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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel like I am not a person but just the childcare and domestic slave.

2 replies

likeahug · 03/07/2024 22:33

I am struggling with the fact that my ex-partner only shows up for the fun activities with our children, while I am left to handle the entire parenting and daily grind of responsibilities. We are talking a week every few months, if that, that he shows up. Literally he rents a holiday home and has loads of fun and then disappears off again.

I feel so much frustration as my ex never has to so much as do a load of washing or any of the domestic drudgery that comes with young children.

He uses my childcare and labour to work long hours and accumulate his huge savings. Meanwhile I feel trapped with my limited work opportunities trying to juggle the home, all the childcare responsibilities and working. I do not have a single hour to myself without work or children for months at a time until he shows up again. I honestly feel at breaking point.

If I voice my frustration I get dismissed as if I am
not even a human. I’m just here to raise the children.

i keep fantasising about leaving and making him step up. But I could never do that to my children and I realise it’s futile as he would no doubt pass the responsibility on to his mother anyway.

Ex thinks because he pays his child maintenance anything additional in terms of childcare is him doing me a favour. Not helped that his childless girlfriend for some insane reason thinks he is some kind of amazing father. Still baffled by this as she already knows he cheats, lies and chooses to go on holiday over time with his children.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation? How did you cope with the resentment?? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

OP posts:
Mayflower282 · 03/07/2024 22:39

I feel your pain. If it’s any consolation the kids will know when they’re older who was there for them 99% of the time. You will have a stronger and closer bond with them. He is the one who is missing out.

XChrome · 03/07/2024 23:31

This kind of situation, unfortunately, seems to almost be the norm. He's a deadbeat. There are millions of them.

One bright side to it is that if he hardly ever takes the kids, you hardly ever have to see him. Plus, the children love you. As they grow up and realize he does not care, they will merely tolerate him.

It isn't remotely fair, but what he does with his life is out of your hands. You can't force him to care about his kids.
However, document every time he doesn't show up to pick his kids up. You may be able to use it to get the custody agreement amended, plus change the child support. Since he rarely even sees the kids, you are paying for everything. If he is paying support now based on him having them a certain % of the time, but he doesn't have them, he is saving money on it, which should be passed on to you. Perhaps you should talk to your lawyer.

Don't stress about how fabulous his life seems. His selfish life is empty. He has no soul and nothing of real value in his life. He'll likely die alone, as the kids probably won't be there for him since he wasn't there for them.

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