Are not all children able to cope with nursery?

[Mintchocco]

Hello,

I am feeling quite stressed over this situation (to put it mildly).

My child is currently in nursery - they started in late April and have had to have some time off during that due to inevitably catching illness. So it has been a bit up and down anyway.

They go for 3 days a week. Originally full days, then they asked if I could bring them in later and pick them up earlier. Now, the last 3 weeks they have asked if he can only go in for a couple of hours in the morning for a few months whilst he settles. It's been tough as I work full time but I am very lucky I have such understanding management who have let me work flexibly around this. However, it does mean I am getting up very early to work in the morning, then staying up very late to catch up after childrens bed time. So it's really not going to work long term.

When I picked my child up this morning, I got the comment 'they have been very unhappy this morning, it almost feels like they are angry at us'. I asked if their keyworker was in and was told not today and I said oh I know my child is very attached to them. The response I got was 'yes but even when Keyworker is here, your child follows them around and if they can't see Keyworker they start crying, which is not fair on the other children as they need to bond with this Keyworker too'.

I am really not sure what to do. I am starting to get headaches from the lack of sleep and the pressure I feel. I am not sure if they are attempting to get me to remove him without actually saying. I also feel like he's only actually been in about 5 weeks all in with the illness which I don't think is too long. I am not sure what else I can do here, i've shortened the hours, I've done only mornings.

Anyone else had a child that struggled and can I ask what you ended up doing? I cannot not work - it's not affordable for my household to have only one income.

One of my children just didn't settle at nursery. Changed to a childminder and this worked brilliantly. There were only 2 other children and they had been there some time and were very settled so it was much calmer. The child minder was very experienced and just brilliant. The folder she put together ready for transition to school nursery prior to reception was one of the best they had seen.

I would change setting, either to another nursery that gives a more nurturing vibe or a childminder. While some children settle quicker than others the nursery don’t sound particularly helpful. I can’t see how him attending a few hours in the morning for months would be a beneficial strategy.

Personally I would change nursery. When my child started nursery they anticipated that settling in takes time so proactively arranged a phased start/settling in programme. She had a dedicated key worker who was brilliant and did everything possible to form a bond/spend as much time 1:1 as possible. The setting you describe doesn't sound very proactive or like they have a plan to help your child settle.

I took one of mine out as nursery wasn’t for him. They made him have a hot meal at lunch when he just wanted a cheese sandwich, and he was in the big room so nowhere to nap. I pulled him out for his sake.

Apart from being distressed, have the explained any other behaviours that are concerning?

I think a childminder might suit your child better with fewer children and more attention?

That isn't going to work long term for your child, nursery or you. Nor will it help settle them as they're spending more time away from the setting.

I'd be looking elsewhere or perhaps a childminders. Depending on their age could a preschool be an option?

My nursery was frankly not great with under 3yo kids.

How is he with strangers or family etc?
How is his speech?

However my dc does turn out to be asd. She never settled after several sessions.
I ended up not going bacl to work. But she was also not sleeping well and ill all the time too.

How old?@Mintchocco

How old is your child (sorry if I've missed it).

It sounds like this setting is not ready for for your child.

I would look around at other settings, including childminders.

How old is you child? If under 3 a new provider might help. If 3-4 you may need to push for more days or go for a specialist pre-school that starts with 3 year olds.

I still remember poor Liam from DD's nursery 10 years ago. Wailing crying, bless him. He did eventually settle and did brilliantly. But it was a struggle.

My youngest took a looooong time to settle. Instead of sending him in 3 days as scheduled we ended up splitting his hours over five days instead, which was far from ideal as it then became 3 hours a day which was quite annoying. He did eventually settle though! Took maybe 5 months before he stopped crying at every drop off 🙈 He's been there almost 3 years now and is starting school in September - he's a completely different child from when he started. He's so confident and absolutely loves nursery.

I think you might need a different nursery though... they don't sound very nice or accommodating. Our nursery actively worked with us to help our son whereas yours doesn't seem to be doing that.

Good luck, I hope you figure something out :)

As PPs have said, I think it depends on age. If still a baby I would try another setting. If they are a preschool, it may be the adjustment of they have been with family before.

Change the nursery, 100%. The setting isn’t right for him and they don’t sound that sympathetic to either of you. I have loads of friends whose kids settled perfectly at a different place, not always a childminder, sometimes a smaller less hectic nursery was much better too.

My son never really coped with nursery. My daughter had been full-time from tiny and was fine. My son had a combination of nanny and nursery with a maximum of 3 days p/w at nursery. At best, he was sad going in. At worst he was sobbing. We didn’t know whether it was him or the nursery or both. Because he was a summer birthday, and so would be leaving before he turned 4, we just kind of pushed through, but it was pretty heartbreaking some days.

If it’s any comfort, we dreaded him starting school, given how bad nursery had been for him, but he practically flew through the door on the first morning and has never struggled since (he’s now nearly 10).

Thank you so much for your replies, I have just caught up now.

Some of the comments from the nursery have made me feel terrible truthfully.

They have said his crying sets all the other youngsters off and causes them distress etc. so a lot of comments that him being upset causes the others to be upset and cry for their mums, so I then feel guilty towards the other children aswell as my son.

His speech is delayed for sure, he was born very prematurely so I expected it. He is currently on the waiting list for speech and language. Development elsewhere fine.

I did think he might suit a childminder more, I'm not sure if he finds nursery a bit too much, too many other children. The problem I have currently is trying to find one! I just worry about constantly moving him around but it might be the best option for him.

Ducking hell, they sound awful, I would move him if you can OP, poor little thing 😔 I get it might be logistically a bit difficult for him but surely if he is young, the ratio should be 1:3 so surely he should be able to be close to his key worker whilst she does things with other DC?

I just feel so sad for your DC, it sounds like they really lack empathy and I would not be happy. To be fair, I don't have much experience of this as my older 2 DC only went to pre school part time from age 3.5, and my youngest who is about to start school hasn't gone at all as they had no places.

Ducking hell, they sound awful, I would move him if you can OP, poor little thing 😔 I get it might be logistically a bit difficult for him but surely if he is young, the ratio should be 1:3 so surely he should be able to be close to his key worker whilst she does things with other DC?

I just feel so sad for your DC, it sounds like they really lack empathy and I would not be happy. To be fair, I don't have much experience of this as my older 2 DC only went to pre school part time from age 3.5, and my youngest who is about to start school hasn't gone at all as they had no places.

It doesn’t sound like a very nurturing nursery.

A childminder might work well but just a word of caution that sometimes needy children (sorry for phrasing it like that but you know what I mean) can actually be better in a nursery setting where there are more staff. Childminders might have fewer children overall but also less ability to devote time to just one as there will be other children there who need to be tended to.

I have taken him out - he was getting hysterical the last two sessions when i was even packing his bag.

Going to look for a childminder/nanny - he was fine with a childminder previously so I do think the nursery setting is just not quite right for him ultimately.

How old is he and why did you move him to nursery full days?
What do you do the other days if you work full time?

He is 2, the nursery only offer the funded hours over 2 full days. I then paid for another session on another day. Some places round here also do not offer only a morning/afternoon session and have a minimum amount of hours they require the child to do.

My step dad helps me on the other day.

Children settle at different periods of time. Can be days or months. Perseverance is needed and regular attendance. I only ever seen 1 child who didn't ever settle despite us trying for months. You will get there. Good luck

I took my eldest out of nursery after a few weeks at age 2.5 as he didn't settle, he still remembers how much he hated it and he's 25 this year !

Aug/Sept can be a good time to start with a new setting, when all the older ones have just left for school and it's a bit quieter. I hope you find some childcare that suits him more. I wouldn't necessarily rule out another nursery if having a group setting is important to you, but I can see that a nanny or CM might be a better bet if you are happy either way.