How to help?

[sa1j]

First time poster here, and not sure if I should keep my nose out or get involved?

My nephew (5) lives with his mum 75% of the time and the rest with my brother and his wife due to work commitments but the days/timings generally work well for both sides. I see my nephew every other weekend and without prompting he will tell me that he hasn't cleaned his teeth or that mummy doesn't bath him at her house, that he has sweets for breakfast or even that mummy forgot to get me breakfast. I think he's telling the truth, he isn't one to lie and he's not trying to get the same treatment at my brothers/with me i.e he loves bath time, asks for porridge or strawberries for breakfast etc.

His mum is lovely. Really caring. But quite lazy, her house is dirty and untidy and she'd rather sit on her phone than tidy up or sort the garden out. Should I get involved tactfully? I feel like he's being neglected when there, but how do you even start to confront it? He's missing out on basic things yet I absolutely do not want to jeopardise my brother's involvement or not see my nephew, as someone who can't have children he really is so special to me.

keep out of it. It is very judgemental to call her lazy. Maybe she just has different priorities to you. That doesn't make her right or wrong, just different. Maybe she would think you were in the wrong for stressing about housework instead of relaxing when you get the chance.

She won't want your "tactful" involvement. If your nephew is capable of telling you what he had for breakfast, he is capable of asking for it if he wants it at home. Maybe he didn't want it and was glad it was "forgotten" that day.

I doubt she is preventing him cleaning his teeth. Just teach him to make sure he does it twice a day. I expect he does anyway, as this is not a natural conversation for a 5 year old, if it was not happening in his household he would not be aware of it. More likely it is occasionally forgotten, and then remembered and then the forgetting is spoken about between the two of them. It may be it was forgotten for half an hour, or something.

If there is a ny sort of issue, it is for your brother to address, not you.
I would stay well out of it, or you are going to cause all sorts of trouble and upset.

@combinationpadlock sorry if it sounded judgmental I didn't mean to be like that. She's a great mum, she really is. But it's more than just not having housework as a priority; rubbish overflowing, washing piled high, dog mess in the garden which is never picked up. She doesn't work and both of her children are school age. But I understand it's not my place but up to my brother, if anyone, to address the issues.

If it's happening regularly, then not being given breakfast, and not being bathed is neglect.

If your brother is aware of these things happening then he needs to either speak to his ex about it or, if he is concerned that the issues will escalate, he needs to speak to the safeguarding lead at the child's school.

Alternatively, you could speak to the safeguarding lead yourself.

This SCREAMS judgemental.

You are absolutely judging her and making assumptions. If the concerns are so strong, it's for his Dad to pick it up, not you.

Is anyone else in the family concerned? And I don't mean concerned via you gossiping. Have you mentioned these things to your brother?

@PoisonMaple regardless of whether you feel the OP is being judgemental, safeguarding is everyone's responsibility. A five year old who is saying that he isn't being given breakfast, isn't being bathed, and isn't being supported to clean his teeth is potentially being neglected.

@PoisonMaple I am really not. My brother has these concerns and tried to help i.e he sorted the garden out last summer, decorated inside and did multiple tip runs to help so it wasn't so overwhelming but it has all just slipped back to how it was before.

@Littlefish thank you, that's really helpful

I would speak to school and they can escalate it if needed. He might've also confided in someone there and it could paint a bigger picture of his home life

My son told the school I was not giving him breakfast they gave him fruit . Them he was saying it every day fir half a tern . Teacher asked me about it I told her he has breakfast every day. But it could be fruit, a yogurt, toast, croissant think he judt wanted fruit at school.

Dd is an adult now but she told the school I had not fed her for 6 weeks.

Another time ds teacher asked of everything was OK at home. I said all was good . And asked why . He had told the school daddy was taken away in a police car 🤣

I'm basically trying to say kids don't always tell the truth . Or their imagination can rum a bit wild .

We don't really know what's going on with his mum she could be depressed, over whelmed. Something medical going on. People in that situation are not normally in a good place