Behaviour expectations for DS (8)

[Mozzy9]

My DS 8 is a really great kid. He's funny, kind and loving but... he is driving me absolutely potty!

He's away with the bloody fairies. Meal times take forever. He can't follow the instructions I need to give him for getting ready for school. He doesn't seem to enjoy or understand films or anything I read to him because he can't concentrate on it for long enough to follow the story line. Homework has become something I dread: he's perfectly capable of reading and writing but I have to re-focus him every other word. If there is something, anything, to distract him or for him to fiddle with, he will be distracted. A pen lid, a left over rice krispie or a rock... all way more interesting than the task at hand.

Genuine question - is this normal for an 8 YO??! School have never raised any issues and say he's fine when I've asked. He's "on target" for all areas according to his latest report.

It's causing a lot of friction between him and I - I hate it, I am turning into the mean shouting nagging mum. I just want him to put his f*ing shoes on/eat his dinner within a reasonable timeframe/get dressed the first (or even fourth) time I ask him to.

Am I being complete unreasonable in my expectations?!

Tips for helping him improve his concentration (and my patience) would be gratefully received.

TIA - exhausted and frazzled xx

Inattentive ADHD (ADD) can have these symptoms (it’s minus the hyperactivity part).
I thought my DS had it (he sounds so much like your child), but school didn’t agree and think it’s just the way he is. So, in short, I don’t know, but you aren’t alone!

My friends son was like this at 8. Roll on nearly 30years and he’s a very focused and responsible officer in the Armed Forces!

This was immediately where my mind jumped. I'd try giving short instructions one or two at a time, not a list unless you're going to write them down so he can see it. You could also ask him how long do you think you could work really hard on X for? 3 minutes? 5 minutes? Then set a timer and let him work until the timer goes off then let him get up and move around and repeat. Could you do other things with him, like get him to make up his own story with you and do a line each or do puzzles together that are maybe more tactile? If you're doing homework is there any way to make it more sensory/ visual for him to help him stay engaged? Like try to turn it into a game somehow? I'd also be careful to reward and praise him wherever possible. Kids who struggle with concentration in this way often get the message that they are disobedient etc without people even meaning them to.

It's not easy op. And realistically you don't always have the time/ mental energy to make everything fun and sometimes you will have to prompt him. I'd go back to the school again.

I know everyone on MN is quick to roll their eyes at any suggestion of neuro diversity. However you have described my 11YO son who is autistic. Even if your DC is NT, hopefully some of these strategies help.

Some behaviour has improved with age. Concentration is one of them. He will now watch a film and read a book. The caveat being he needs to be interested in it. If he doesn't like it, he will not bother at all.

He won't do homework because that is school work and school work happens in school, not home. That is how his mind works. He will do homework in school, but never at home. So we don't do homework. Primary school have been fine with this. He starts high school in September and I have already enrolled him into the homework club they have at lunchtimes.

As for instructions and getting ready, he gets overwhelmed with too many at once. I need to give him one instruction at a time and once that is completed, I give him the next one. I make lists for a lot of everyday routines that NT kids would manage no problem at his age.

I need to allow extra time for his faffing. I need to allow him about 90 mins to get up and get ready ready in the morning because he will faff. Any attempt to stop faffing will result in a meltdown. My NT 9YO can get everything done in about 20 mins.

The most important one is to chill out. He never does anything the way that I would or how is brother does. But he is an individual and how he does things is no less right than how I do them. There are times I feel myself getting the rage about his behaviour, but then stop and ask myself 'does it really matter?' Nagging him makes no difference anyway and just winds me up even more.

DD is nearly 9 and just starting to come out of this phase - it’s been exhausting! No ND as far as we know.
This afternoon she has sat and focused on a homework craft project for 3 hours with minimal involvement from me - this would have been unthinkable 3 months ago!
My advice would be to hang in there and try not to let it get to you, so much easier said than done I know

I think a lot of this behaviour is pretty standard for 8 year old boys, especially regarding homework, getting ready etc (anything they don’t really want to be doing). The only thing that would give me pause perhaps is the inability to follow a film or story plot.

My DS was exactly the same at 8, and until he was about 11 actually. He was always in trouble at school for getting distracted and for not focusing. No ADD or anything similar, school said it was just how he was. It drove me completely mad, and all attempts to help were just water off a duck's back to him.

It all changed when he discovered his sport, which he is so passionate about that he became so intensively focused and driven in all areas of his life - you would not believe he was the same person and school are still shocked at the transformation. I don't have to remind him to dress for the weather, or to remember this, that or the other anymore. As soon as he found something worth focusing on and important enough to him, he stepped up.

Thank you for your replies and ideas! I appreciate the solidarity :)