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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to leave my husband

11 replies

Sadandhopeless · 06/07/2024 13:08

i have been married nearly 15 years and we have two children. In January my husband told me that he didn’t find me as attractive as I have gone up to a size 18. Last year I started with physical health problems and then was in a car accident, which affected my mental health and also made the pain I’m in worse. I put on weight and went from a size 16 to 18. It hurt a lot. Before this we hadn’t had sex in 2 years, he kept rejecting me and I stopped trying to initiate it. He admitted that he had been burrowing his head in the sand about our marriage. I told him last year more than once I was unhappy. I’ve lost over a stone in weight and will lose more but I’m doing it for me. My husband is overweight and his weight has increased a lot since we got married yet It’s not bothered me. Things don’t seem to be improving, I’ve found myself distancing myself and even said this to him. I don’t even know how I feel about him.

Tuesday evening I messaged him saying I can’t get over what he said in January, that I don’t feel the same way about him and don’t see a future together. He read it and after been off with me on Wednesday has carried on as normal and not mentioned it.

I’ve tried to work on the marriage, suggested doing things together but things don’t really change.

had couple therapy in the past. He won’t move out.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 06/07/2024 13:10

Go! Leave! You are working on yourself (for yourself) and you want more from life. You've communicated with him, he doesn't want to know. Leave!

Notimeforaname · 06/07/2024 13:11

If he wont move out, you will have to. If you have no savings, start trying to save now. Counselling for yourself is a must while you go through this.

WatchingTheTime · 06/07/2024 13:16

It takes both partners to fix a troubled marriage and he doesn't sound motivated to even try. Time to issue an ultimation.

What's your housing situation - mortgage/rent?

sentfrmmyiphone · 06/07/2024 13:20

nothing is going to change him therefore you must... and i don't mean get fit, lose weight etc i mean leave him! no amount of you changing you is going to change him!

so leave.. don't think about it, don't make plans, just go! got to family, go to friends.. just go! the rest you can work out later

Sadandhopeless · 06/07/2024 13:21

WatchingTheTime · 06/07/2024 13:16

It takes both partners to fix a troubled marriage and he doesn't sound motivated to even try. Time to issue an ultimation.

What's your housing situation - mortgage/rent?

Hi house has a mortgage, my name isn’t on mortgage and deeds due to my rubbish credit rating

OP posts:
BookArt · 06/07/2024 19:33

Go to a solicitor and get advice. Don't tell him a thing. Behind his back get everything organised, if that includes saving, getting a credit card for petrol to up your credit rating or whatever it may be. Copies of all paperwork regarding house, equity, loans, everything.

savethatkitty · 06/07/2024 19:46

I'm sorry love, but it sounds dire. Good on you for working on improving your health for yourself!

My DH once said something similar. In fact, he called me "a hot mess" as I'd gained alot of weight etc. His comments really hurt, because, I thought at the time, he was supposed to love me no matter what! I understand now, some people just are not attracted to overweight people. We didn't have sex for months and months because he found me repulsive. I can't hold that against him, its not his fault I got fat.

Only you know if you can salvage the relationship.

Sunnydiary · 06/07/2024 19:53

You need legal advice on what to do about housing and divorce.

Life is short and you deserve happiness

GoneFishingToday · 06/07/2024 19:54

Someone who says something like that to you, but has gained weight himself, clearly doesn't love you and has no respect. If he won't go, in your shoes I'd walk away.

Then, lose your weight, work on you, for you, and then when you're ready, find yourself a really gorgeous bloke, and make a point of turning up where your (by this time) ex, will be, to show him what he's missing. What an arsehole! You'll be much better off without him OP, and even though your name isn't on the Deeds for the house, as you're married I believe you'll still be entitled to your fair share. See a solicitor for advice a.s.a.p.

WatchingTheTime · 06/07/2024 23:44

You have children together and you've been married for 15 years - doesn't matter that your name isn't on the mortgage, it's a joint asset. What's his pension like? That's also a joint asset. Any savings?

You need legal advice and you need to take control of this situation. It sounds like you're in a rut of resentment and dissatisfaction. Once you start to plan and take control your mood will improve and you'll feel more positive about the future.

The biggest barrier to change in life is the fear of change, but life is short, really short, so you need to be brave and start to build a life that gives you hope.

How do you see your life in 5 years if you stay and how do you see it if you leave? Which vision gives you hope?

Chickenuggetsticks · 06/07/2024 23:47

So he’s fat but he’s upset that you gained weight? My DH actually lost weight while I gained from DC, he’s still as kind and loving as ever.

Get legal advice and get out. The weight will be lifted off your shoulders

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