You're really not asking about your own child... 🤣🤣🤣🤣 The answer to your question is in your own post.

I'm sure the parents do have an inkling. She can be a bit of live wire. We knew that about her before the party. But do they know how rude she gets when they aren't around? We've never seen that behaviour from her before, but she's always been with her mum and/or dad. I wouldn't want my children behaving that way to adults. Or treating their friends like this child did. But if you're not there to see it, and no one tells you how do you know?

I don't think there is anything going on at home. I guess you never really know but it would surprise me. I think it was more that because the parents weren't there the child saw it as an opportunity to behave however she liked because she thought no one would tell her otherwise. And she really went for it 😂

I know this child does get invited to parties. Maybe it's just us she's like this with 😂

Yes, the code thing. I'm not very good at this. Is there a written copy someone could share for me to reference next time?

I think it was possibly that she was overwhelmed/overstimulated by the party situation rather than had deliberately plotted to be rude in the absence of her parents.

I think you'll know if your child is like that if the invitations to parties/playdates start drying up.

How did you respond to her behaviour?
I would have no problem telling a child to behave if they were in my house and under my care (certainly if it were impacting other children under my care).
If she knows you fairly well, and is a bit of a 'live wire', she probably felt that she could push the boundaries anyway.

My general assumption is that if my DDs tell me about the poor behaviour of other children, they probably have been behaving themselves. I'm confident with DD1 that works, less certain with DD2.

I told her in the same way I would tell my own children. Complain that the food is rubbish and you hate it all, well it looks like you'll have to eat when you get home. Complain that you don't like the flavour of sweet you won, well you get what you're given. Shove and hit me and it's a straight forward no, that's not ok. Rude name calling and you're told that's rude and to pack it in.

I think you might be right about pushing the boundary because she knows us.

But if you yourself would like to know if your child is that child, then why did you not tell the dad what her behaviour was like? You say you wouldn’t want your children to behave like that.

You didn’t do anyone any favours here op. Not the child, not the parents, not your children who had to put up with it and not even yourself. A bit of a coward I’d say.

My sister always punched me and called me names when mum wasn't looking. She also told on me for everything little thing I did. So I was THAT child in my mums eyes and my sister was a little shit without her realising.

I think I'd actually tell them. Drop them a message and say it wasn't a huge deal and didn't spoil the party and you didn't want to embarrass the girl by saying anything infront of anyone else. But you thought they'd want to know that she called you x to your face and pushed you.

Because those things are not OK. I've had kids at parties who don't want to join in, want to go into rooms that you've told them they're not allowed in, sneak upstairs when you've asked them not to, take more than their share of food leaving less for others, and I think that's in the realms of normal kid party behaviour. Name calling and pushing adults is definitely not and I think most parents would really want to know

I'm horribly afraid most children are That Child at one time or another. Especially at parties where they get hopped up on skittles, too big for their boots and run a bit wild.

I would definitely tell her parents. I've worked as a children's nanny for over 30 years and find my employers always want honesty when it comes to their kids behaviour.

Maybe you're right and I should mention it to the parents. I didn't at the time because I didn't want to make a big deal of it as the kid was being picked up. I dealt with the behaviour presented during the party and we all moved on. I was glad she was leaving and that the party was nearly over to be honest. Her behaviour didn't ruin the party, my DD had a lovely time, which was the point of the afternoon, and you expect a certain amount of shitty behaviour at a party. Too much sugar, too much excitement, kids away from their parents etc. It was the instant change in her behaviour that was funny to me. If her dad had turned up and she had given out to him in the same way she had during the party well then he would have seen it for himself. But her change in demeanour was startling and kind of funny.

If her behaviour had been completely uncontrollable, or she was leaving a trail of destruction through the house, I would have contacted the parents during the party to come and collect her. It was just funny that the behaviour she presented to us was completely different to how she acted when her dad arrived to pick her up.

I have always told the parents. Once, I had to stop a child climbing out of the window of a village hall and he was outraged. Of course I told the Mum.

Once I did a massive favour for another Mum and picked up her son at short notice- I needed to drive there specially and I'd saved him a 3 hour wait. He walked in our (small) house, said I must be poor and then did the biggest dirtiest messy shit in our loo. As he was nearly 10, I made him go back in a clean the seat off with wipes. No SEN, just rude. I explained why I wouldn't be repeating the favour.

On the other side, if it was my child and no-one told me, how could I change their behaviour?

So you’ve gone from the child being that child, who called you names, shoved you and were rude, to oh it was just a bit funny how she changed when her dad turned up.

So are you going to tell the parents then? Sooner rather than later, whilst it’s fresh

Not really. I've described it as accurately as I can. In my original post I highlighted how funny I found the change in her behaviour. I've said repeatedly that she didn't ruin the party, that we've not seen that behaviour from her before but we've only ever seen her with her parents, and mentioned a couple of times that the change in her behaviour was funny. I don't see how my retelling has changed at all actually.

I need to think about it. I might mention it when I see the mum on the school run tomorrow. I think it would be easier in person after the kids have been dropped off, rather than over a text message which could be misconstrued. If I do it in person the topic will probably come up organically as she is likely to ask how the party was. Perhaps that's the best way.

Jesus that's grim. I would have made him clean it too.

When we had the warm weather a few weeks ago our ndn child was stood, sort of leaning out of his open bedroom window, one foot on the outside windowsill, talking to my child in the garden. Scared me to death. I told him to get back inside and ran round to tell the parents. Could've been killed.

I have no children myself but I have twice yelled at different next door's kids for doing similar stuff...once climbing up a ladder propped up their rickety fence and the second was the child hanging out the window thing. I'd rather be "that" gobby neighbour than see a child die. In both cases, the Mum (and the whole village!) must have heard me yelling because they appeared almost immediately and yelled themselves.

My youngest was a little so and so at home but I was complimented by all the friends' parents for the helpfulness and politeness when they were at friends' homes. I often wondered if they hadn't mistaken my child for another but apparently not! 🤣