Please help me regarding play dates.

[Orangeyyq]

I am on the spectrum. Something I only discovered recently, I have hardly organised play dates for my kids. My daughter whose going into year 5 is getting isolated and I know I need to step up. Please help me organise play dates. I have in the past tried but have had parents either leaving me on read for over a week then replying or just saying they are busy. I then give up and don’t bother.

please help me.

Rather than focusing on one parent at a time, is there a class chat you could say you're going to the park or cinema (or somewhere else neutral) in and would anyone like to join. Might take the pressure off and allows you to gradually get to know people more.

Do you think your daughter is also on the spectrum? Is she concerned about friendships?

My ds is also on the spectrum and struggles with friendships with peers. I am not on the spectrum and whilst I did offer playdates, these were never reciprocated and by year 5; I pretty much gave up! So please don't beat yourself up, the outcome of playdates may not have successful even if you had been prolific in planning these!

Instead I looked at out of school activities, such as scouts etc. this was better for my child and he remains active to this day. He found this easier to manage as he can socialise when their is a shared focus, but he can't do small talk!

By year 5, the children tend to organise it themselves and parents don't come too. With both my dds, they would just come out of school saying 'is it ok is sue comes to play tonight'? And I would say yes or no depending. It sounds like you're sending texts inviting the parents too, I think that's more for younger children. When my dc were 9/10 I wouldn't have wanted to go round a person I didn't knows house to make small talk whilst they played.

Are you happy to have guests in your home or would you rather take them out and about?

Playdates don't have to happen but DD should get some socialisation done outside of school so Brownies or similar are a great middle ground.

As for parents, have you done the foundation work and built relationships with these parents, chatting at school pick up times etc. Most parents don't want their children going to complete strangers homes.

By year 5 lots of children will be calling for each other and going to the local park together if in a safe area, for a lot of children structured playdates are a thing of the past.

Oh I misread, I thought your daughter was 5, not year 5. Yes, she might want to take the lead herself then.

My DD's would talk about it themselves with the friend and then say that they had asked if Jane could come over and could she come next week. I was more the middle man by KS2.

It's harder at that age as they both usually have other stuff going on certain days. Clubs etc.

The alternative is to say that you are going somewhere on a day and does anyone want to come.

With both my dds, they would just come out of school saying 'is it ok is sue comes to play tonight'? And I would say yes or no depending.

This is what I was going to say. It's all more driven by the child as they get older. It's not so much play dates but just coming round.

I agree that after school activities will help form new friendships.

At primary it tends to be done in person. Like they say can X come over tonight. Or all the kids go to the closest park after school.

sometimes weekend playdates are arranged via small talk at the gate or through mum friends I met before school or mums of my ds closest friends. Maybe make a beeline for those mums and start doing some small talk? Basically not via text.

If you are texting, it needs to be more in the style of sending a message on Saturday morning saying "we are going to x Park later, around x time, feel free to join". Said Park should be close to school and just before lunch, dinner or bedtime so that everyone knows roughly how long to expect to be there (about an hour) before leaving.

Also misread as 5yo sorry!.but most still likely applies.

Plenty of kids don't have regular playdates and still have a good childhood. Either due to house location, parents commitments, clubs clashing, sibling commitments etc.

I know it's very common now to fill children's time with 'interactive' and social stuff but it's not necessary.

If your child wants a playdate, I would reach out to a friendly mum and ask if you can arrange something.

If your child isn't bothered, I'd let it slide.

I have Aspergers’ and I’ve found it harder to organise play dates with my primary aged children than I did my older teen children. Then, none of it was via text etc it was all organised by talking with another parent and actually getting to know them - now I’ve tried but the ones I have had around haven’t reciprocated (one child came to two birthday parties here last year and yet her Mum hasn’t even had my DD in her garden for 5 min. No reasons like ill health or working or dogs.), and I find that so rude.

Could you maybe contact your child’s best friend(s)’s parents to organise you taking them swimming together then dropping off afterwards? Or the same for the cinema? Or a trip to the beach? This ‘bigger event’ may get you a positive response more than at home times.

I had major play date anxiety too. It’s such a minefield! Which part worries you? Is it interacting with other parents? Interacting with other people’s children? Having people in your space? That you aren’t familiar with the general rules/accepted practice? All of the above? For me, it was all of the above.

I started by organising simple, low pressure, outdoor play dates e.g park visits. I would make these time limited so there is no awkwardness about when to leave (e.g have an appointment or such about 1 1/2 hours in). Maybe after this a trip out somewhere (e.g to get some bubble tea or go to Claire’s/ bowling/cinema). Then maybe invite someone over for tea.

The good news is that around year 5, a lot of kids start organising their own social life a bit - going to the park with their friends/ calling for their friends etc (very area dependent obviously, due to safety/freedom differences). You will also find that they may not want your input at all when their friends come over and will just hide away in their room, surfacing only to raid your snack cupboard) 😁

It’s nice to start building a little community for your child though. Making those trusting connections with other parents is useful.

@EmberAsh I’ve done that 2x. Once for my Reception child - I said I’m going park on so and so date if anyone would like to join me but had 3 responses saying they can’t. Rest of the class ignored it.

I find class chats not very friendly I find one to one easier

@Icannoteven i don’t know what worries me to be honest. Right now I feel rejected as people can take a week to respond and give excuse they “super busy”, well I’m busy too! I work and look after the kids do I don’t think that’s an excuse. When I do meet up for play dates it seems like a one off and it does t go anywhere. So I’ve invited 3 friends over time but then wait for them to invite us back but doesn’t happen!

She's Y5, she has 1 year left at primary before she moves to secondary and forgets all those friends anyway and starts to make her own plans

Leave it be

It isn't about what you are or are not doing op - at this age it's about what your dd is or is not doing.

Don't wait for an invite back, if your DD likes the child then just invite them back. There are a myriad of reasons for why others won't invite people to their homes, perhaps they are in an abusive relationship, don't like people in their home or embarrassed by it, have other caring responsibilities and looking after a disabled partner or child or parent, dont have the money to take other children out or provide tea for them. So if your DD like the child then you facilitate the out of school play time.

If a mum in a class chat put that they were going to the park and their children wasn't close friends with mine, or I hadn't spoken to the parents before then I wouldn't go, I wouldn't expect the invite to be aimed at me even if the chat was for everyone.

I never cared if my dd was asked to their house after a child had been to ours. It's not Downton Abbey. Coming over to play should be an informal invitation with no expectation of anything except your child spending some time with the person they want to spend time with.

Year 5 is pretty old for play dates arranged by the parents and they definitely aren’t done in a tit for tat style at that age typically.
Maybe have a chat to your daughter about her interests and sign her up to a club or some sort where she will hopefully meet other kids. It would help build her confidence before a new school too.

The 'us' stuck out for me. Are you expecting that parents go with their child?
I'm older now but by ks2 the children were friends and were happy to go alone.

Have you tried cultivating her friendships at brownies for example?

I think it's possible you are pitching this wrong.

Texting the parents rather than the children just asking their parents and then waiting for a return invitation is all too much and it's too formal and intense.

Ask your daughter if there is someone she would like to have over. Tell her the days that are good for you and then see if it comes to anything. And keep out the way when the child is at your house.

Does she have particular friends to invite?
Mist kids have grouped by year 5 - so is she in a friendship group?

DD is just finishing yr 5 now.

How close by do your DCs friends live? This year they've starting knocking on each others doors and just sorting their own play dates, if there's someone who lives close by then would she be confident enough to just go round, knock and invite them to come back to yours to play?

If not then let her know she can invite a friend back and do it at school, then when they come out to be picked up, they can say to you 'can x come over for tea tomorrow?' you'll have the parent there to confirm with and swap numbers and can just pick both of them up the next day.

Year five is too old for play dates.

You say that your child dd is getting isolated, I’m sorry to hear that. My dd has struggled socially from y5 onwards. She has a referral for asd dx.

It’s hard supporting your child to navigate social world at this age. But this isn’t something you can ‘fix’ instead you can just love and support her, be there for chats. Try to make home and family life a good place for her. Be careful of not projecting your own worries onto her.

I agree that supporting getting her involved in clubs outside school etc can be really useful. Though don’t panic if that’s not something she loves. If she needs downtime away from people, that’s just as valid as being super social outside school.