Don’t want to die, but don’t want to live

[Cantthinkofausername1]

I’m not actively planning on ending my life. But at the same time I wish every day I didn’t have to do this any more. Life is hard and painful. Does anyone else feel like this?

I’ve been through a long stage of feeling like this, but don’t anymore. Is there anything in particular getting you down or just the general drudgery of life?

There is a lot going on in my life, that I can’t explain in a short message, but it has been an overwhelming feeling throughout a lot of my life.

I have felt like this. Please speak to your GP, try and see a therapist.

Have you any friends you can speak with?

Op I understand how you feel, I suffer from a chronic painful illness that is overlooked by the health care in this country and not very well supported. While in many ways I do want to be here, in others it feels like it’s to hard to keep doing this.

I can completely relate and I think the problem for me was getting stuck in that mindset. Honestly, just a few months ago I was researching assisted suicide. Things that helped me were:

1. instead of telling myself I don’t really want to be here anymore, telling myself I do want to be here. Sounds fucking basic I know but it changes your whole outlook.
2. find little things to appreciate, it might be a moment with a pet, or watching a butterfly in the garden, or a child skipping along the pavement, just consciously try to notice the nice things in life rather than the shit things.
3. try to get out in nature, it is grounding and relaxing.
4. if you can, have a holiday or some kind of experience which is a break from the norm, it may help to reset your way of thinking.

Of course I don’t know why you feel like you do, so all of the above might not work but for me I felt stuck in a negative (or maybe not even negative…just nothing) kind of rut for a long time. Lots of past trauma which hasn’t gone away and never will but I’m making a conscious effort to change my mindset, it really is mind over matter and if you feel the way you do, the only way to change that is to consciously do little things each day to do things differently.

@jenecomprendspas24 makes some very good points I often feel worse when I'm thinking of the negative things.

Even just little things can help me feel a bit better sometimes. Thanks for the reminder. I've had a bad week so far. I need a positive note today 😊

Yes, I felt like this due to a combination of menopause and bereavement. I have a dear friend who lost a parent young through suicide and I genuinely think seeing the impact that had on her is the only thing that kept me not acting on the ideation. It's a horrible way to live and I'm sending you a big hug.

I had bereavement counselling and HRT, both of which have helped and I'd urge you to seek a combination of similar therapies (you say you've felt like this for a while so I'm guessing it's not down to something 'shocking' like a bereavement). There are people who can help you.

I also found really simple things like writing down a mantra every day helped me alter my mindset just a tiny bit. All those tiny bits do add up though. Mine is Julian of Norwich's and I happily gift it to you: all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

This doesn't have to be all there is.

Listen, life can be totally unfair, unpredictable, tough, totally shit, but I think by acknowledging that you really are taking a positive step. Please talk to a GP, friend, counsellor etc. What you are feeling is just the now but the tomorrow can be very different. Sending love your way x

Don't do it. Please call the Samaritans or a friend you trust. I promise after you've spoken to somebody you'll feel a bit better.

@MigGirl hope your week gets better 😊.

I’d also add to my list forcing myself to socialise, I find that really difficult as my default mode is to shut myself away, but I do feel loads better for getting out and catching up with friends, or even just a phone call with them. I still don’t do it often enough, but when I do, it helps.

i also feel like this at the moment. and it might not be the healthiest or most long term advice but I am waking up and "performing" happiness to my friends (they do know how sad I am really) Sometimes pretending can actually lead to a better day for me, I feel like I trick myself into having fun.
Actual solutions? i'm eager to hear from others too - I tried therapy but just felt I was wallowing/going round in circles

a good thing to remember though is that we didnt always feel like this. so this isn't our default state, its just a bad phase. we can get through it and back to feeling like ourselves. even if it doesnt feel like it right now x

I totally understand. Something minor went wrong today and I just had a meltdown. It wasn’t about that small issue but I feel that was the final straw, and I was thinking I just didn’t want to be here but at the same time I’vs never kill myself.

My day ended up getting a lot better but still 😌 life IS hard indeed.

I feel the same
I’m 45, with a 9 yo dd if I didn’t have her I’d rather not be a part of this world
I’m incredibly lonely , men just use me, my ex cheated on me for years and was extremely abusive . Even coerced me to aborting a child which left me suicidal
luckily I left him and things I did look up for a bit but now I just sit here in front of the TV every single night. There are no local groups near to me. I’m working full time anyway
I need help so have signed up to my local borough talking therapy service. I hope there is something like that near you

I could have written this!

The wheels keep turning, every day is the same. I feel like I'm enduring life. I go to bed sometimes & hope I don't wake up in the morning. I'm not planning suicide, but fuck life is an effort sometimes.

When I turned 45, I thought "good, atleast my life is half way over".

Sometimes my DH makes jokes about 'ending me' & I retort back with "good put me out of my misery". He is jesting. I am not.

I feel ya. And those who say "life is short". It's fucking not. It's endless drudgery.

Your husband is a massive shit. How dare he make you feel like that! He should be supporting you.
Same Banana1979

Thankyou .... I think.

But it's not DH. He doesn't make me feel this way. He doesn't know I feel this way.

No-one does, apart from the good people of MN