My partner told me I say horrible things to him

[Chester23]

I have no idea what I've done. He had said something about our cat like "I wish we hadn't got him" as he went to work. So I text him asking why he says things like that. His reply was "the cat is stressful and I say horrible things to him". When I asked him what ive said he never replied and acted like nothing was said when he got home. All I'm thinking now is I'm a horrible person and I don't know what to do or say. I know the cat can be a pain he crys when he's not with me but how does that have anything to do with what I've apparently said?

It may have just been a throw away comment made without any thought in a moment of annoyance with the cat. I would forget about it.

He sulked upstairs last night. He's really hard to talk to sometimes. If I confront him in person he brushes things off, hence why I text. He normally answers but nothing all night he was at work.
The cat cries for attention and has been poorly recently so is taking a bit more effort (but by me). I guess luckily we don't have children as I don't know how he would react to a child crying. I can ignore easy.

I'd be worried about leaving him with the poor cat. Who knows how he might treat him when you're not there if he regrets getting him.

Your partner sounds over-sensitive and passive aggressive. But I'm sure he has good qualities too?

He sounds jealous of the cat and the attention it gets.

Maybe. But he chose to work nights so our time together is limited on his part. I have asked that he go back on normal shifts but he doesn't want to.
It was me that wanted the cat but he agreed. I wouldn't have got him otherwise. The cat is bonded to me because I spend the time with him and have done since we brought him home.

I wouldn't text my husband asking why he had said about the cat that because it's pretty self explanatory.

What would you have liked him to say?

I asked him because he said it and I didn't hear it all. He then missed that bit out when repeating himself until I questioned him.
It's also not self explanatory, I wanted to know why? I ignore the cat when he cries, it's nothing to me. Im the one who cleans him when he has diarrhea. I'm the one who cleans the trays. I do everything for the cat. The cat is just being a cat. He's doing nothing wrong. It's not the cats fault.

It's also not self explanatory,

He said it because he wishes you didn't get the cat. People do regret getting pets as they are a lot of responsibility.

What was the conversation before he said that?

If he can give you examples, you can decide whether or not he's right and you need to change. Until then, and unless you can think of anything, I'd treat it as an immature "no you" that he sent without thinking. And I can't say I find that particularly attractive.

I genuinely can't remember. He had come downstairs from being asleep to get ready for work. The cat would have likely been asleep on the sofa with me. Apart from feeding him when he gets up I deal with with the cat

Do you think you may have said horrible things, in a moment of anger?

I really don't know what I would have said out of the ordinary. I may have said something about being weird but he calls me that all the time (jokingly)

I really can't think of anything that is any different to our usual banter unless he took something wrong way and said nothing.

As I haven't been there for every single thing you have ever said to your partner, I'm struggling to see if you are being unreasonable

I read this as You: "why would you say (such a horrible thing) about the cat" Him: "The cat is stressful (I said it because I was stressed) you say horrible things (similar to me saying that about the cat that you don't mean) to me too"

Maybe you're right.

Maybe he doesn't like your usual banter.

We've been together 12 years. He should have told me earlier if this is the case

Our marriage improved no end when we stopped the banter. I realise now that it can really sour the atmosphere and what you may think is banter the other person takes personally and vice versa.

I could be wrong here, but my abusive exh would do something like this to me all the time whenever I was unhappy with something he'd done or said. He would turn things around on me and tell me that I'd been aggressive and horrible when in actual fact I'd felt perfectly calm and reasonable. For YEARS I would tie myself up in knots worrying about what I'd done or said wrong and trying to work out how I could avoid making the same mistake again when I'd had so little awareness of my own 'aggressive' and 'abusive' behaviour. How I could possibly come across like that when I'd felt perfectly calm etc.

I now think it was done with the intention of gaslighting me and was a way of deflecting away from his own bad behaviour, by keeping me preoccupied with what I'd 'done wrong' and tying myself up in knots trying to apologise and make amends for this behaviour I'd had no idea I was exhibiting. He too would refuse to communicate with me and would give me the silent treatment for days and threaten to leave me.

I recognise the sense of anxiety in your post, the desperation of wanting to know what you've done wrong and how you can fix it. In my case it was all mind games designed to keep me on the back foot and always the one at fault.

How is the rest of your relationship OP?

Honestly I’ve been known to growl at my DH that I wished I’d never had DC. He knows I don’t really mean it, if he text me to ask me why I would say such a thing I’d feel a bit like “oh wow, I’m just letting off some steam and you are making me feel like I’m really evil here.”

It’s hard to tell much about your relationship from one interaction but if this is the kind of thing you usually come to conflict about I’d say you have poor communication.

Honestly I struggle a lot with him working nights. I've told him this but I dont think he truly understands what I'm saying. It's not that he doesn't pull his weight or anything like that. Our sleep pattern just don't align. I guess I'm a bit lonely, maybe the previous post is right and because of this I've taken it the wrong way