Daughter/ scolhool/ refusing to attend

[Devonshirerexx]

My DD refuses to attend school.

We have had her assessed by CAMHS, but she refused to engage with them.

The school is not helping.

We tried a managed move, which resulted in her having a boyfriend.

She was then attacked by the said boyfriend.

She has also since been to a school for special educational needs and therapy.

Again, she didn't engage.

She is back at her old school with a part-time timetable.

She does have ADHD and is on the spectrum for autism.

She does whatever she likes. We set up her work experience.

The school is saying there is no reference to this.

It was done and organized.

They don't believe in ADHD as it is a Catholic school.

So there is no support in place.

They just send snotty voicemails telling me to get my daughter to school.

Like I don't try!

Has anyone else been through this?

Is there any advice, bar judgment?

I will add more context, depending on any advice received.

TIA

Ok.

So, firstly the steps towards sorting this are basically around documentation as this will start to produce some of the help you need.

You mention adhd and autism - is she diagnosed? If not then starting that process is step 1.

If she's had a managed move then presumably her behaviour etc is documented.

Next step is starting the EHCP process if not already done. Try heading over to the SEN boards first advice on that. You can apply as a parent you do not need the school to apply.

My DD dropped out of the first year of a levels for similar reasons.

She had a year at home, anti anxiety meds, counselling etc. she then re-engaged with education when she was ready. She did a part time catering course in her first year back, then an access course and is now at uni.

Your DD does not have to follow the oath everyone else does.

You would probably be better off focusing on meds (and diagnosis if not already in place) than education right now.

My daughter at 16 (post covid) would not attend for full timetable as she did not get all of her preferred choices. A full timetable is mandatory in fifth year (Scotland). She was extremely rigid and unbothered by penalties. Always been very literal in her attitudes but sociable enough, behaviour/difficulties not sufficient to warrant CAHMS/ASD referral but had always been on a stage 1 Intervention plan since primary.
Ended up moving her to local college after Christmas to do elective NVQ courses to get her into chosen career. Will take her an extra year, but a but of maturity will benefit her I think. Like a different child. Got herself a part time job. Now on time. Does not miss classes. Does homework assignments. Shows up early for work (I’m fainting, truly) and now can (gasp) engage with adult strangers - something she could never do. I had been demented with her, and gone toe to toe every day over school, wearing uniform, etc. making me hate her, both of us utterly worn down with it. I had been very resistant to the college idea as she’s clever and I felt this was a less desirable option. I now feel that sometimes what I wanted for her isn’t what she wanted so she just checked out. I really believe if I had forcibly kept her in school she would’ve flunked on purpose to spite me.

I guess what I’m saying is try to check out ANY alternatives even if you don’t fancy them to keep her in viable education. Talk them over with her and make her choose so there’s a chance she will engage as she’s had agency over the choice. Hopefully something that can lead to a productive outcome. Best of luck, I feel your pain.

There are alternative provisions based on art. This may be a way in. There are also art subscription boxes and boxes that companies do that are tailored to the educational needs and interests of each child.

Would DD be open to art therapy?

First of all let me point you in the direction of these people https://notfineinschool.co.uk

Secondly, you are not on your own, there are thousands of us dealing with this .. there is loads of support and guidance out there

Also, I am a governor at a Catholic School, and your Head is talking of thier bum. They should be catering for ND young people, whether they are diagnosed or not

My daughter missed 3 years.. she has just completed Y1 at college, but I’m not confident of Y2. She is now diagnosed with Autism, and takes Sertraline to manage her anxiety.

what I would advise is to take any conflict out of it , no shouting, no removal of possessions, no switching off the WiFi etc. Take away the pressure to attend, stop talking about school, or qualifications or exams … they already know they should be in school, they don’t need you to tell them.

It isn’t your job to get her in school, they are professionals for that .. it’s your job to make her feel safe, and feel loved, and for her to realise you are on her side.

You can return to education at any age .. there aren’t guards on the door of colleges and universities that turn you away of you are over 21.

take the pressure off

I agree with most of this apart from the 'it isn't your job to get them in school'

Of course it is. Children legally have to be in full time education and it's absolutely up to the parents to facilitate that. Yes we can take the pressure off and advocate, but kissing goodbye to any responsibility for getting your child into school is downright stupid IMO. It'll always be the parents responsibility, with the HELP of professionals.

I am putting in a lot of effort, but unfortunately, I am not receiving any assistance from professionals. Instead, they are dismissive and sarcastic towards me.

What I would do....
Focus on her art. Find good quality subsidised evening and weekend courses and go along with her. Things that she can't necessarily do from home due to needing equipment. Hopefully a mix of ages ago that she gets a different perspective from the conversations there.

Find a way to do silver arts award with her.
Help her build a portfolio.

Start to make the suggestion and hope she takes it onboard that college is a completely different kettle of fish to school. That they're more able to treat young people as individuals and she will love it.

Give her mental health days from school and focus on the art. Encourage her to make the effort with maths and English as then if she goes to college for art she won't have to do those alongside.

@Devonshirerexx

My reply wasn't aimed at you at all OP, it was for the PP who said it's not parents responsibility.

It wasn't aimed at you at all :)

I think focusing on the bigger picture can be helpful.
The op has indicated that they can't home ed and I wouldn't advocate for that so close to school finishing but if they can focus on on what's important then her DD might be able to get something out of her school education rather than nothing.

So if they can think about what she wants to do for the next step - and one of my kids was like a rabbit in the headlights about this so I know even that is hard, especially with a history of school trauma, then hopefully they can get over this particular hurdle rather than finding it's a brick wall.

So art. College where she'll be with more artistic children and hopefully find a tribe. Doing what she needs to do to satisfy the college that she can have a place. Often in vocational subjects this isn't the 9 GCSEs but it's passion, talent and a portfolio that shows that while school was not a good for they were still (self) motivated in the subject they wish to continue with.

I acknowledge and assume full responsibility for the situation.

I have diligently pursued every possible avenue to seek assistance and advocate for her case.

As a registered nurse, my colleagues perceive this situation as a personal failure on my part.

While some individuals believe that my professional status should be leveraged, it is important to recognize that not everyone has connections, and general practitioners may provide indifferent advice without taking action.

To mitigate potential fines, I have prepared a letter outlining my case, which can be presented to the school and CAMHS.