Partner, baby & me

[Noshadealltea]

Our baby is 4 months old, she is going through a bit of a clingy/crying/not sleeping in the day stage. I am on mat leave, partner goes to work - leaves the house early, comes home early afternoon.

Im finding things quite stressful if I’m honest - not with the baby, but with DP. If I am doing something and the baby starts fussing/crying he will immediately be like ‘oh let me take her’ or if I put her in her bed for a nap and she doesn’t immediately settle he will pick her up and start bouncing her - which in itself is fine, however I feel like it’s undermining everything I’ve been trying to do around getting her happy to sleep in her own bed in the day for a nap. He is also being snappy with me and has told me this evening that he feels like I am telling him how to do everything and making him feel like an idiot, he also mentioned that when he says ‘do you want me to do that’ I.e. taking her off of me and trying to soothe her when she cries, I say no, and that makes him feel bad.
He has also found issue in that I say she wants a cuddle from me when she is fractious or tired, even though he has said this plenty of times himself, and frankly it’s true. She wants to play with him but when she needs some comfort she always wants me and this upsets him, even though he delights in the fact that she only wants to play with him and doesn’t smile at me as much/at all if I try to join in.

I have apologised for making him feel like this, as I don’t realise that I’ve been doing it. But I spend all day every day with her, and it’s so frustrating to be back to rocking my baby to sleep in the first half of the week because that’s what he does at the weekends and to listen to him say how much she prefers him for playtime etc and then get told off when I say she needs a cuddle from me when she is tired. This weekend I think I’ve let my frustration show and it’s resulted in an argument.

Im also having my first proper period since birth and it is horrendous and I feel like shit which isn’t helping anything.

AIBU to be wound up by this?

AIBU to even be giving this headspace?!

I really feel like it was out of order for him to snap at me earlier but maybe that’s my hormones going a bit wild. Perspective would be appreciated.

If I am doing something and the baby starts fussing/crying he will immediately be like ‘oh let me take her’

So you’re moaning because he doesn’t leave her to cry?

No, sorry, I mean when I am actively holding holding her or reading her a book or something like that , she fusses/cries if she wants to change position.

Seriously let him take over. Trust me she doesn’t only just want you, she wants her dad too. DH was much better at settling her in the end. It’s not a competition, let him get on with it. DH and DD have a beautiful bond, it doesn’t have to always include me. She’s 4 months old, stop projecting, she will start settling with him when he’s not novel.

She may be fussing and crying because she’s uncomfortable or bored. She can’t focus for that long. Some babies just stare at a blank space when they need a break. Tbh I’m struggling with why you wouldn’t just hand her over when she’s getting frustrated when sitting with you. It sounds more like you want to prove that you can settle her or that she has a preference. We just chucked DD between us as and when needed.

Honestly most people would be happy with this after being with a baby all day. Many women would be frustrated that their partner came home from work and didn’t try to settle the baby when fussy.

The reality is sometimes babies want mum more when they are upset, but they can equally want dad more. And dad doesn’t have to do it the same way as you , babies are adaptable.
It sounds like you’re a bit tired, and without meaning to be patronising maybe feeling things more strongly due to the first period, but overall it sounds like you just need to let him get on with doing things.

Op I think yabu as dad sounds like he really wants to help out with baby and you're almost doing the
'I know her best/ it's GOT TO be my way' like it's your toy and he doesn't play with it right.

Seriously, let dad have some time with her and back off. Babies adjust and learn- babies who go to nursery quickly learn how to do naptime at nursery which is different to naptime at home.

Use the time to sleep/ have some well being time as you sound like you need it.

I was honestly expecting this to be; dad goes out leaving me with baby thread.

@Chickenuggetsticks I do hand her over and she cries and fusses the same on him. I didn’t think that I wanted to prove anything but maybe you’re right and subconsciously that’s exactly what I’m doing. I don’t know. I’m just really tired, it took a lot for us to even have a baby and I haven’t stopped being tired since we started doing IVF. I suppose I want to just be able to calm her myself and be her favourite for something.

I appreciate you taking the time to reply and for giving me an outside view on the situation and myself.

@Coffeerum You are right I am really tired and very much feeling all over the place right now. I’m very glad I posted as I really needed to get out of my own head on this and get another perspective. I will let it go and let him get on with things.

Thanks so much

@Sunnydaysun thanks for responding!

You’re right, i will back off, and will let them crack on. I hate that I’m coming off like that and definitely will be working on that.

He is a brilliant dad and I can honestly say he would rather I go out and leave him with the baby than the other way around.

Please also give yourselves a break though - this is one of the most stressful times in parent's lives and lack of sleep doesn't help.

I suppose I want to just be able to calm her myself and be her favourite for something.

As someone with 2, trust me you don’t want to become the only one the baby will settle for! You will only get more tired and burnt out.
The single best piece of advice I’ve ever heard in my years as a parent is “don’t be the baby expert!”.
She fussed with you, he lifts her and she’s still fussing - what’s the issue? Sometimes they will just be in wee moods and not much will settle them. You don’t need to be the only one to be holding/ rocking the fussy baby. Let him take over for a bit while he’s not in work and enjoy the break.

I somehow used to get annoyed when baby was the same age and DP could settle her when I couldn’t, I would get irrationally annoyed ! Often it’s just that they want a change of person etc not that she won’t do x or y with you. Let him do it his way, she’s small her sleep will go to shit no matter what you do 😂

@Noshadealltea this is a difficult age, you're feeling concerned and anxious, all normal behaviour.

Let him take the baby, but don't sit there stressing.

Take a shower or bath, go and read a book.

It's all fine, this stage will pass.

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone that commented on this post! 2 months later and things are really good, I gave my head a good ‘wobble’ and took what everyone said to heart. DD still doesn’t sleep in the day, but by god am I glad now that I’m not the only one that she will settle with 😂 (she is teething and oh my word 😬).