DD said dad smacks- do I speak to nursery?

[Gabby10]

Not really sure if this is AIBU or not but I know the is will hopefully get the traffic!

Me and DD's dad split when she was 6mo. DD is 2.5 now. She has 1 overnight and one afternoon per week with dad.

She is going through the terrible two's and does push the boundaries a lot when coming back from dads. She was hitting and kicking me the other day (does this a lot when coming back from dads). I told her not too and that it's not nice and hurts. I said 'no one smacks you so you don't smack' she then said 'daddy smacks me' I won't lie it threw me! I was calm and asked 'oh does he, where/why ect' she told me he smacks her back and bum when she's messing around. She has now repeated this a number of times.

I wouldn't be able to ask him as he would just fully kick off. My question is, would you mention this to nursery? Would they ask her further questions? Or would this just be put down to 'different parenting styles'. We also have mediation in a few weeks and don't know if to mention it in this. Part of me wants to say that's it she's not going back but at the same time I feel that I'll be seen as being harsh and over the top. My heads all over the place with this.

Sorry to hear this it must be awful for you. I wish I could be more help but I would definitely think it's a good idea to talk to nursery. Isn't it illegal now to smack children? I wouldn't be comfortable putting my child to their dads if I had been told that but I appreciate it's not that simple. Nursery might be able to offer advice. Hopefully someone else will be more helpful

What does ‘he would fully kick off’ mean? Has he form for being aggressive?

@mammaS11 Thank you, yes I'm hoping they will be able to help or at least point me in the right direction.

@Beginningless Not aggressive physically but very nasty over messages ect. Appreciate everyone parents differently and yes she can be a handful but I don't personally believe any child is that much of a handful they deserve to be hit. Maybe I need to just speak to him and take the shit from him. I know he'll deny it but she's said it that many times I don't feel like it's just a throw away comment if that makes sense

Make sure you check her bare skin. It IS illegal to leave a mark... As far as a court would care... They wouldn't ime...

I might be missing something but what would nursery do? Bottom line is there needs to be a discussion with dad, preferably in writing if he’s prone to kicking off. Definitely needs to be brought up at mediation if it hasn’t been resolved. You need to know if it’s true and if it is, he needs to stop.

I would stop her seeing him and tell the nursery too maybe they can advise? I doubt he will tell you the truth so I would be inclined to believe your daughter, especially if she is showing aggression when she is coming home from him bless her.

none of mine have ever been in the "system"
ie childcare, school or nurseries(home educated/24-7 parented since birth) so i have no experience in how they work

but what's has this got to do with the nursery?
it was in a parents home
as soon as a child leaves the facility(ie the nursery building) i though they had no say in anything

i would say social services if you think hes hurting her
or do you want nursery to make that referral for you?

What are your boundaries with smacking OP? You say he kicks off, is he smacking her out of anger? I'd never hit a child and wouldn't want anyone to hit my child. I'm not sure what you expect nursery to do.

I'd arrange a meeting with him and ask if he's hitting her. Tell him it's unacceptable and you want him to stop. He needs to be able to control himself around her.

Nurseries (and schools) are a very useful first port of call for parents who need support with a safeguarding problem. It's not about the nursery having any authority over the family outside nursery hours, it's about nurseries and schools having trained staff who understand reporting procedures and can support parents through the process and give informed advice. All educational settings have a role as brokers for outside support services and can help parents identify and access services for their child.

It's also generally a good idea to keep your child's teacher/nursery worker informed of anything significant happening in your child's life so they can care for them appropriately.

I would never speak to this person again if what she's said is true. It's abuse.

@sprigatito Thank you, yes this was my thinking. They are very big on any accidents so if she goes with a small bruise they ask what's happened ect.
Aggression wise she's always bad when coming back from dads. And yes I do believe if he does smack it's in anger just from the way he reacts if I say/message something he doesn't like.
@Julyshouldbesunny As soon as she said it I stripped her saying ooo let's get changed ect and no marks at all luckily! That's not to say I don't believe her though.

I'll be honest we went through the court process for his time with her and the cafcass officer basically dismissed every single concern I had so maybe that's why I just feel like I'm in the wrong speaking out. Almost like I won't be believed and DD won't be listened too as she 'too young'. She's not a young 2.5 year old even to the point the health visitor at her '2 year' review a couple of weeks back said she has an advanced understanding but still she's 'only 2' and there's no marks

could you discuss with your Health Visitor?

Nursery would safeguard the child and would call C.H.A.T children's help advice team to investigate further!

I'd be pretty worried about this. No-one else is there to see what he's doing and how he's doing it, so it could be straying into assault/abuse and, therefore, a safeguarding issue.

It sounds like he has a temper, so whatever's happening could escalate.

Maybe call someone for advice (NSPCC).

Whether he's unpleasant or not, you need to speak to him about this. You are her parent and it's your responsibility to keep her safe, not nursery. You need to ask him straight out if he has smacked her and see what he says. If he says he hasn't and you don't believe him, you need to get legal advice about stopping contact. It's not acceptable for a grown man to hit a 2 year old child. You need to make that very clear to him and that you will protect her from him if necessary.

"She was hitting and kicking me the other day"

You know him OP. Do you think he's capable of it? If he is, would be openly admit it as part of his "parenting style" or would he deny it if it were true?

Do you ever see him in person? What's your co-parenting relationship like, do you ever exchange comments and updates or is it antagonistic? Does he know that she's aggressive when she comes back to you? I'm wondering how you think he would he react to a gentle non accusatory conversation starter - if you said something like "oh can I just talk to you for a minute, just to let you know DD has been saying that you smack her? Do you know what that could've about?"

Hi OP,
It is not acceptable under any circumstances for a parent to smack their child. If you are afraid to speak to him about this yourself, then you definitely need to mention it to another professional, such as social services, HV and if you mentioned it to nursery staff, they would have a duty to report it (as far as I'm aware).

Please act on this...if you are afraid to speak to him, then imagine how your daughter must feel when he tells her off/ smacks her. I know contact has been court ordered, but I'd seriously consider stopping it to safeguard your child. It might be worth seeking legal advice if this is your plan.