To be terrified of what's coming next

[Fluffyelephant]

I have always had a very close supportive extended family (parents, cousins, lots of aunts and uncles) who spent lots of time together. Christmases, holidays, any excuse for a special occasion. I am very grateful.

But so far this year they're passing away one by one. And I'm absolutely terrified and don't know how to cope anymore.

My dad died in January. An uncle died suddenly two months later and now an aunt has had a really bad cancer diagnosis. The type where you are likely to only have months, not years.

The reality is that by Christmas this year of the 13 people who would usually be sat at the table only 10 will remain (and that's if nothing else happens in the next 6 months, which feels really possible after January - July). Of the 4 couples in this family group (parents, and aunts and uncles) only 1 couple will remain.

All of these people are in their 60s. Don't smoke, drink heavily and weren't overweight. It doesn't make sense to me. I thought we had another 20 years together.

I'm the oldest of the 'younger' generation in the family. I'm early 30s and my cousins are all in their 20s. And I feel that there's a responsibility for me to step in and support them all emotionally - as the oldest one and also because I have experienced this with my own dad passing and they supported me during that time as best they could. But I'm still grieving everyday for a parent, and now also for my other family members who I loved dearly too.

I'll hate myself for not stepping up for them but it's just too much and I don't know how to cope. Right now I feel like I want to bury my head in the sand and pretend it's all not happening.

AIBU? Has anyone else been through similar? How did you cope?

I lost a few family members in a short space of time, not nearly as short as you have. It’s shit. There’s nothing else to say but it’s shit. The first Christmas is hard and a few christmases after the first one are hard too. Try and do something different this Christmas, just change the routine a bit. You will still miss them but the change in routine will just help a little bit.

You don’t need to be the strong one, you don’t have to hold it all together. You have to grieve for you dad and your uncle and your aunt. You might be in a different stage to your cousins and grief isn’t linear so you will go backwards and forwards. You’ll be in different stages at different times. Just bear that in mind when emotions rise.

It takes time. A long time but your family will be able to enjoy those moments again with the crushing weight of grief. It’ll be bittersweet but you’ll be able to enjoy those big family moments again.

Sympathy to you, OP. That sounds really tough. Have you considered being open with your cousins about how much you are struggling? It's not on you to support them all - you all need to be supporting one another through this difficult time.

I understand that sense of responsibility (I’m the eldest in my generation of the family too by quite a few years.) however they’re all adults. The support you all need is no different when you’re in your 30s to 20s so try not to feel responsible. You are all grieving and it’s equally as hard for all of you so you don’t need to ‘step up’ or similar. It’s an utterly shit time you’re having and it’s ok to feel like you can’t face it all because it’s so much to process. Don’t put extra stress on yourself for feeling like you need to support your cousins more - you can only do what you can do.

Thank you all for your kindness and understanding. Tbh I think my youngest cousins (who I know are likely to need the most support) are in a bit of denial or just don’t realise the severity of the situation yet. We’ve had a few family members in the past overcome breast cancer so I think they might think this is likely to have the same outcome but sadly it’s a very different type of cancer with a much bleaker outlook. Even thought I’m the oldest I’m not sure what we do next and I’m realising I don’t have any answers.