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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find this demeaning?

12 replies

hididdlyho · 07/07/2024 09:05

18 months ago, MIL passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly. I did everything I could to support DH, including taking over running our business so he could take as much time away as he needed. I also took on cooking for us both, as eating properly after being at work all day was a big thing I struggled with when my Dad passed away just before I met DH.

The issue I'm now facing is DH expects me to cook for us all the time/figure out what's for dinner, but never offers to reciprocate. He'll even try to fob off the task of ordering a takeaway on to me. He's taken it as far as he'll go for a nap or a bath and expect me to wake him up when his food is ready! For example, yesterday I'd been working all day whilst he'd been home. When I got home, I put the oven on to throw some food on and he went for a bath and a nap, so I thought fuck this I'll snack on some bits from the cupboard instead as I wasn't particularly hungry anyway. He never communicates anything about dinner arrangements, like 'I'm feeling tired, so taking a nap for half an hour, but I'll help you make dinner after that', he just randomly goes off and does it.

It got to about 9pm last and he started moaning that it was getting late for dinner, so I did let him know that I had attempted to cook for us earlier in the evening but he'd disappeared for a nap, so sorted out food for myself instead. He told me I should just wake him up when dinner is ready (like I had been doing when he was recently bereaved). I know grief has no time limit, but I don't get the impression this attitude is because he's too bereft to feed himself, but more I've been catering to him for the past year, so should just continue indefinitely. I find the idea of waking my perfectly able partner up for his dinner like he's baby, pretty demeaning, AIBU?

OP posts:

Spirallingdownwards · 07/07/2024 09:07

Time to actually have a conversation with him about adjustment of his expectations. You have allowed this to become the norm so until you tell him you need him to take on a fair share he will just muddle along.

Octonaut4Life · 07/07/2024 09:08

That is ridiculous and it's way past time to put your foot down but what is not at all clear from your post is whether you have actually spoken to him about it and made it clear that you are not happy?

GiggleMugsMandy · 07/07/2024 09:10

You need to have a conversation, rather than silently seethe with resentment and start being passive aggressive about it.

FTPM1980 · 07/07/2024 09:10

I suspect this is a communication and understanding issue.

He has absolutely no idea you took on the cooking because of his bereavement. He has not made the connection.
Maybe it wasn't as much of an issue for him as it was for you, or there was more stuff going on.
So now he just thinks you started doing it because you wanted to.
Or he doesn't think at all.
He could be slightly depressed. The fact he is napping etc suggests he is still struggling a bit..it also s partly habbit.

I suggest you talk to him and just say you stepped up that last 18 months but now he needs to start pulling his weight more.

GiveOverAndOver · 07/07/2024 09:42

He sees you as the one who cooks. Is there set jobs you do and set jobs he does? I do all the cooking here but my DH has a 50/50 share of jobs, cooking is one of mine. But if you've never had an arrangement like this and he's not pulling his weight, then yeah he's being a bit ignorant.

turnipsarelush · 07/07/2024 09:44

Hi OP. I have this issue every time my husbands depression gets bad. What I do is when he is on the mend I talk to him and ask what day do you want to take on cooking for now you're feeling a bit better?

AnnaMagnani · 07/07/2024 09:51

Does he even realise you took on the cooking because he was bereaved? And that this was a temporary measure?

You need a conversation about who does which jobs and that you no longer plan to be the permanent chef.

Zanatdy · 07/07/2024 09:53

You are not unreasonable. It’s been 18 months, he needs to start contributing to the household. If he’s at home all day I’d let him know he’s responsible for dinner that day. Leave him to it

Original poster

hididdlyho · 07/07/2024 10:26

GiveOverAndOver · 07/07/2024 09:42

He doesn't really do chores. He might put the dishwasher on if he's not at work and I remind him to. Earlier on in the relationship we did have a sort of agreement that the person who wasn't at work that day would cook dinner. That gradually descended into he earns enough that we can eat out/get takeaway so he doesn't need to cook. He also complains about putting on weight, but doesn't seem to connect this with poor diet and essentially living a fairly sedentary lifestyle. His solution is basically, in theory to outsource everything, but he doesn't actually want to be the person to research and organise getting a cleaner, gardener, etc.

I'm the first to admit that I also don't have the best communication skills, so tend to just be passive and get on with what needs to be done. I suppose I'm looking for a bit of perspective on what a healthy conversation with a spouse on them not pulling their weight looks like. My Mum is very much of the quietly seethe then take out the resentment on who ever happens to be in the firing line at the time camp. So far I've avoided doing the last part, but I am starting to think that there's more to life than cooking and cleaning for another perfectly capable adult. The comment about waking him up when his dinner is ready seemed to hit home that he perhaps sees me more like a domestic appliance rather than a partner.

OP posts:

GiveOverAndOver · 07/07/2024 10:45

I dont think the comment about you waking him up is a problem if you are the one who cooks. But you're not. So it's a problem. Just speak to him and tell him things need to be 50/50 however that looks.

TiredHippo · 07/07/2024 13:59

Oh he's definitely fully aware of what he's doing, he knows for a fact you'll end up doing the cooking. Whether it was because he was grieving or not, he's a grown ass adult, he knows when he's hungry and if he wanted to, he could cook for himself. Just stop doing it for him and sort yourself out.

Skyrainlight · 07/07/2024 14:57

You really need to work on your communication skills and just be honest. I don't think it's possible to have a good marriage without communicating.

You set up a new normal and now you need to let him know it has to change back again. No point getting annoyed when he has no idea how you are feeling. I would also share the take away, no exercise = weight gain wisdom. If he doesn't realise his habits are unhealthy surely you want to educate him? And yes I know he is an adult and should know better but loads of people don't. Also, outsourcing certain chores is fine, cooking is not one of them because it's really difficult to find healthy take away food. So on his nights he cooks.

I would sit him down and say that you wanted to support him as much as possible during the grieving process but the division of labour in the house now needs to shared and you would like him to please cook x nights a week, and on his nights to leave the kitchen clean after cooking.

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