To ask if I’ve been ungrateful?

[glumbee]

We moved house a few weeks ago. My parents have really kindly offered to help us decorate and started a few days ago. I’m pregnant and experiencing PGP and have been off work so DH is working the maximum amount of hours plus overtime so we have plenty of cash behind us before baby. We are really time poor and I’m limited in how much I can help. I can’t lift stuff and suppose I shouldn’t really breathe in paint all day. We asked my parents if they were sure and reminded them DH could just do it on his days off but they were adamant they wanted to. We have repeatedly thanked them for this each day, taken them lunch, tried to arrange to take them out for a nice dinner to say thank you. Tonight out of the blue they have declined the dinner and rather bluntly said we need to save every penny we have as the house needs ‘so much work’. I told them we really didn’t mind or we could cook for them instead. No answer. It transpires they are annoyed at us, at my DH for not being on hand to help every day & at me for being naive and burying my head in the sand about all the work there is to do. It seems as though this has really tired them out and they feel like we are not grateful. I am shocked by it as I’ve really emphasised every day how nice of them it is, and they’ve shown no signs of resentment until now all of a sudden.

I feel a bit shocked and a bit upset too, I’m left feeling really guilty as though I have burdened them but never asked them or expected any of this help - it seems more as though it’s more work than they thought? But if that were the case, they could have said at any point, actually this is too much for us can DH do it instead? We’d always planned to do this around DH’s work, and knew it would be a work in progress bit by bit.

What can I do other than apologise here? I’d have rather never had any help at all, and genuinely feel really confused and like shit for taking advantage of their good nature.

How old are your parents? It sounds like a lot for them to have taken on. I think you would be wiser to employ a decorator or do it yourselves.

Mid 50s.

They’re probably just knackered.

Give them a few days to recover. I’m sure it’ll blow over.

I just feel terrible as I never asked or expected this of them

It sounds like it's a case of them regretting taking it on (which I'd reasonable) but then blaming you for that (which is unreasonable). In your position I'd just say something like "so sorry you feel that way, this really wasn't what we intended and we're so grateful for all your help. We'll sort it out ourselves from now on" and then do just that, somehow! Think of the money/time you spend on help elsewhere as an investment in preserving your relationship with them, and move on.

You don’t sound ungrateful. But they do sound judgey and interfering. No one made them help and by the sounds of it you have thanked them. Lots of people buy a doer upper and have children -we have done that

Agree with this. Don’t make it into an issue, everyone is probably tired and grumpy.

Sounds like they over-promised and resent it. I think I would remind them that you and DH had told them DH would do it on his days off, but they insisted. If they no longer feel able to help then that’s fine and you don’t expect them to tire themselves out.

Let them off the hook but also don’t feel obliged to entertain them and cook for them. Tell them you’re busy with the house.

Stop feeling bad OP. They took it on, you didn't bend their arms back. This guilt we feel when it's our parents needs to be stamped out when we start to sprog ourselves.

Thank them one more time for the help they've given but you've made other arrangements for the rest and just go with your original plan.

Thank you. I think my hormones aren’t helping. I just feel really sorry for myself and incredibly guilty that they’ve done so much in the first place. Tried to make it up to them in every way possible yet they are just making me feel bad about it. I never asked or expected any of this as you say but all the same have told them repeatedly how grateful we are that they’ve done such a large amount of grafting this week for us

Don't apologise again. Just take control. You're not a little girl anymore and they don't get to make you feel bad because they bit more off than they can chew.

Have they got form for this kind of thing? Reminds me of my PIL. Offering help and then making us suffer.

I've got a situation fairly similar unfolding in my family with my parents and my brother/SIL.
They've tried to help my brother and his pregnant wife as much as possible and I'm sure my brother would say the same as you about not needing the help etc. My parents don't feel they can sit and do nothing and let their (soon to be born) grandchild basically live in a building site. They're worried about moisture from plastering and all the dust from sanding or whatever in a newborn's lungs. They're helping as much as they can but my brother's still working all hours. I can see his side where he's trying to save money but my parents feel they should have a) tried to save before this point and b) not bought a house that needed so much work while expecting a baby.

Not to say this is the same as you, OP, but there are usually two sides to every story with the truth somewhere in the middle.

Have they got a point about the amount of work the house needs? If so and your DH is working every hour then perhaps they are understandably worried about the house being completed/ready when baby arrives?
Not saying they are right to be annoyed just offering another perspective.

No not really which is why I’m all the more shocked, and upset. I just can’t get my head around offering to help people when you know they won’t be available and then making them feel bad for it after, even though they’ve done nothing but thank you. It just feels unkind to me. I’d have rather they never helped and said, ‘sorry it’s a bit much for us but we can recommend this decorator’ or something.

It’s habitable. Needs a few minor things. The spare room which will never be used needs a new radiator and replastering. The living room needed painting as the previous wallpaper was ghastly. Things like that. Nothing structural or needing immediate fixes

Mid 50’s is young. There’s no way they’d be overwhelmed at that age. I guess they’re just fed up with it. Tell them thanks for what they’ve done and to not do anymore now.
they’re being rude and ridiculous. Did they expect your husband and you to be working on the house with them? Don’t let them treat you like a child.

They may have bitten off more than they can chew and got tired/frustrated with their quality of work/annoyed with each other whilst decorating and it’s being projected onto you.
In the future, I wouldn’t expect them to follow through on similar offers of manual labour such as decorating or even offer at all.
Some people feel that they want to help but actually prefer to chip in financially if it means things can be chivvied along. If it works in your timeline that is. Not everyone likes being rushed into doing something, even if money is thrown in. Plenty of people raise a family and decorate room by room.

Thank you, I think room by room is manageable too. Just bewildered we had an offer, felt so appreciative they wanted to be so kind for them to end up resenting us for it. I don’t know what I could have done differently

I think so too. I have just kept repeating throughout that they don’t have to do it though which is why the attitude now towards us seems so unfair, it seems as though they are actively pissed off at me and DH even though we haven’t done anything wrong other than been extremely busy (which we made clear from the start).