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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In laws are putting me and my family down

4 replies

Winkle2020 · 03/07/2024 22:52

I do not know where to start. Me and my husband married for 7 years and have 3 DC. I had a feeling since the beginning that my in-laws did not like me however they never showed that up. Unfortunately right after wedding I lost my mother for liver cirrhosis after battling for 2 years who I was taking care off, I am only child and then after my mum passed I was taking care of my grieving and ailing dad who suffered severe Parkinson's and passed away last year. Now I taking care of my dad's mother who has been abandoned by her other son and daughter.

I managed all my pregnancies alone without any family support. I am a doctorate and I work full time. I contribute equal to the household. Me and my husband work hard, save hard and we managed to build two properties. We have heavy mortgages to pay but we both work hard to pay that and also take care of three kids without any care compromise for them.

In our country parents arranging a wedding is still a practice and my husbands elder brother did the same. His wife and children are with her(my sils) parents and her parents are completely supporting their family (taking care of household works by mum, child care by dad) while by bil stays and works alone without any family responsibilities in the America.

My in-laws somehow feels so sorry for my husband that he chose to marry me. In their opinion he is suffering because he married me. Reasons they quote whenever they speak to him in phone is that, your brother's life is sorted, he has a great in laws support, we do not need to worry about him at all.l, however you do not have anyone to support, you are suffering. We advised you a lot not to marry this girl,.you did not.listen. Now you are suffering and also us.

Not once but many times.he mentioned this and sometimes my husband stood up for me, at times he would.ignore them..

I long for a family love, I long for someone to talk to me, no one calls me on my phone as a family. I do not have anyone except my in laws. Recently my fil fell ill and I tried giving them a lot of advise and offered help and support to them however my mil and bil who are talking care of my fil ghosts me out, they get annoyed if I talk, or if my relatives call them.

Since I had experience on taking care of elderly parents, I suggested that I can appoint a carer who can help them. That carer we know her very well as she took care of my dad. This morning that carer has called them just to check on my fil condition. My bil got annoyed of this and he called my husband and shouted at him for letting her know about fil's condition and he said there is no need of any advice or support.

I felt really bad and do not know how to react. I still love my fil and I really want him to get better. It pains and hurts that they do not like me

OP posts:
Motnight · 03/07/2024 22:58

Op they don't like you, and they don't want to accept any help. You won't get a kind, loving relationship with them whatever you do.

Your husband should be standing up for you but you also need to take a step back and let them get in with things without you

HcbSS · 03/07/2024 23:05

This sounds very painful OP. I understand you. I have had a bereavement in the last year and the worst thing is having no messages, calls, even a text to see how you are.
Well your DH certainly isn’t suffering. He has chosen and married a smart lady, with her own career and money rather than just soend his while she sits at home, an agile mind and a heart kind enough to care for her ailing parents rather than shove them in a home. He could have done a million times worse.
Family is not only those who we share DNA with or marry. When I lost my gran last year, my church community became my family. They filled the role that I had expected my family to fill (checking in on me, listening to me, validating my feelings etc). Do you have a sound friendship circle? Or good work colleagues? Try and let go of the idea that you ‘should’ get all this from family. As long as you get what you need, it doesn’t always matter where it comes from if you see what I mean.
All the best to you. Ignore them!

Winkle2020 · 03/07/2024 23:58

@Motnight true, I have been yearning for that family love and probably I should step back and think as @HcbSS mentioned treat friends as family. Thank you for replying to message. I was sitting down in the living room feeling absolutely lonely, tried and worn out. I have been missing my parents. They left me sooner than I thought. It just sometimes feels like there is no one who can love you unconditionally and you are no ones number one. I take console most of the time in my DC. God blessed me abundantly in that.

OP posts:
Rondel · 04/07/2024 00:07

Winkle2020 · 03/07/2024 23:58

@Motnight true, I have been yearning for that family love and probably I should step back and think as @HcbSS mentioned treat friends as family. Thank you for replying to message. I was sitting down in the living room feeling absolutely lonely, tried and worn out. I have been missing my parents. They left me sooner than I thought. It just sometimes feels like there is no one who can love you unconditionally and you are no ones number one. I take console most of the time in my DC. God blessed me abundantly in that.

Aren’t you your husband’s number one?

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