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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be this upset at H's behaviour

15 replies

PeppaIsHappy · 06/07/2024 11:20

Been married for 9 years, have a toddler and pregnant with DC due in Sep. I have been feeling constantly upset with my H's uncaring attitude recently. He has never bought a flower, any presents or anything for this entire duration of the marriage. He never says I love you or anything nice. We were living in different cities for a few years after the marriage where we were only spending times together on weekends. We both work and have started living together mostly all the time since pandemic. Initially I made peace that this is how he is but it has been making me really upset recently since I have been sick with COVID in this pregnancy, he hasn't bothered to ask even how I was feeling and starts shouting and arguing if I end up in tears saying how I feel now about his uncaring attitude. He thinks I am acting as victim and putting the blame on him while he is the same person as he was. I end up in tears most days due to how I am feeling unloved and not cared for. I told him today that I don't see future together living this way.
I have been feeling quite emotional and anxious about future with two kids and our lives changing so much. I work 4 days and toddler is in nursery those days. There has been a lack of sleep for me and my job has been stressful. He does night waking but never gets up in the morning to look after DS even if I am sick. I don't know if I am being Unreasonable or if I am overthinking it all.

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CutthroatDruTheViolent · 06/07/2024 11:22

He sounds vile. He doesn't even want to be married I don't think.

PeppaIsHappy · 06/07/2024 11:22

Also, wanted to add that we are from a south Asian country which is very patriarchal society and he has never seen his dad or family men do anything nice for their wives so he thinks that's the norm. We have lived in UK for a decade and he is very familiar with British culture and norms. He thinks I should ask him explicitly if I need anything and not expect him to understand anything without saying.

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PeppaIsHappy · 06/07/2024 11:26

I am okay most times but have been feeling quite low since catching this virus since last few days. I am thinking of seeking support from perinatal mental health team. I am sick of his blames on me that me crying is leading to our toddler not listening to us and blaming everything on me and me feeling down.

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Shoxfordian · 06/07/2024 11:28

Was it an arranged marriage? It doesn't sound like he cares very much for you - although he's always been like it so he's not going to change.

PeppaIsHappy · 06/07/2024 11:30

Not really an arranged marriage as we met on an online dating site. I didn't pay so much attention in the beginning as I was caring for a sick relative at the time and he was sympathetic to my circumstances then and I thought he would make a decent life partner and we weren't living together so it was hard to tell from the only few dates we went on.

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PeppaIsHappy · 06/07/2024 11:32

I feel like I am in a really bad place right now where I am pregnant and now realising I can't bear this behaviour anymore.

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IncompleteSenten · 06/07/2024 11:36

I'm so sorry. Would your parents be open to you going to stay with them for a while for the support you need?

DelphiniumBlue · 06/07/2024 11:37

Take him literally - tell him what you need explicitly and see if he does it. He probably won't, but at least then you'll know.
Eg : I would like you to get up with the DC on Tues Thurs and Saturday, and to cook dinner ( and do the shopping for it) on Mon Weds Friday. When I am ill, you need to look after the DC, and that includes x,y and z. I would like you to take us all out at the weekends, and to buy me flowers or chocolates weekly.
Obviously you shouldn't have to spell it all out, but if you do then he has no excuse.
It sounds as if you are quite depressed.💐

Dinosweetpea · 06/07/2024 12:12

Your husband has never bought you a gift or said he Loves you in 9 years? Wow.

PeppaIsHappy · 06/07/2024 12:13

Dinosweetpea · 06/07/2024 12:12

Your husband has never bought you a gift or said he Loves you in 9 years? Wow.

No, not that I can remember.

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Roundroundthegarden · 06/07/2024 12:21

Why have 2 kids with someone who you knew was like this, tbf he is correct in that he was like this always. He sounds horrible but what do you expect that he would suddenly do things differently?
Do you have other support? Do you even want to be with him anymore. He does sound very uncaring and unkind but also unlikely to change. So you need to think of what's your next step.

PeppaIsHappy · 06/07/2024 12:26

Roundroundthegarden · 06/07/2024 12:21

Why have 2 kids with someone who you knew was like this, tbf he is correct in that he was like this always. He sounds horrible but what do you expect that he would suddenly do things differently?
Do you have other support? Do you even want to be with him anymore. He does sound very uncaring and unkind but also unlikely to change. So you need to think of what's your next step.

I was stupid and probably just accepted him for how he was. Now, it's coming back to bite me.

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PeppaIsHappy · 06/07/2024 12:28

DelphiniumBlue · 06/07/2024 11:37

Take him literally - tell him what you need explicitly and see if he does it. He probably won't, but at least then you'll know.
Eg : I would like you to get up with the DC on Tues Thurs and Saturday, and to cook dinner ( and do the shopping for it) on Mon Weds Friday. When I am ill, you need to look after the DC, and that includes x,y and z. I would like you to take us all out at the weekends, and to buy me flowers or chocolates weekly.
Obviously you shouldn't have to spell it all out, but if you do then he has no excuse.
It sounds as if you are quite depressed.💐

@DelphiniumBlue this is very helpful. I will try this.

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Roundroundthegarden · 06/07/2024 12:45

Well now he needs a firm conversation as to how this is affecting you. And raising kids in an environment where there no love shown between parents is also very damaging. He needs to know that. There needs to be a way forward, and ask him what that looks like to him.

PeppaIsHappy · 06/07/2024 13:38

Thanks for all the suggestions. I need to speak to him and see what's the way forward.

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