Beef with Sleep

[Charl1392]

Hi All,
First time posting here. Basically, I have 3 LOs. 10, 8 and a 5MO. Currently I am EBF (every 2 hours since he was born). He will no longer take a bottle in any way, shape or form. And when he has taken some on the rare occasion, he has suffered with wind and in the poop department.
However, my real issue lies with my partner. I am really fatigued from BF. Baby wants to be super close all night so I can’t get comfy or barely move without him becoming disturbed and requiring soothing etc. So my sleep is very broken when I do get some. My partner works full time whilst I am still on mat leave. All I want is help with getting baby up in the morning. He doesn’t seem to grasp the concept of taking the baby away from me and entertaining whilst I get some undisturbed sleep. He thinks he is much more deserving of sleep.
I’m not saying every morning, just having the initiative to take the baby and the older boys out to the park for me.
Maybe this is just a rant?! But does anybody else have this issue? Like hello?? Do they think we just lounge about all day when they go off to work. He even does half days e.g 6pm-12am but if he doesn't get his full 8 hours he thinks he isn’t going to survive the day.
I am on my last legs so it seems. I feel my older kiddos are suffering because I’m so knackered in the day. Whilst I still some how manage to get out and ensure my partner is left undisturbed to sleep or have him-time from working.
ahhh! LOL.

even after a decent night, my partner still requires a nap in the day before work for his 6 hour shifts!
We have discussed it and tried to have adult conversations, but it always boils down to his sleep being the priority. I feel like the lack of sleep is wrecking my health.
I guess I’m just looking for someone out there who has/is going through similar issues…

Sorry I’m not helpful at all but your title has me rolling 😂

I have epilepsy which is brought on by being deprived of sleep so my husband did half the nights despite working full time. He also gave me a lie in on one of the weekend days. never complained once.

OP, surely he was this selfish when you had the other 2 children, and while I realise each baby is different, it must have crossed your mind that having a third baby might just be too much for you, when he clearly isn't prepared to give up any of his sleep to help you out?? I'm afraid I just don't understand why women have babies with men who are so selfish, but if that only becomes clear once a first child is born, why on earth do they go on to have more? Seems like madness to me.

However, you're the one allowing him to get away with this sort of behaviour, so make HIS life difficult, if you have to be awake, then wake him up too. Let him see how hard life really is without sleep.

Hey,
Thanks for your reply. I don’t know if you are aware of this but… sometimes people have children to different fathers and mothers. Shocking, I know.

Have you spelt out to him what you would like to happen? With a timetable? (I'm not saying you should have to, just trying to understand where the conversation has got to)?
(I'm FTM to a 5mo EBF bottle refuser I've had to spell out to my DP
I need you to take him so I can get some sleep. I need you to do this straight away when I bring him in, otherwise my adrenalin kicks in and I'm too awake to get back to sleep. I need you to take him out of the house otherwise I can hear him and can't sleep. I am wrecked - I haven't slept for 5 hours straight in over 5 months. In any 24 hour period, any time you are not looking after the him it means I am looking after him. It makes me really sad that you think my time or sleep doesnt matter, you can just go off for a nap and I'llcover. Even if it means im working a 22 hour day.")

Also - I'm following this advice to try to get mine back on the bottle
https://www.instagram.com/tv/C1o-IRGNb-n/?igsh=NjJtZnExMTRjamZj

Thank you so much. I just needed someone to relate.
I have explained to him exactly these things previously and he is kind of just like well… I have work and I can’f be tired at work. I tell him this is work for me too… 24 hours etc. but because he thinks i can potentially have naps in the day with the baby, I have it easier. I feel like it’s a lost cause trying to get through to him. I haven’t even slept tonight yet… like you hit the nail on the head with the adrenaline. By the time partner slowly wakes up to take over and has a moan, I’m annoyed and unable to rest.

You poor thing. It must have been really hard to hear his response.

Is he sleeping in the same room or are you both jn with the baby and he's managing to sleep through?

Explains a lot though

I'd be telling him unless he seriously steps up the relationship is over. What is the point of him?

I think back and my health was in shatters because my ex had the exact same mentality.

His “battery could be at 70%, mine 9% and dangerously in the red but in his mind, he couldn’t be expected to function in 70% therefore he couldn’t assist me.

Im not suggesting LTB over this but I look at photos of myself before we separated and I was a shell of a women. Make him take it seriously, because if nothing changes and this is a sign of things to come, the LTB was the best thing I ever did.

I hate to tell you this but my late OH (a doctor ... so not a trivial job) used to get up to our new babies in the night, stick baby on my boob, take baby away and do nappy and settle. All I had to do was get my tits out!

He did this for each new baby for a few weeks. He did it because he was a parent. He did this because he was a decent human being.

I thought you might like to show this post to your OH.

Well of course, let's just have children and end relationships. Like there aren't enough broken families. Hopefully OP will at least try to work on this without walking away on a whim.

I'm well aware of that OP, however, you didn't tell us that he wasn't the father of all your children, and even so, surely his behaviour to whatever children you have that are not his, should have told you how selfish he was, and that having any children with him wasn't particularly the best idea you've ever had?

At the end of the day, you're the only one who can make a difference to your current situation, and in order to do that, you need to MAKE HIM LISTEN! If you can't do that, then you need to walk away, for your own sake and that of your children.

Not sure I understand what you are saying here, but thanks for taking the time to reply.

I have a bottle refuser, who until recently fed every 2 hours day and night so I feel your pain (and she’s my first- can’t imagine doing it with other kids to look after!).
Sorry to hear that your partner isn’t being helpful- mine has always offered to help but tbh he doesn’t cope well on little sleep. I do the night wakings and he’d take her early morning on his days off (and if she was awake before he left for work) to give me a couple of hours (or until she wanted feeding 🤣).

Reiterate to him how exhausted you are and point out that it’s actually dangerous for you to take care of 3 children when you are so sleep deprived (especially if you drive anywhere).
You’ve said you take them out to ensure he has undisturbed sleep- stop doing that. Tell him you’re too exhausted to leave the house and that you’ll be staying in with them.

It won’t help change your partners attitude but is there anyone who could come and look after the kids for a couple of hours whilst you get some sleep, just as a temporary respite?
I hope things get better for you soon.

Thank you for that message. It honestly just makes me feel better knowing someone else is going through something similar. None of my closer friends have babies so they don’t relate.
i have spoken with him today and we have had a really good go of solving the issue. I have mentioned some of the points in these replies because I couldn’t quite find the words to explain what the issue is.
I’ve never posted to Mumsnet before. Quite surprised people can be so judgy! But there’s always one 🤫